It looks a bit like a used book store for sad people around here. Every flat surface is littered with something like, Cancer: What good is it anyway?, Grieving your dead sibling, or, Sorry your kid died: Here’s a list of 20 things that will make you think you’re are all better for 6 or 7 seconds.
Or something like that.
I’ll pick one up, almost every night before bed, searching for the perfect thing that’s going to help me sleep. Ease my pain a little. Usually it just leaves me wanting for more, although sometimes, something reaches through the pages. Usually writing from other parents who know. And of course, from the Ultimate parent who knows my pain first hand.
Last night it was Romans, and it really struck a chord. These 1,952 year old letters, probably being read hot off the presses by grieving parents, have the same relevance today, almost 2000 years later, for this grieving parent. I have said it, you have said it, there are no words when a child dies that can make it better. None that matter anyway. And then, right there it says,
“We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”
I don’t think I want to hear what those groans sound like, but I’m glad I’m not the only one groaning to God.
So, what I take away from most of these books is that I’m not alone. We are not alone. Not in the most Universal, or the most intimate of ways. I am not the first to know this pain. Mamas are grieving their babies in every corner of this world. Yesterday and tomorrow. Right now. It doesn’t help, but it does keep me connected.
I am not alone.
Groaning
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i do not know what you are going through, but i am grieving the loss of your daughter. i am interceding. groaning with you. . . for you.
blessings to you.
i think your chosen quote will help many grieving parents. i also think you are incredible for opening your heart to hearing its message.
beautiful post. beautiful words. beautiful you.
I can't say anything to make it better, but I can pray and I will.
thank you for sharing your story. thank you for being honest with your feelings and opening your heart. you inspire me.
i just looked at your photo gallery and cried. you have an amazing family. the love is so evident…those girls were amazing together..i could tell from the pictures.
i am groaning with you. i am praying for you.
never alone. i cannot know, but i can weep and groan. to hear from you is good, i think and pray for you and the children and family and hope only that you know that we are still sending love, in times of silence and times of sharing. all my love, a
Amen. Sometimes knowing that we're not alone is the only thing that helps us to put one foot in front of the other. Thank you for sharing…I needed this too. *many hugs*
No, you are not alone. I do not grieve for my own child, but i grieve for yours. The verse brought tears to my eyes because I think about you and your family so much and pray for you guys so much… but these words that I hear inside while im thinking or praying never ever match the pain my heart feels for you…
Oh Jess, I know how very much Romans gives you comfort and i am glad you are turning to those words again to give you some sort of peace, even if just to let you know you are never, ever alone.
LOVE you always!
That's one of my favorite verses to share in guestbooks. How amazing it is to know that the Holy Spirit Himself is praying for us!
Know that I'm here praying!
Romans 8:15-18 For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God: And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together. For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Prayer Bears
My email address
It is bittersweet to know someone understands. It's nice to not feel alone. But it's heartbreaking that other mamas have gone through a loss. I hate that other people know how I feel. It means their hearts have been shattered. It's not something I'd wish on anyone.
Groaning with you, hun.
You will never be alone.
Oh Jessica – everyday is a new day for you. One more step to healing. I know that your loss is something that might never heal inside you but seeing your other children grow and live wonderful lives might help dull the ache.
And you had been a wonderful mom to Tuesday – she was blessed and lucky to have had you. What more could you ask for as a little girl?
Thinking of you today and everyday! Glad you were able to find words that brought some sort of peace. Love ya.
Can I get an Amen from the choir and the front row? You aren't alone and unfortunately you won't be the last. You are in our constant thoughts and prayers. Miss Tuesday is the catalyst to make some changes in so many lives and hopefully with cancer research in that 1 loss is 1 too many. There is no magic number that automatically makes any 1 cancer now important enough to focus time, money and research. They all are important. peace be with you and your family. We love you guys!! cindy lou and maddie, too
like many before me, I can't even attempt to say anything to make you feel better, you have an amazing family, you are amazing, [even if you don't feel it right now, we're here for you].. you don't know us, we don't really know you, but we pray for you, & you help us in ways you may not understand.
Definitely not alone. Thinking about you today and often.
Thinking of you, always! Your words and your thoughts are always so powerful, thank you for sharing with us.
Lots of love to you all!
Beautifully written as always. My heart goes out to you… as always.
Yes you are defenetly not alone, you know im pregnant and im scared to death, i just try to breath in and out every day and WAIT WAIT WAIT…. you are not alone. Im here for you.
this is all very interesting to me… and i use the word interesting because if i look at my heart and pick the word that it is really feeling, i will start crying and i don't want to do that right now.
i have been thinking about you, and needing to hear from you. you don't know me and i don't know you, and our situations are different, but connected in the saddest of ways. i've been wanting to tell you how much you are helping me, but i know that the fact that you are "helping others" probably makes you want to roll your eyes or scoff or something.
anyway. thanks.
Words can not express how much love I have for you and how much pain I feel for you, your family, and for myself for losing Tuesday. I think of her constantly and I groan along with you daily I know I cna't make anything better but I want you to know you will never be alone. On this earth you have so many people prayng for you daily and God and Tuesday are always with you as well.Thank you for helping others grieve in a time when most people would only be thinking about their pain. You amaze me constantly dear friend.
No, you are not alone! Your posts take me back to my first real experience with grief. Not of a child, but a lot of the emotions are similar. I had forgotten a lot of them. Thanks for the reminder, really. I felt very, terribly, horribly alone then, but the reality is that I wasn't as alone as I thought.
Beautifully written. I know it doesn't take away your pain but you are a steward for the rest of us because of your incredible talent with words. Hug from AZ.
I have no words. You write so beautifully. My heart aches for you. Prayers and Hugs.
Tamara
Your slideshow at the photography site was beautiful. . .yes, priceless. . .
we are all here for you
oh jess – groaning and weeping with you! The ups and downs, the searching for answers – I want to take it all away for you! Only Christ, though!! So, I will pray without ceasing for some sort of new wholeness to wrap around you and get you through each day!!
love and hugs!!
Janice Rolfs
praying real hard for you guys….today and everyday…
~colleen
Jessica, I have been following your blog from the beginning. I am heartbroken for you and your wonderful family, and wish that I or anyone could say or do anything to ease your pain just a tiny bit.
Please look at this blog wwww.audreycaroline.blogspot.com if you have a little time. I hope that the words of the author, and the faith she has in God might be able to give you some strength. I pray for you every day.
Oh Jess you are definitely not alone! No parent or sibling should have to go through what ya'll have went through, but it is happening. I am so thankful that you know you have support out there though. Hugs!
It's amazing how certain verses you open up to in the Bible speak right at you. I still pray for your family and today opened up a parenting magazine with "Tuesday's full of grace" article. How could I not think of Tuesday.
You are never alone! I am praying for you every day…. know that God is with you every step of the way!
Continuing to pray!
Romans 8:31-34 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I've been following your blog quietly for a while now… you seem to be a very smart chick :), so I am pretty sure you know what the word keening means. That is what I picture with that quote.
Actually I imagine that many days you are keening loudly within your own soul.
I am so very sorry that you lost your little girl.
No, dear blog friend, you are not alone. The pain is still fresh and needs to be up front, for now, but, your friends and family are right next to you, trying to comfort, or if need be….just be silent…let you speak your mind, your heart and your soul….We are here…trying to help you stand, stand tall, for you are the mother awesome children, and the speaker of truth on this awful subject, the subject of death…No…dear blog friend, you are not alone…
You are never alone. . .
you are not alone. i am not alone. i wish we weren't here, but we are not alone. love and prayers, ashley (webb's mommy)
I cry with you, whether I knew Tuesday or not. I cry with you because it is unimaginable, I groan with you. I pray I never groan first hand because it is hard to groan with you, hard every time I check in to see how your beautiful, but not whole, family is. I groan too…
lovely. thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts with us.
I am constantly drawn to your website. I have cried several times while reading your story. My heart breaks for you and your family. The courage and strength you have is inspiring to me, as I don't know if I could ever be so strong. My prayers to you and your family.
Michelle
You are so good at expressing yourself. I'm sending this post to my friend who lost her full term baby girl last September. I'm going to email you her beautiful headstone. Hugs to you JK.
Nope. You're absolutely not alone. That's why all those who love you have been so touched by Tuesday's beautiful, yet too-short life, and by your honest way of expressing your family's struggle to learn to live without her.
Even if many of us haven't experienced a loss such as you have, we still have in us that same Spirit who intercedes for you. We do groan for you too. We are all connected and that is something special.
You do not know me and we will probably never meet face to face, but you are with me everyday! I stumbled on your blog last week and read it from beginning to end. I cried a lot! It is amazing to me how I fell in love with a little girl I have never seen before! I have a 20 month old little girl. I can only Imagine your pain!
You are an inspiration to me and my family and I hope that you find the strength that you have lost! Please continue to post your thoughts and feelings…even when they are completely raw…they are pure! God Bless!
you are right… you are not alone.
I just wanted to let you know that I thought of you… and your precious family….
we were on vacation in Branson, MO and while at Silver Dollar City we met a family all wearing shirts that said "i hate cancer" and I stopped and thought of you… and how ALL of us hate cancer.
hugs to you!
I just wanted to say hi. I just found your blog entirely by accident, but it struck a chord with me. My big sister and best friend, who I also lost entirely too early, was named Thursday. I'm so sorry about the loss of your little girl. I can't even imagine how horrible that must be. I hope I never know, and I'm so very sorry that you do.
This made me think of you:
http://www.contrariwise.org/2009/07/30/the-tigers-have-found-me/