You’re wha? Where? I thought you were in the RV? You’re home? Milwaukee?
Wha?
Yes. We are home. For almost 2 weeks now. We jumped right back in to life, and have not even unpacked the Rig, and yet, Spencer and I took off for 24 hours in Milwaukee. Bear with me. I’ll get back to road stories. But first I need to tell you about this weekend.
This is Pablo. Pablo died seven months ago because he had cancer. Bilateral Wilms’ Tumor, to be exact. There is no known reason why Pablo got cancer, just like there is no known reason why any child gets cancer. I want to know why. For now, we don’t get to know why, so we as cancer parents, Moms and Dads of innocent children who have died, do anything we can. Sometimes “can” means waking up and maybe taking a shower, and other times “can” means throwing, huge, kick ass benefit concerts. Sometimes it means just going and being with others who know and letting them know you know too. That’s exactly what Spence and I did. And this is what Jeff Castelaz and all of the Pablove crew did.
This is why I went.
Because I have absolutely no idea why children are inflicted with, or allowed to succumb to, cancer, but because I know that we were designed for community and fellowship, and thru community and fellowship we can do amazing things, and because I love music and the healing power it has, I took my son to see it in action.
Spencer got to feel a bit like a rock star Saturday night. He was courageous enough to go on stage in front of 900 people and let them, as Jeff said, see what a survivor looks like.
A normal little kid who had to watch his sister die and will now, will never get to be a normal little kid again.
Pablove is amazing.
Pablove is amazing because Pablo was amazing.
On the flight home, I was consumed with thoughts of Jeff and Pablo. I watched Spencer looking out the window. Getting in to the music on his ipod.
Jeff was flying home alone. He won’t get to watch Pablo look out the window of a plane and dream about the places he’ll go someday. Just like I’ll never get to take Tuesday to another concert and watch her dance,
or sleep in a bed with her in a hotel,
or order her a huge plate of room service pancakes.
Cancer took that from us, and it will continue to take that from families, and so we keep doing whatever we can do. You can do something too. You can. What are you gonna do?
Jennifer and Dustin, I’m so sorry you lost Jake. I’m so happy I got to meet you. Margy and Robert, I’ll be holding you and Aidan and Branson in prayer. 3 years. You did it!
Jeff, thanks for being such an amazing force and inspiration. JoAnn and Grady, I hope to give you a hug someday. Keep up the good fight.
Now go read about Pablo.
Praying for your family right now.
Psalm 62:5-8 My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Prayer Bears
My email address
What am I going to do? I don’t know exactly but I will never forget Tuesday and now Pablo. I went to the site and heard the speech about Pablo and what he said about Tuesday. He is doing a wonderful thing. I guess one of the things I do is tell everyone and anyone about Tuesday and tell them about Neuroblastoma. Tuesday. Piper, Spencer and Axel are so very special to me. I think about them and you and Charley everyday. I miss all of you and hope to see you soon and give each one of you a hug and a kiss. I look at your pictures everyday and read your blog. I have your pictures through out the house and by our bed. I pray for all of you each night and I always pray for Tuesday. I expect she is having the most fulfilling and joyful life with God that we all strive to have. No doubt she is the sweetest angel in heaven. As for all of us that grieve and yet celebrate Tuesday I am reminded that ” what God brought us to , he will bring us through. Uncle Jim and I love you all more than you know. Keep writing Jess. It give us strength and shows us humility and keeps the memories of Tuesday with us.
We love you,
Aunt SuSu and Uncle Jim
I admire your strength during this journey and look forward to hearing more about your travels. Praying for you!
thanks for the linky’s…and i’m ever so grateful that you are sharing with so many other families…sadly, you have wisdom that only a parent in the situation understands. so thanks for being you…and being “there”.
Love you!!
Damnit Jess! This is not fair. Not to you, not to Spencer, Axel, and Piper. Not to any of the families that have gone or are going through this. It just isn’t fair! I will think of something to do. I promise. I have to. But for now….(((HUGS))) go to you and your family!
And now you have experienced the love and light of Pablo.Our friend.A beautiful boy we did battle with in the halls of CHLA.An amazing child who wore pirate garb,spoke with a voice far deeper then his years,that blessed me in more ways then I could ever explain.I love this child.We love this family and their mission and their love for Pablo guides us all.
So amazing this connection you made.So strange that you met them, as I often thought, if you found your way to LA,they would have been a family I would have directed you .A have to meet family.
thinking of you as you as you have now found your way home.Sending you peace.
Awesome lady. Glad you guys got back in the swing. I bet Spencer felt good about taking action. It helps. Xx oo.
that was incredible……
i will continue to hope and pray for the warriors……the survivors…..and all the little angels …
much love,
colleen
Can’t wait to watch the video at home – blocked at work. 🙁 I just locked my office doors and read Pablo’s blog and cried. What a handsome boy and such a wonderful family. Thinking of you and yours this week. Glad you and Spencer got to get away. xoxo
Jess, I am so glad you are finding some sort of comfort (is that the right word?) in finding others who know what you are feeling. I am sure it’s a strange place to be, but also oddly peaceful to meet with people who “understand” as no one else can.
I long for the day when God will show me all of the whys and why nots of life. I look forward to truly seeing the reason behind cancer and why sweet babies like Tuesday & Pablo (and now, Adrianna) get sick and leave us here before we are ready…
My heart breaks every day and I pray for your peace. Some sort of peace until you are able to hold her in your arms again.
Love to you always. Always.
Debi
Tell me what to do and I will do it. I hate that this happens to amazing people and amazing children. I hate that this happens to anyone at all. I feel like I should do alot more but I am lost. I need direction. I want to help.
Is it bad that I am waiting and watching to see what you do, so I know what I can do? Like Shar just said, I also need a little direction. But I know I will absolutely do something.
In the meantime, I haven’t and will never forget Tuesday. I think about you guys all the time and am always inspired when you write about her. So sorry that you have to have the loss of your child in common with anyone, but I am glad to know that you are finding the community and fellowship that you need.
xoxo
Shannon
Continuing to pray!
Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Pablove
Tuesdaylove!
Hi friend – I miss you, love you and am waiting here for you whenever you need me. My homies, the Baileys (Choco, Carm & Minty) love you too. Thinking of you in the days ahead.
xo
lisa
Always, ALWAYS thinking of you, your family and Tuesday!
home, kinda’. it must feel so good and so hard. i hope that the moments spencer had to stand witness for his sister help him in more ways than just the moment. hard to know what can help….you lead…we will follow.
sending lots of love. hugs. love. hugs. amiee
What a beautiful dedication to Tuesday, Jess. What a beautiful story about Pablo and Pablove. I have to say, though, that Tuesday and Pablo and you and Jeff are the kind of people who make this world better. I’m sick that there has to be such a thing as “cancer mom” and “cancer dad.” I have been thinking about you guys every single day this past couple of weeks as the end of January approaches. So much love to you.
Kristy
Jess!!! My heart just cries when I hear about another child with cancer. I am glad you are home, I hope this is healing for you. I miss Tuesday. I know you miss her more.
Know that I’m here praying right now.
Psalm 23:1-3: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Hi Jess,
I wanted to email you instead of posting this live, but I couldn’t find your address.
I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking hard of you, your family, and Tuesday this weekend.
Wishing you peace and love.
From another Jessica
Jessica, Charley, Spencer, Axel, & Piper –
Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I know that tomorrow will always be a day of sorrow for you, but I hope and pray, that during your day, you may find peace and happiness too.
Love,
Molly
Praying right now!
Psalm 23:4-6 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Jessica,
today was the first time i was able to see the dedication. The sound on our computer broke and i have been unable to hear it. I took the first chance i had to drive to my moms house to hear it. I had no idea that they received my dedication. I didnt want to mention it in case the email wasn’t received and I never did received a reply. I am so, so glad they made a dedication to Tuesday… And what a great dedication it was!! How on earth did you find it?
Hope you and your family are doing well. Thinking of you guys, as always….
Love,
Sam
You and everybody suffer from such tragedies are in my thoughts. I am one of those who also suffer from a loss of a child. Pain, anger and emptiness are my daily friends. I also ask why this happens.
I’d like to give you assurance someone is working on this already. My foundation, CCE Research Alliance – http://www.cce-researchalliance.com has been built on this basis. Our academic work solely focus on finding answers to our “why”s.
Thanks