Last night I had dream. I was living in an apartment complex along with some other couple friends of ours. Rich was doing this experiment for a class where I was supposed to put my cat, armed only with a flashlight and a wrench, down this vent filled with crocodiles to see if it could survive. I kept asking “Why can’t you use someone else’s cat”?
Today we will get the official results of the past two weeks of tests and scans. We will also find out if Tuesday was randomized for one Transplant (Autologous stem cell rescue) or two. We are faithful that she will get what she needs, while simultaneously willing it to be one. It’s very risky. Especially in the midst of RSV and Flu season. It’s scary to think of poisoning your child to the brink of death and than waiting for her body to accept back her clean cells. Terrifying to think of doing it twice. I really do want to be faithful, but my inner control freak is getting the best of me. There is a power struggle going on between blind faith and mother’s instinct. Tuesday looks so good. She dances and dances and then some more dancing. She is so full of Joy. She doesn’t look sick and this is the hardest part because that means nothing. This is a sneaky, evil disease that likes to come back, even after chemo. Even after transplant. Even after Radiation, and Acutane (go figure?) and antibody treatments. So the question remains, what is better, one transplant or two?
A very dear friend of mine gave me the following, which I have hanging on my fridge, because that is where you hang these things.
“Faith is about risk. Too many people want it to be without risk, and because it isn’t, they choose not to believe. To have faith is to have courage. Faith means taking a risk that God is really there. There is a reward for that risk, eventually, and it’s called KNOWING. Eventually, faith gives you evidence of the existence of a higher being. Without taking the risk, you can never get to the knowing, and you reinforce your disbelief. Risk is the currency of life, and in the same vein, it’s the ticket to meeting God.”
So again, today, we step out in faith. She will get what she’s supposed to have. And if that happens to be two transplants, then we’ll just jump off the study, I mean, well, I don’t don’t know what I mean. Stay tuned.
