Go Blog Yourself

Can’t they see the hole blown right through me? It’s so huge. I can’t imagine they don’t see it? They avert their eyes, looking at everything, anything, but the hole. How can we even be having this pointless conversation when there is this huge, gaping hole? Shouldn’t they at least mention it?

How are you doing?
It must be so hard living with that huge hole blown thru you.
I’m sorry.

Then we can talk about the other stuff. After someone acknowledges the hole.
Do they know I’m faking it? Maybe I’m the only one that knows the hole is there? Maybe that’s it. I feel like it’s so obvious, but maybe it’s not. Maybe I should tell them.

I have this huge hole blown in me.
I’m doing ok, I guess, but I’m still trying to get used to living with this huge hole, so be gentle with me.

Maybe that’s what I should do.

Or maybe it’s bigger and uglier than even I can see. Maybe that’s why they pretend not to see me at the store. No one wants to look at such a huge hole. It must be so uncomfortable to see.
If they only knew how uncomfortable it is to live with it.

* After reading comments, I’m thinking I did a really poor job at explaining myself. I’m speaking more to what it’s like when I’m out in the world with people who don’t know my child recently died. My friends are doing the best they can and I know that. Even though none of us want to be doing it. I hope I didn’t hurt any feelings or scare any friends away.

24 days, over 4000 miles, rest stops, hotel pools, Graceland, Aunts and Uncles, Aquarium, swimming, beach, hermit crabs, music, Family reunion, first crush, upside down roller coaster, mountains, G-ma, friends, creeks, exploring, shopping, crying, laughing, sitting naked in the rain, bluegrass band, fireworks, fireflies, Good food, junk food, ice cream, truck stops, way too many dvd’s, more crying, home.

weep |w?p|verb ( past and past part. wept |wept|) [ intrans. ]1 shed tears : a grieving mother wept over the body of her daughter | [ trans. ] he wept bitter tears at her cruelty.• utter or express with tears : [with direct speech ] “No!” she wept.• [ trans. ] archaic mourn for; shed tears over : a young widow weeping her lost lord.2 exude liquid : she rubbed one of the sores, making it weep.

Yesterday, I dug a hole, just big enough, to hold the ashes of my child. Yesterday, Charley and I knelt together and placed a part of Tuesday in the ground, at the roots of a weeping cherry tree. We are in the mountains of North Carolina, at the home of my mother in law, where someday, she too will go in to this ground. Perhaps, someday, I will join them.Margaret, and her lovely friends and neighbors, the kind of neighbors that show up and plant trees when your grand daughter dies, came later in the day to dedicate this tree, to read, to sing and to feed us. It was hard, but it was good.There has been much weeping on this trip. I mistakingly thought that getting away for a while, would some how, be getting away, but here it is, as fresh and real as always. Maybe more so, because there are memories in this place that I have not yet faced. Pictures I have not seen in while. Tuesday’s NUK, under the crib where she once slept. You will now find that NUK in Piper’s mouth. She has not used one since she was six months old. She is fully missing her sister and is clearly sad.
“I wish Tuesday was here to play with Piper.”“I want to tell you a secret. My sister Tuesday died.”“Why is Tuesday in Heaven?”“Why did she have cancer?”“Why?”“Why?’“Why?”
The same thoughts that we all have, except that she is two, so she’s not afraid to ask why.I don’t have the answers, so I’ll leave you with the song that was sung for us.

Hymn of PromiseAn Old Methodist Hymn
In the bulb there is a flower,In the seed, an apple tree.In cocoons, a hidden promise:Butterflies will soon be free!In the cold and snow of winter,There’s a spring that waits to be.Unrevealed until it’s season,Something God alone can see.
There’s a song in every silence,Seeking word and melody,There’s a dawn in every darkness,Bringing hope to you and me.From the past will come the future;What it holds a mystery, Unrevealed until it’s season,something God alone can see.
In our end is our beginning, In our time, infinity,In our doubt there is believing;In our life, eternity,In our death, a resurrection;At the last a victory,Unrevealed until its season,Something God alone can see.