Excuse me while I whip this out.

Posted on January 26, 2010 by jessica

You’re wha? Where? I thought you were in the RV? You’re home? Milwaukee?

Wha?

Yes. We are home. For almost 2 weeks now. We jumped right back in to life, and have not even unpacked the Rig, and yet, Spencer and I took off for 24 hours in Milwaukee. Bear with me. I’ll get back to road stories. But first I need to tell you about this weekend.

This is Pablo. Pablo died seven months ago because he had cancer. Bilateral Wilms’ Tumor, to be exact. There is no known reason why Pablo got cancer, just like there is no known reason why any child gets cancer. I want to know why. For now, we don’t get to know why, so we as cancer parents, Moms and Dads of innocent children who have died, do anything we can. Sometimes “can” means waking up and maybe taking a shower, and other times “can” means throwing, huge, kick ass benefit concerts. Sometimes it means just going and being with others who know and letting them know you know too. That’s exactly what Spence and I did. And this is what Jeff Castelaz and all of the Pablove crew did.

This is why I went.


Because I have absolutely no idea why children are inflicted with, or allowed to succumb to, cancer, but because I know that we were designed for community and fellowship, and thru community and fellowship we can do amazing things, and because I love music and the healing power it has, I took my son to see it in action.

Spencer got to feel a bit like a rock star Saturday night. He was courageous enough to go on stage in front of 900 people and let them, as Jeff said, see what a survivor looks like.

A normal little kid who had to watch his sister die and will now, will never get to be a normal little kid again.

Pablove is amazing.

Pablove is amazing because Pablo was amazing.

On the flight home, I was consumed with thoughts of Jeff and Pablo. I watched Spencer looking out the window. Getting in to the music on his ipod.

Jeff was flying home alone. He won’t get to watch Pablo look out the window of a plane and dream about the places he’ll go someday. Just like I’ll never get to take Tuesday to another concert and watch her dance,

or sleep in a bed with her in a hotel,

or order her a huge plate of room service pancakes.

Cancer took that from us, and it will continue to take that from families, and so we keep doing whatever we can do. You can do something too. You can. What are you gonna do?

Jennifer and Dustin, I’m so sorry you lost Jake. I’m so happy I got to meet you. Margy and Robert, I’ll be holding you and Aidan and Branson in prayer. 3 years. You did it!

Jeff, thanks for being such an amazing force and inspiration. JoAnn and Grady, I hope to give you a hug someday. Keep up the good fight.

Now go read about Pablo.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | 26 Comments

I’m gonna go to Slidell and look for my joy

Posted on January 5, 2010 by jessica
I’m gonna go to Slidell and get my joy back
7000 some odd miles
Outside of Slidell, LA.
We are moving west, after spending a month, hopping around Florida.  Hoping is not probably not the best adjective when speaking of RV travel.  More like lumbering.  Lumbering like a Manatee.  We saw a number of these endangered dudes on eco-tours and boat rides.  Friend or foe?  Florida was good to us and good for us.  Sun, water, warmth; for a mountain girl, I feel very at home on the ocean.  On the edge of the land, overlooking the vastness of everything and nothing.  Mike Doughty lyrics are on continuous repeat,
Let me know your enormity and my tininess
Help me see your infinity and my finiteness.
Standing at the edge of the ocean, that tininess is undeniable.   My reminder to surrender any need for control.  To be.  To still act and do, but mostly to be.
As we drove foam Biloxi to Gulf Port, Miss and now, in to New Orleans, you
get a nice dose of that finiteness.  The destruction from Katrina is still everywhere.  A permanent scar on this region, despite the rebirth and the perseverance to survive, the scars will always stand as a reminder of the loss.
Kinda like us.
7000 some odd miles
Outside of Slidell, LA.
.
We are moving west, after spending a month, hopping around Florida.  Hopping is probably not the best adjective when speaking of RV travel.  More like lumbering. Lumbering like a Manatee.  We saw a number of these endangered dudes on eco-tours and boat rides.  Weird.  Florida was good to us and good for us.  Sun, water, warmth; for a mountain girl, I feel very at home on the ocean.  On the edge of the country, overlooking the vastness of everything and nothing.  Mike Doughty lyrics are on continuous repeat in my head:
.
Let me know your enormity and my tininess
Help me see your infinity and my finiteness
.
Standing at the edge of the ocean, that tininess is undeniable.   My reminder to surrender any need for control.  To be.  To still act and do, but mostly to be.
As we drove from Biloxi to Gulf Port, Mississippi, and now, in to New Orleans, you get a nice dose of that finiteness.  The destruction from Katrina is still everywhere.  A permanent scar on this region.  Despite the rebirth and the perseverance to survive, the scars will always stand as a reminder of the loss.
Kinda like us.
.
Seabird Sanctuary
1
Indian Shores
2
Pier 60
3
4
St. Pete
5
Homasassa
6
7
8
Christmas Dinner, Ft. Wilderness
9
10
Kennedy Space Center
11
12
13
15
16
Satellite Beach
18
19
20
St. Augustine
24
25
Vilano Beach
26
27
28
30
29
Posted in Uncategorized | 56 Comments

Fog

Posted on December 18, 2009 by jessica

84 days on the road

6th floor, between the inter-coastal waterway and the Golf of Mexico.

beach

days are mostly sunny

yet, there is a constant haze just above the surface

the fog rolls in daily

sometimes you look up and you can see it coming

this huge wall

other times, you turn your back for a minute and it seems to engulf you without your knowing

you can barely see the road ahead

it always seems to lift, but it never goes away completely

it is still beautiful

despite the fog

in the fog

more beautiful because of the fog

and, yet

days are mostly sunny

Posted in Uncategorized | 39 Comments

Back in the Saddle again

Posted on December 11, 2009 by jessica
Back in the saddle again.
Ahhhh.  This is good.  Not that we don’t love Asheville (we do), and not that we over stayed our welcome, (we did) but this, right here, in this gigantic copilots seat, is where I want to be.  We are heading down a blue highway to Gainsville.  We are talking about Brittney, one of Tuesday’s very first and most beloved night nurses.  She is from here and would wear her Gators scrubs and talk in a sweet, soothing voice, and make our unbearable nights a bit bearable.  She came on her day off, to sit with us and cry with us, on the day that we learned Tuesday would go home to, Ultimately, go Home.  Even 1,800 miles from home, everything reminds me of Tuesday
We stayed too long in Asheville.  Not that we don’t love Asheville (we do), but because we had some break issues, that apparently, because of the GM bailout and the little guy and antifreeze in the break fluid and The South and a few other uncontrollable things, we added 2 extra weeks to our stay.  Although the stay was too long, it was also a good break.  The kids got a grandparent fix, from both sides, no less, and Charley and I got in a few dates with out them.  (the kids and the grandparents) Piper had a week of leading around her now 2 year old cousin.  It pains us to see how desperate she is for that little girl play.
We also had a couple weeks in a row to check out a church that was mentioned to me in a comment on this blog.  If we lived there, we would go back again, and again and again, and probably wind up in some sort of sort of theater production and mission trip or the band, and all of it, because we really liked it there.  If you are in Asheville and you like to go to church in a psudo-famous night club, and you love Jesus, but are not so hip on religion or pomp and circumstance, this is the place for you.  I met a follower, of both Jesus and my blog, and I in no way am lumping those two together, in the bathroom while our respective daughters did their thing.
To hear a stranger speak Tuesday’s name and to witness the sadness in her eyes.  I wish it happened more.
C, C and C, Thank you for the heads up.  It was lovely meeting you and the Highland Community.)
but I digress….
Getting back in the RV was pretty seamless this time.  We’ve got our spots and know our routine.  Even the dog settled right in.  We are all happy to be heading south.  Not that we didn’t like the North (we did), but it’s been cold and we need warm.

pondlane

Ahhhh.  This is good.  Not that we don’t love Asheville (we do), and not that we over stayed our welcome, (we did) but this, right here, in this gigantic copilots seat, is where I want to be.  We are heading down a blue highway to Gainsville.  We are talking about Brittney, one of Tuesday’s very first and most beloved night nurses.  She is from here and would wear her Gators scrubs and talk in a sweet, soothing voice, and make our unbearable nights a bit bearable.  She came on her day off, to sit with us and cry with us, on the day that we learned Tuesday would go home to, Ultimately, go Home.  Even 1,800 miles from home, everything reminds me of Tuesday

We stayed too long in Asheville.  Not that we don’t love Asheville (we do), but because we had some break issues, that apparently, because of the GM bailout and the little guy and antifreeze in the break fluid and The South and a few other uncontrollable things, we added 2 extra weeks to our stay.  Although the stay was too long, it was also a good break.  The kids got a grandparent fix, from both sides, no less, and Charley and I got in a few dates with out them.  (the kids and the grandparents)  Piper had a week of leading around her now 2 year old cousin.  It pains us to see how desperate she is for that little girl play.

We also had a couple weeks in a row to check out a church that was mentioned to me in a comment on this blog.  If we lived there, we would go back again, and again and again, and probably wind up in some sort of sort of theater production and mission trip or the band, and all of it, because we really liked it there.  If you are in Asheville and you like to go to church in a psudo-famous night club, and you love Jesus, but are not so hip on religion or pomp and circumstance, this is the place for you.  I met a follower, of both Jesus and my blog, and I in no way am lumping those two together, in the bathroom while our respective daughters did their thing.

To hear a stranger speak Tuesday’s name and to witness the sadness in her eyes.  I wish it happened more.

C, C and C, Thank you for the heads up.  It was lovely meeting you and the Highland Community.)

but I digress….

Getting back in the RV was pretty seamless this time.  We’ve got our spots and know our routine.  Even the dog settled right in.  We are all happy to be heading south.  Not that we didn’t like the North (we did), but it’s been cold and we need warm.

Posted in Uncategorized | 28 Comments

Thanks Giving

Posted on November 26, 2009 by jessica

fog

This is not my writing, but my sentiments.

Lord God we render praise to you as our creator and sustainer, as the spring of life and source of healing.  We praise you with lips that sing, arms that embrace, and feet that dance.  Our praise of you is spoken before the nations and whispered in intimate love.  Our praise happens in rocking a baby, tending a patient, affirming a student, hearing a client, writing a letter, phoning a friend, reaching out, holding, listening, waiting, offering all you have given to us to one another.  We praise you, Lord God, when we remember from whence we have come and to whom we all soon will return.

We praise and give thanks.  Amen

Today, I give thanks for the God given grace, to be able to still have a thankful heart, despite it all.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Now go take a Xanax and try and enjoy your family.


Posted in Uncategorized | 40 Comments