2 years

2Pe 3:8
But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

We were in the American Folk Art room at the Milwaukee Art Museum.  There was a painting by a little known folk artist; a pie chart of history according to the Bible.  Blue, White and Red pie shapes, each pie representing a “one thousand year day” and all of the “important” events that occurred on that 1000 year day, like the first sunset, the great flood, and the birth of Jesus.

I like that crude pie chart.  I get it.  It has been two years since Tuesday’s passing, but it feels like 1000 years. It feels as I’ve lived a hundred lifetimes and that it’s only been 1 day since I held her last.  A lot of “important” things have occurred, but the only thing that the stands out is that my daughter just died.  Can I still stay just died?  After all, It’s been 730 days, or 730,000 years, according to the pie chart in house paint on a plank of wood.

The heart doesn’t know time, but the soul can’t deny it.  My heart  aches as it did the first day and the 100th day and as far as I can tell, will still ache on day 1000.  My soul, however, feels the sadness and the cold and the dark of January even without a calendar or reminders of the date.  It feels that this is the season that she died and I would feel that even if I were in a cave for a year.  Or 1000 years.  or a day.  The soul knows.

2 years.

I still feel like a high functioning sociopath.

I’m happy/I’m sad.

I’m getting my shit back together/I’m a mess.

I’m hopeful/I’m pissed.

I’m better.

I will never be better.

I’m ready to get off the rollercoaster.

But when we get to that last hill, it just starts climbing again.

Time does not heal all wounds because time is of no matter.  1 day or 1000 years; it’s all the same.

This doesn’t meant that there isn’t healing.  We are healing.  We are different, but we are healing.  I’ve found that when you don’t recognize yourself, its best to return to those things that have always brought you joy.  There is a lot of focus on travel and music and art and friends and giving.  I’ve also found that sorrow and pain should be welcomed.  Sit with it and hold it’s hand.  It will only stay just long enough, and then you can go back to the travel and music and art and friends and giving.  Feeling the pain big gives way to feeling the joy big.  There is much to be thankful for and much to enjoy.  I’m choosing to enjoy.

After all, this will all be over in a day.

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36 Responses to 2 years

  1. Molly says:

    I am glad you are choosing to enjoy. Nobody deserves to feel joy more than you.

  2. Jessica says:

    Your family deserves more joy and happiness that the whole world can give.

  3. Niecey says:

    2 years ago the world lost something incredible, and heaven gained something incredible. You’re doing so well, to express your emotions and welcome them all, the positive and the negative. They’re all a part of this new normal. I agree, time doesn’t heal – if anything it just separates you farther from her, which hurts even more. As much as I hate the anniversaries, I welcome them too, it’s a way to help me stay connected. I like having a day where I can just cry my eyes out and feel like I’m allowed to.
    Blessings to you guys at this horribly painful time. I’m so sorry for the bitter memories that no doubt resurface at this time, with or without your permission.

  4. Zoey's mom says:

    Thought of this as I was reading:”Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.” ~Wilde, Oscar

    Sending you prayers and peace today and for all of your tomorrows.

  5. debi9kids says:

    Just, you are the most brillant high-functioning sociopath I know.
    Brillant.

    Praying for you always, my dear friend. Holding you always ever close to my heart and soul. (I hope you can feel it )

  6. Terri O'Laughlin says:

    Love and prayers to you, my dear friend. Thinking of you often.

  7. Misty's Sister says:

    Your writing is always so honest & real. Thank you – it’s makes me feel normal!! ;) Tomorrow will mark 4 years since my only sister died (at the age of 21). I have children, so NO this is not a comparison. Just that missing her – the pain of losing her – the rollercoaster – it never goes away…even 4 years later. Thinking of you – & your precious Tuesday.

  8. Christy N says:

    This post warms my heart and breaks it, all at the same time. I’m so glad you’re choosing to “enjoy” life. You so deserve it. Sending lots of love your way. xo

  9. Carol in NC says:

    Yesterday at our sweet artsy church at the Orange Peel I suddenly thought of you and found myself glancing over to the other side of the room to see if you were there. I prayed for you throughout the (incredible) message. At the end, a clip from ‘Secretariat’ was shown, his third race to win the triple crown.
    As I watched him run, I thought about this brief, fragile, wonderful, hard life and the joy and work involved that make up endurance. I realize now the significance of the date yesterday and want you to know that I think of and pray for you and your family often.

  10. Beth says:

    Thinking of your family today. Tuesday has touched so many, including this Mama from Ohio.

    Blessings

  11. Samantha says:

    All in one, your post has left me speechless, breathless and dizzy with emotion… Her absence in this world is felt everywhere… A little girl, so sweet and innocent… Opened my eyes to many things and taught me so much about myself… I can only imagine the pain and sadness and the longing you must feel. I can’t imagine that going away. I guess you learn to live with it… I wonder… if having felt such sadness and pain, maybe it opens you up to finding and really feeling the little joys in life… I wish and pray for millions of joyful moments for you and your family. You are forever in my heart. Right there with Tuesday…

  12. bethany says:

    Tuesday’s story, through your words, has affected more people in the last 2-3 years than most people can hope to affect others in 1000 years. Thank you for sharing her with all of us. I hope that makes sense. Saying a prayer for your family today.

  13. Bre says:

    With a lump in my throat and water welling in my eyes, the only words I can form are….I love you my dear friend. Your words leave me speechless,my heart so touched and my spirit moved. xoxo love always, Bre

  14. mamie says:

    how is it that your words can bring me comfort? you are a human being of such beauty and it makes my heart hurt and swell all at the same time to read such words. i send love your way and hope that it helps in the moments between the 1000 and the 1.

  15. Lynn Worley says:

    So hard to believe it’s been 2 years already!
    Continuing to pray!
    Psalms 28:1-2 Unto thee will I cry, O LORD my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, I become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when I cry unto thee, when I lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  16. Julie Bradley says:

    You are such a gifted writer…when I read your posts, I feel your emotions as if they were my own. You are so right….time does not heal, it is what you do with that time. You are such an inspiration to me….I love that you are able to find some joy today, even though it is different than the joy that you had before you lost Tuesday.

    You are all so loved…I pray that you can still feel the love and the hugs that are sent to you from so many places. I know that you are honored to be her mom….your children are so blessed to have wonderful parents. Love to all of you….

  17. colleen says:

    so glad you choose the joy….

    peace.

  18. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers right now!
    Psalms 28:6-7 Blessed be the LORD, because he hath heard the voice of my supplications. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  19. Brandi says:

    I didn’t make it over here when you posted this. I don’t think I was meant to. Today was the day I needed to read your words. Thanks for your support Jess. Hugs mama! Praying for you guys.

  20. Lynn Worley says:

    Still praying in Seattle!
    Psalms 31:1-3 In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness. Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me. For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  21. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that the Lord is always with you, wrapping His loving arms around you and holding on tight!
    Psalms 18:2-6 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the floods of ungodly men made me afraid. The sorrows of hell compassed me about: the snares of death prevented me. In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  22. Sara Puckett says:

    Beautiful, beautiful words. I still pray and think of you often.

  23. Lynn Worley says:

    Here praying as always!
    Psalms 18:28-30 For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness. For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  24. Tamara says:

    I don’t even know what to say. Just know I am praying for you and your family. Tuesday touched so many hearts and you continue to be her voice, a very real voice that screams we can’t ignore cancer. It’s real. It’s out there and we all need to do our part to find a cure.

    I know you have heard this before, but I really hope you share your story, Tuesday’s story with the world. You have been given such a remarkable gift, to share your emotions so eloquently. Your words have helped so many people touch on their grief of loss through cancer, whether it was through a child, a relative, or a friend.

    I hope you continue to be blessed with joyful moments.

  25. Lynn Worley says:

    The Scriptures are full of such amazing and comforting passages. This is one of the best. Hope they are full of comfort for you and know I’m here praying!
    Job 19:25-27 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  26. Lynn Worley says:

    Still praying hard in Seattle!
    Psalms 34:4, 6-7 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. (6-7) This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  27. Lynn Worley says:

    The Lord is with you right now, lifting you up, giving you strength! Always praying!
    Isaiah 40:28-31 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  28. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that I’m always here praying!
    Psalms 116:6-7 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  29. Lynn Worley says:

    Always praying!
    John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  30. Lynn Worley says:

    Praying right now!
    Psalms 4:1, 3 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness: thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress; have mercy upon me, and hear my prayer. (3) But know that the LORD hath set apart him that is godly for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  31. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that you’re always in my thoughts and prayers!
    Psalms 86:3-4 Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily. Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  32. Lynn Worley says:

    Praying right now!
    Psalms 86:15-16 But thou, O Lord, art a God full of compassion, and gracious, longsuffering, and plenteous in mercy and truth. O turn unto me, and have mercy upon me; give thy strength unto thy servant, and save the son of thine handmaid.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  33. Lynn Worley says:

    Continuing to pray!
    2 Samuel 22:2-3 And he said, The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me…
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  34. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that I’m still here praying for your family!
    2 Samuel 22:29-33 For thou art my lamp, O LORD: and the LORD will lighten my darkness. For by thee I have run through a troop: by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him. For who is God, save the LORD? and who is a rock, save our God? God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  35. Lynn Worley says:

    Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers right now!
    Psalms 37:39-40 But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

  36. Lynn Worley says:

    Continuing to lift up prayers!
    Psalms 91:1-2 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
    Prayer Bears
    My email address

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