Can’t they see the hole blown right through me? It’s so huge. I can’t imagine they don’t see it? They avert their eyes, looking at everything, anything, but the hole. How can we even be having this pointless conversation when there is this huge, gaping hole? Shouldn’t they at least mention it?
How are you doing?
It must be so hard living with that huge hole blown thru you.
I’m sorry.
Then we can talk about the other stuff. After someone acknowledges the hole.
Do they know I’m faking it? Maybe I’m the only one that knows the hole is there? Maybe that’s it. I feel like it’s so obvious, but maybe it’s not. Maybe I should tell them.
I have this huge hole blown in me.
I’m doing ok, I guess, but I’m still trying to get used to living with this huge hole, so be gentle with me.
Maybe that’s what I should do.
Or maybe it’s bigger and uglier than even I can see. Maybe that’s why they pretend not to see me at the store. No one wants to look at such a huge hole. It must be so uncomfortable to see.
If they only knew how uncomfortable it is to live with it.
* After reading comments, I’m thinking I did a really poor job at explaining myself. I’m speaking more to what it’s like when I’m out in the world with people who don’t know my child recently died. My friends are doing the best they can and I know that. Even though none of us want to be doing it. I hope I didn’t hurt any feelings or scare any friends away.
We see the hole and we hurt for you my friend.
Thank you for such an honest post.
Hugs.
I don't really have any words except to echo THE RAMBLER-we all see the hole and hurts us to know that y'all are having to go through life with this GIGANTIC hole!
I'm sorry. I think everyone wants to do and say the right thing. But there isn't a right thing.
I know there is not a band aid big enough for that hole…and slowly but surely it will close, ever so slightly. I am sorry that your friends are not recognizing it, acknowledging it….it honestly makes it better when they do. I see the hole, it is huge and it is painful, take deep breaths my friend, I see you, and soon, people will see YOU again, and not the hole. Then that gaping piece of flesh called your heart, will begin to heal, slowly, but I promise, It will. Always thinking, always praying for your family…
I know I have never met you except thru ur blog but I, too, can see the Hole. Mother 2 Mother, I ache for u as well. Ur not alone…keep posting and we'll keep reading and sharing this pain with u.
Love From A Stranger,
~R~
We see the hole Jess. I don't think that sort of hole ever goes away.I don't think its supposed to. I am praying that God gives you peace and shows you how to live with the hole and live whole at the same time. I love you.
love,
ang
Those friends don't have the words is all and I am sure no one has ever said the "right" thing. It is so hard to find the words to comfort someone and in person it is even harder. I am sorry for them. I cannot even begin to imagine how that would feel. Know that I am praying for you and your family– that you continue to be strong and that this hole of yours will be filled with much love … over time. God bless you and your family Jess.
Natalie
(a follower from Canada and mother of three)
I think everyone is aware, but simply doesn't know what to say or fears saying anything at all.
My family calls the hole "the elephant in the room"…a story that can probably be found via google…it's an appropriate metaphor, I think.
Wishing you peace and healing through time and the grace of God.
IF I could see you, I would gather you in my arms and let you cry, I'd let you share that hole with me, I'd let you scream, I'd let you fall silent, I'd look, I'd ask, and I'd listen…I'm so sorry you're incomplete, I'm so sorry you walk around with a big gaping painful hole that many pretend not to or can't see. I'm sorry THAT pain rests on top of the pain of that big hole…I wish I was magic, I wish I could say something, do something, write something, make you laugh, make that hole less painful, all I have is this, my heart, my love, my prayers, none of which will ever be enough, I know, but I'm here and I'll stand with you through the ugly pain.
I hate it that I know this kind of pain, I hate it that people dont realize that healing takes time and they need to acknowledge your pain so you dont feel worst (if thats possible) I wish I could give you a big hug….That hole sucks and Im so truley sorry you have it at all…..Praying for people to understand your grief and be aware of it….
We see the hole, but we think maybe for just a second you'd rather not talk about the hole. Maybe you want someone to make you laugh and take your mind OFF the hole. We hurt for you in such a helpless way and we think about the hole all the time…just wishing we could help…but know better.
If i have the chance to meet you in person… I would look in your eyes and in your big hole and i would hug you with all my might..and i would tell you how your daughter changed my life and i would hope that you would be able to see the hole that i have been carrying in me since january 30. it may be much much smaller than yours… but it is there too.
I see the hole. In fact, your hole is so large it's cast a shadow over my own life, which is funny because I don't know you and you don't know me. But there is something about motherhood that bands us moms together. You're blog has touched me.
I will continue to think of you and your beautiful family. All six of you.
Most people are just afraid to say anything and don't realize you want/need to talk about it. I once stopped in the grocery store to hug a dear friend of my grandmother and told her how sad I was when I heard about her husband. (He had passed away a few months prior to me bumping into her.) She immediately burst into tears and choked up. She said, "I'm sorry. I just can't talk about it." She walked away crying, while I felt sick to my stomach. I was genuinely trying to do the "right thing" by mentioning her loss, but there's not a "right thing" to do or say. Maybe some of your friends are unsure about how you're processing your grief. Maybe they're afraid that THEY will break down and upset you. I don't know you at all and I'm having a hard time thinking of something comforting and swallowing this big lump in my throat. And this is on the net, not face to face.
I can't imagine what you're going through, but I know your friends really DO care. They're just as lost and confused as you are.
God bless you, Jess. And again— I AM SO SORRY.
I think most people see how huge the hole is and dont know how to address it, maybe they think it might make your hurt worse,, or the old "if I ignore it, maybe it will go away" syndrome. Sorrow is a funny thing…. the ones suffering from it need the healing words of loved ones then there are the rest of us who just dont know what, or how, or when to address the sorrow and pain.
I am so sorry you are hurting! Find yourself an open field, or pillow, or closet or quiet place and scream your little heart out! Do this two to three times daily and then have a good cry. It will never heal your hurt,, but it may just make you feel better.
Just a little humor. I really am sorry for all the hurt!
cindie
I'm so sorry. I think maybe people don't know what to say, don't want to remind you (like you could ever forget), or think perhaps you don't want to talk about it. They haven't forgotten and they know the hole is there.
Hugs.
I got your meaning, How come it feels like everyone doesn't see it?? I know that feeling. When you bury someone you love and you realize the whole world has not stopped as you have. I have felt that and seen it with many others. Sending warm hugs…
This is a really beautiful post, JK. I know there are many of us that feel a hole, too. I wish we could make it feel full sometimes.
there will always be a hole in your wholeness… praying for you
I don't know that that hole will ever close. You will carry it with you always but the brighter side is that you will carry sweet Tuesday's love, spirit, and memories with you always and hopefully one day they will completly fill that huge hole. People are scared to say the wrong thing, to put their foot in their mouth, to make you cry becaue they think that it's a bad thing and don't always understand that it's o.k. for you to cry in public with them. to share a piece of your pain and to let you know how much Tuesday's life has touched theirs. Hugs.
hugs! My heart breaks for you.
Maybe Jess they see the hole and don't know what to say. Maybe they hurt too. Jess, I see the whole. In the pictures you post, I look for Tuesday still. But I also see the whole you. You are learning how to live like mother's should never have to learn how to live. I keep praying for peace. For you, for Charley, for the kids. Hugs Jess!
Brandi
I don't have any encourging words. I am visiting in the town I grew up in for a few weeks with my kids 2 1/2 and 9 months. My grandmother 92 lives here . She had 5 kids and lost one instantly on a basketball court went he was 10 . She still aches for him. My mother who was 2 years older then him , still aches for him. We should die before our kids . It is not natural not to. I am sorry I wish I could take the pain away.
It's the strangers that are hard for me. I feel like I want to tell everyone I meet, "My daughter died. She died and you will never have the joy of meeting her and that is the saddest thing ever to happen." This is such a huge thing that has happened to us. The biggest thing ever. Bigger than getting married or having a baby, but those other things we carry in visible ways, carry proudly, talk about. This we carry silently, almost conceal. I think this is why I dyed my hair pink. I am begging for a reason to tell the world my kid died, even though when the opportunity arises I usually chicken out.
Dear Jessica…
I can't even wrap my brain around the pain you must feel…that hole. I have two grown children and five granddaughters and don't get why innocent babies have to die. You are my pain mentor…the one who teaches me how to deal w/trivia because your reality is real pain. My son is good friends w/Wintry (since first year at Pacific) and I have read every word on your website so many, many times. I still say you need to write a book. Your talent with putting feelings to paper is unmatched. I read and reread hoping for a different outcome. I love Tuesday with all my heart and yet I never met her. I grieve for her and yet I don't know her. I grieve for you and for her grandparents because I am one. I even have the diagnosis date, birthdate, etc. on my calendar so I know this week marks one year of her diagnosis. So much pain and somehow I feel if I take on part of it it will maybe fill a little corner of that hole. Your smile is contagious Jess…the same smile I see in your children….all four of them. The legacy of Tuesday will live on. So many will make sure. My niece gave birth to a little girl on 7/7 and she named her "Piper Grace". Born on a Tuesday and Tuesday's child is so full of grace. Don't ever apologize for what you say or do or how you think you might make people feel. This isn't about them. It's about you and your sweet family…your sweet Tuesday. If you had the choice of having her knowing you would have to give her up after such a short time or not ever having her at all to spare yourself that pain, I know in my heart what you would choose. So many pictures, so many memories and so many smiles. No one can ever take those away from you and they will never fall through that hole. They are secure in your heart forevermore. I hope someday we meet so that I might hug you and tell you how you and your Tuesday have changed my life. I donated to the lymphoma fund in her name and will always be an advocate to find a cure for the dreaded C. You are Tuesday's one and only Mom and you always will be. She has touched so many lives in her short 27 months and continues to do so. You are a dear and precious soul Jessica and I'm sending you my strongest love and prayers. Mimi Carol in Cave Creek, AZ.
I wish I could make that hole go away. I'm so sorry!
Praying for that hole to heal and hurting with you. It is always amazing to me when life around us has the audacity to just move along when ours shatters!
Thinking of you so much this week. I love you and miss you. Praying for you and your family hoping that, even though that hole will always be there, that you have some sort of normalcy back.
You may not know it, but you are teaching all of us how to treat people we know who have suffered such a loss. I know you have changed how I treat a friend of mine who lost her son. Thank you for that.
Hon, I have followed your blog from the time that your hole was growing, when your beautiful Tuesday was fighting for her life. I have prayed for you and your family. I applied to be a NILMDTS photographer and I think a lot about one of your post that said "you feel guilty as a mom that you have to sit on your stairs and look at Tuesdays picture to remember her face because her memory is fading" I am going forth with this calling because of that post. This post reminded me of a poem that explain how I feel you meant about the Hole…..
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Thank you so much for your Inspiration in my life.. I will continue praying for your strength!
What can a Grammy say, but "oh my"?
The kindness and beautiful words posted here
help us grieve – help our tears flow.
THANK YOU!
Our precious Tuesday's impact on the world
continues to amaze!
You did a great job!
Know that I'm continuing to lift up prayers!
Psalms 27:4-5 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple. For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.
Prayer Bears
My email address
oh, jess. i am so sorry. i hope the knowing of our love and grief can help somehow….in some way. sending love to you and yours.
Jess, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the gaping hole you have in your life. I see the hole through your posts, and I wish there was something I could do to take it away or at least help fill the hole. But there isn't anything I can do except send you big hugs and lots of prayers. I will never ignore the hole in you, for its part of you now, therefore as a friend it is part of me too. You, Tuesday, and your family have touched so many lives.
Hugs and Prayers my friend!
Heather
My baby girl died 19 years ago. It takes a long, long time before the "hole" and the intense pain lessens. But it does lessen I promise. That doesn't mean the love lessens, just the unbearable pain. I pray for you all the time.
You are not alone.
I have no words…..but I am praying for you…and maybe the Lord is using this hole to recognize others around you who might also be carrying around a hidden hole. Not that this is something you want to hear right now. Praying non-the-less
I think motherhood brings all of us closer, we're all bonded through every experience, yours included. we all see the hole, we're all here for you, we all look forward to your posts and we're all praying for you.
<3.
i can see how the world just loses it…all the "how are you's" and "happy days" out there just don't make up for what you feel inside…i'm glad you have good friends and faith to get u thru at home tho.
The hardest part about losing a loved one to death is that it is so personal. Life went on for the rest of the world, but you live with daily reminders that Tuesday is gone. You're right, random people on the street don't see the hole.
But I'm so, so glad that you are surrounded by good friends who comfort you as best you can. I'm thinking about you and praying for you today.
Dear Jesus,
I pray that you will bring your healing "Balm of Gilead", and heal the hole in my beloved niece's heart and that of her family, because of your great love for them. I know that you came to "heal the brokenhearted"( Isaiah 61:1), and only you can heal them, Lord. Take their hearts into your loving hands, and make them whole again.
Your daughter,
Laurel
Thinking of you lots. I can not imagine your hole will ever fully heal. I just pray that is gets smaller and easier to live with. You have suffered the greatest loss of all, the loss of a child. It will take time. You are an amazing woman, an amazing mother, but, that does not mean you can not be weak and show your feelings. I can not imagine you will ever lose a friend over that.
Much love to you all!
Love and prayers to all of you!
xo
Erin
It is so easy to just greet folks and walk away from the situation. The "how are you" is such a hard phrase to me. No one is actually asking that but just greeting you instead. I don't know how is feels or is like to lose a child but the "scream when no one can hear you" because of the pain inside is common. There is always more to the people we greet or see on a daily basis. If everyone knew what was really going on in our lives, I believe that the world would be forced to recongize the morality of this life. We live and die and leave those behind to greive of the lose…
Hang in there and know that you aren't being judged or put down but unconditionally loved. I don't know you personally but I know of your lose. I will continue to pray for your spirit and your family. Continue to share those thoughts and emotions… As a body of believers we laugh love and cry together because we are one body…because our love comes from the same place… GOD
someday it will get a little smaller……but, it will always be there…like a big scar that will never go away…..all you can do is breathe…and take it one minute at a time….and let yourself be mad, sad, confused, etc ….and then think about that baby girl of yours…. and remember the joy she brought you….and pray it's enough to get you to that next minute…day….week……
my heart aches for you….
I wish I knew what to say to you Jess, but I have a hole in my heart for Tuesday too. I think about her every day and I think of all of you too. Jim and I love you all and always hold you in our hearts and our prayers. I look at Tuesday's picture every day and think of her in every flower in my Tuesday garden. I will never forget her and how you ache for her. You are a wonderful mother and person and never forget that fact. God had a purpose for Tuesday and he has a purpose for you. He knows that there is a hole is in your heart and that he will heal you in his infinite wisdom and time. We may not know what to say or do but we all love you Jess.
Aunt SuSu
As always your words are just right, not off-putting. That hole is a huge part of who you are right now and it doesn't seem possible that people can not see it. I remember feeling this way after my dad died too. Praying for you and for the people around you who do know and who are there for you.
Jess,
You always have such a beautiful way with words.
My thoughts on the "hole"… I didn't want to say it, but maybe I should…
My heart broke seeing those photos of your vacation because of the space, the obvious hole. Tuesday SHOULD be there.
I loved seeing your family look so happy, but hate that space. hate that hole. hate that the photos are off center and no matter what, it will always be off center.
I hate this.
I hate the loss. I hate the feeling of not knowing what to say.
I think it's so normal to feel like you are being phoney when you smile and don't feel like smiling. Somehow, someway, you will get through each day and maybe, if you feel like it, just lose it in public. (I did this weekend. trust me, not pretty, but it felt good afterward)
Love you Jess!
ps Nothing you can say or do will ever scare your friends away 🙂
hugs.
I am sorry you are having to learn to live with this huge hole in your life, JK. I wonder what it would be like if even perfect strangers could see that hole? If people could stop and be more aware of the energy that everyone around them is giving off to the world? Would it be a relief, for everyone to know? So they could, in fact, be more gentle with you?
I am learning so much from you, in this. I am trying to be more present & aware, especially in my personal life, but in public too. You just never know what someone may be going through, who might need an extra smile or friendly gesture that day.
I wish I knew better what to say…I don't have much experience with this. One thing that does come to mind though, is that when I was a teenager, one of my cousins (same age as me) passed away, and I remember noticing how my aunt made it a point to send everyone pictures of her and always signed her name to cards, etc. She (understandably!) didn't want anyone to forget her daughter. So I feel like I always want to tell you that even though I never met her, I will never, ever forget Tuesday. She was so special and so are you. Thank you so much for sharing her with us.
xoxo
Shannon
Jessica… I had just written on Mike's caring bridge page the same day you wrote here about how hard it is for me to be out with him and have him break out into a tantrum because he isn't feeling well and have people stare at him and me with horrible looks. All I want to do is scream at them…'Don't you know why he is screaming? Don't you get it? He isn't a beast and I am not a horrible mom… he is sick, he is 3 and he has cancer! You would be pissed off and scream and cry too' But I don't, I try to calm my little man and I try to control my anger and hurt… and that fear that can eat me alive.
No mom should ever have a hole like you have. It is a horrible hole, one that I can't imagine ever closing, but maybe, just maybe, being bandaged somehow by the love of family and friends. I hope you know, though we haven't ever met, I see that hole and my heart aches for you.
I have a wonderful book, 'The Disappearance: A Memoir of Loss' by Genevieve Jurgensen about her two little girls. It is both hopeful and gut-wrenching and maybe most importantly, not sappy or sentimental. I'm sure you share much with this mother.
One of my earliest childhood memories is learning the verse in Ephesians 4, "Be ye kind one to another." It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized the importance of this. As casual observers we don't know what others are going through, yet one act of kindness can give them strength to keep going. Hang in there! It's OK if people don't see the hole. They may have one just as big.
Carol
That post made perfect sense to me. It's like we want to scream in the store " I used to have another daughter, and she died, and how can I do this? Who cares about coupons?!"
Mourning is all encompassing.
Praying for peace,
If friends didn't leave when the most scary event of your life happened I don't think a blog post will scare them off. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than that to get rid of all of them. You are an amazing woman!
love
chrisy.
You know those shirts that people love to wear these days ? The ones with the random sayings "Gettin Lucky in Kentucky" or the old advertising tees… Sometimes I wish that we could wear shirts like that with our "stuff" on it… so people could get just how hard life was hitting us right now, and maybe take it easy. Yeah… that would be nice. . .
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl. And I am so sorry that you will have to live with that loss for the rest of your life. I hope you find a way to balance and find joy, every day a bit more.
I AM sorry. I AM!!! ALL of us are!
It is so f'd up and wrong and I am so mad, that such great people and friends are actually living through ..this…this…HELL!!!
I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE ALL LOVE YOU, and how we all cry with you.
We are happy when you post happy pictures, but, we too, have NOT forgotten what is missing.
We DO know that you are not "whole". And we know that you will always have a "hole".
And we will always love you "wholly", and we will always fully love your "hole".
XOXO MP
Just a week after I lost my son, I was watching ER, and angela bassett's character said…
"If your parents die, you're an orphan… lose your spouse and you're a widow or widower but lose your child.. and there's no word for that."
And there's not. Childless parents are against everything we think of to be right in the world.
When I'm out in the world I still wonder if people look at me and see that there's something missing with me. That I'm different. That there's this raw ache in the pit of my soul that will never ever go away.
Many many big hugs to you.
I do know exactly what you are talking about. Because of what everything you have been through, it should be obvious to the world that you are hurting from something so devastating. You think that everybody should be able to tell just by looking at you what has gone on in your life. It has been 14 years since I lost my son and I still think everybody should know by looking at me. The pix from your trip were absolutely awesome. Your family is absolutely gorgeous. The boys look so much like Charley!! Take care and know that you are thought of often here in Virginia Beach!! peace, cindy lou
I can't even fathom. I know I come here each day because I am thinking of you…from one Mom to another Mom. Knowing that if I were in your shoes, I don't know if I would have the strength to get through each day. I pray for you and your family often. I know I am just an anonymous face in the crowd but Tuesday touched my heart and I would give anything to be able to touch your heart and somehow lessen the pain even if but for a moment. There really are no words for that awful hole. Just hugs and prayers to try and fill it.
I think about you, your hole, and how hard it must be to face life every day. If you need me to come out and hold up a sign in front of you saying "back off from the lady with a huge hole" to any strangers that give you grief you know I'll be there.
this is why we should be gentle in our dealings with all we meet as we have no idea what kind of load they are carrying on their hearts….and everyone is carrying something that hurts. Love to you…..
You are not alone in this feeling. Even two years after lossing my sweet Doss my hole is still there and acknowleged by few. Sometimes I just feel better being with "my own kind", other women who have lost a twin too. We are here if / when you need us. http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TwinLossSupport_Colo/
Hugs – Jen
Keep on, keeping on…for the perfect little kiddos you still have to hold. Look at their eyes, SMILING 🙂 Enjoy life with them. And smile when you think about Tuesday. That is what she would want to see…MOM (& dad) happy and smiling! And she IS watching from her perfect little cloud up in heaven.
SO….say "chheeezzz." at least once in a while.
For her, and all the perfectly happy moments…
Give Piper an extra hug & kiss tonight.
You need to give yourself more credit for continuing on with life as you can. You're right that people either don't see it or don't know, but I am sure it is so big it chokes you. I am so sorry for your pain, your loss. I wish I could sit with you and cry and talk about Tuesday, and Piper and the boys. I admire you greatly for what that is worth, because of your strength, your love of God and family, and your pushing for finding your new place in this sometimes unfair world. You will get there! Stay strong, even though you aren't feeling it, you are!! Bless you. I don't know you other than this blog but I pray for you and think of you often.
Lynn
The Weepies: "The World Spins Madly On" is a song that reminds me of this very feeling. Maybe you can download it or find it somewhere.. it's a beautiful song.. and it's proof that other people are living with giant holes too.
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.
This sucks. This whole thing just … sucks. I wish you didn't need to live with the hole. You lost your daughter, and no one knows what to say. You put on a smile every day because it makes every one else feel better.
Thank you for being honest. Most of us don't understand, but you make it easier. I will forever mourn for her.
Everytime I visit this blog I cry and cry because it is so horrible what happened to you. I am so terribly sorry for you that your child died and words fail me.
You should not explain yourself or excuse yourself. You should not think about whether you hurt somebody else's feelings. If anything you did in the past time scared your friends away then they were no friends. I wish people would not increase your sorrow by adding their own. I really hope for you that at some point your pain will ease off a bit and I admire the strength you show and that you can still find joyful moments in your life especially with your other kids. I wish to you all the best.
I totally got what you were saying….it made perfect sense to me. Chatting with strangers and wanting to let them know that this hole is there because of course it IS so huge and gaping and bottomless…
I can only imagine.
You are never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers….
You have no reason to apologize JK. None at all. Those people in the food store should see the hole. It's huge. Who are they to look at you like you are any other shopper??? I see it in every picture of you guys. I have no idea how you are even doing this:( I hope you come east to NJ on your trip. Our beachy house awaits you guys.
Praying right now!
Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I lost my daughter in May..she was almost 9 months..I get what you mean.. its so hard to "be okay" its like missing an entire appendage to me.. people don't know what to say..whether they know or not.. I saw a girl I went to high school with and she said she heard I had a baby girl, how exciting..blah blah..I just sat there looking down and could feel the tears welling up bigger than Dallas..my mom saved me and told her we lost her, and she said "oh, I'm sorry to hear that" should we get signs that say "WE LOST OUR CHILD, DONT ASK ANYTHING ELSE" sorry that went into a rant, point is.. I feel ya..and I am so sad that other parents have to live without their children…I am sorry for you and your children that don't have Tuesday anymore.. I am sorry that you and I aren't the only ones with these huge holes..
Thinking of and praying for your family all the time. You can call me anytime you feel like talking, laughing, crying or yelling. I am here for you!
My heart aches for you. It's not fair.
I've never met you. I've also never run more than 4 miles. Ever. But I will run 13 of them in October in Tuesday's memory.
I hope her spirit surrounds you and eases some fraction of your pain.
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Isaiah 40:28-31 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Prayer Bears
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I think you are very wise and doing what you need to do – I'm glad you have the support of so many here and in the support group. They are the ones who can best understand the dimensions of your loss. But the wheels of life keep turning, don't they? You have the blessings of your family every day and the love of parents for their children is the glory of humanity but it's that same love that makes losing a child so sharp. It has to hurt so to be pulled between the joy back to the hurt. My thoughts are with you and Charley.
Here praying for your family!
Isaiah 43:1-3a But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour.
Prayer Bears
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We could make a hole out of felt.
You could wear it when you go out in public so people can see it more clearly. Maybe then some people will be less afraid.
I love you girl – The hole sucks.
Stopping by to let you know I'm here praying!
Psalms 28:1-2 Unto thee will I cry, O LORD my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, I become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when I cry unto thee, when I lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I'm so sorry…I remember after my loss, how hard it was…the world just keeps going on and I was still standing still, not really knowing how to keep moving and keep living, and I couldn't figure out how to let people know that I was lost and couldn't just keep moving on. I'm so so sorry for your pain. (((hugs)))
One time I said that grief is like being sucked up in a vacuum. You are covered and dust and it seems odd, like you're floating around and no one notices that you're covered in dust. Maybe that's a lame analogy, but it just makes sense to me. Dusty or with a gaping hole, it does feel like it should cause a reaction at the store and on the street. How is the world just moving along like that, without seeming to notice the elephant. So many analogies…
I get what you meant, that's what I'm trying to say. And no, you didn't scare anyone off, I'm sure of that.
Peace to you,
Heather
I don't often comment, since I don't have my own blog (am I called a lurker?), but I have followed your story since Tuesday was sick. I can't describe the courage I saw in her, and in you. My experience with grief is different. I lost my dad, who I was extremely close to, and it's taken me so long to learn to live with grief as a part of me. But he wasn't my child. This is an area I can't fathom. I pray for your strength and that someday the days won't be so painful. The other blog I read is "thesphorsare multiplying". Heather and her husband lost their young Maddie at 17 months. I know what it is like to hold on to people who are surviving ((and not whole) or have survived grief and an extreme loss. If you had time, your words might help Heather, who seems to be clinging to anyone who is really gets it.Or, maybe her blog would help you too. Thanks for your honesty, and I will continue to pray for strength.
Susan
Miss you, and your perfect words, my friend.
XOXO
(hug)
stoping by to say,
"…still thinking of you All…"
strange..I was googling for the lyrics to Byrne's This Must Be The Place and I ended up on your blog.My heart started pounding when I looked over and saw the word bereaved..as this is the anniversary week of my daughter's coma and death..astonishingly difficult passage to go through even after many years..I was just looking for the lyrics of a beloved song,not thinking about grief and then suddenly I'm reading your beautifully honest posts…small things are still difficult for me..like how to answer strangers at a parent meeting for my three children I've had since,when they casually ask "how many kids do you have?" or seeing her name not on the growing marks wall..Love is infinitely strong and crosses all dimensions..the ache and pain is part of the honor and love of being our beloved's chosen parent..all we can do is offer our broken and open-hearted wisdom to the world we still are dwelling in,as we continue with the task and gift of living…Blessings and Thank You for your gifted writing,Another Bereaved Mother
Adding to my thank you and blessings I will also be sending love to you and your family..and support in those difficult moments when it seems you simply cannot bear it and continue on and then do…it is silly to my rational mind ,but I just thought of the amazing being my beloved Zoe was/is meeting your spunky beautiful Tuesday…who knows what happens beyond the small part we comprehend..sending love and prayers..