Go Blog Yourself

A flash of understanding

These are the questions, what are the answers.

I knew what she was going to ask.  I could see it forming in her mouth before my ears picked it up.  I didn’t know I was going to say 3.  My dad told me he’d gotten advise, and that when strangers ask, I should just say 3.  To which I thought, Um, ok, I’m NEVER going to do that.  I will never leave Tuesday out of the count.

I’ve done it twice now.  It didn’t feel good either time.  Especially the first time.  Especially when she was going on and on about how hard it’s been to see all those bruises on her son from his football games.  My urge to trump her had to be choked back by the coffee I was gripping in my sweaty hand.

She doesn’t need to know.  I’m not going to see her again.

Just sit and enjoy your stupid coffee.

You don’t always have to be a public service announcement.

Just sit there and get your toes painted.

Stick to the idle chit chat.

The second time was a little easier, as second times tend to be, but it still caught me off guard.  (You did it again.  Why did you do that?)

“Oh, you finally got you girl!  How perfect!”

Yeah.  Perfect.  I could have said, “No we actually got two little girls at the same time and that was perfect, but one died of cancer so, no, not really all that perfect anymore.”   But that’s usually a conversation killer.

What I’ve gotten from this, 3 vs 4 experiment is that it’s sometimes better to not share her.  It’s not a disservice  to Tuesday and it’s not unjust.  It doesn’t mean I love her or miss her any less.  That is impossible.  I’m not a bad mom because I didn’t tell the sales lady.  I’ve shared her with the world.  Sometimes it’s ok to keep her to myself.

In the same vein, I’m working on letting go of some of the pain and sorrow.  I don’t need it in order to love her, and my theory is by giving some of it away, I’m creating more space for her love.  There is only so much room, and I overflow so easy these days.  If you come here because you’ve lost a child, you might think this is total bullshit. Sometimes I think so too.  1 year and nine months and 2 weeks is not very long in our world.  I’m still making it up as I go.

But today, dear stranger,  as I’m stewing in the news of a sweet boy and his second relapse, I’m sure if you ask me how many kids I have, the answer will be four.

Two trails converge in a yellow wood

Come.

Sit for a while.

Think of two little girls that walked through that door before the rest of us were ready.

Take in the beauty that still remains.

Feel their presence and not their absence.

Leave behind a sign that you were here.

Come.

Sit.

Dedication and blessing of Tuesday’s Trail and Emmy’s Trail.

With Love and gratitude to our Renaissance Expeditionary Learning  and Outward Bound School community and the lovely people of Jellystone Park in Larkspur.

Tee Pee Village Outdoor Classroom, Larkspur, CO

4

May you continue to soar, as you live life with Tuesday in a different way.  Happy birthday, Piper.   Happy birthday, Tuesday.

Go Team Tuesday