Go Blog Yourself

There seems to be this notion out there that I am somehow stronger than you. That you couldn’t survive the death of your child. (you could) That this is your worst nightmare. (Yep, mine too) Today I am weak and broken. I appear to have a slow leak. Tears fall 2 or 3 at a time because there is no time, no place, to let them all out at once. Maybe if you were left alone, but then, my God, you’d be left alone. So it seeps out slowly, with every thought of her, which is every thought.
I’m afraid her face is fading from my memory. Her presence is still so present, but I’m forgetting her face. How can that even be? I stop on the stairs and swallow up her image in the pictures that hang there. Reminding me even more of her absence. My memory is shifting from cancer Tuesday to healthy Tuesday but they both feel more like dreams than memories. Or is this the dream?

Right now I am not strong. Not even in the mood. But you will gather, as you do, and you’ll hold me up and you will pray for my strength and for peace, two prayers that have always been answered by our loving God. You know how much I must hurt. He knows how much I hurt.
Something tells me He hurts too.

I know. I’m a postin’ fool, but I’d just be a fool if I didn’t give a shout out to my darling friend Tonya, who nominated me (snif, snif) for the Mom It Forward contest. I won! I’m so touched and honored. Seriously, honored.
You can read all about it here. I feel proud to be part of such a cool group of women. Keep on changing the world, sisters!

Park City, Here we come!

Spring decided to show off her arrival in Colorado with perfect, 70 degree weather. I’m sitting out on my front stoop. Don’t remember spring being so loud. Doves and dogs and songbirds and squirrels all competing for my attention. All of them in pairs. It is spring after all, but I can’t help but see them as twins. Perfectly paired. A lone songbird is singing away in the tree above while all the others appear to be playing a game of tag. Is she over compensating because she is alone? Look at me! Or does she just have more to sing about? Wants to share it with the world?
I needed spring. The warmth, the green, the new life. Longer days and shorter nights, which is good for those of us who lay awake with the weight of the world as our bed mates.
Piper comes running outside, tripping in Tuesday’s too tight, sparkly-pink shoes. When I ask her if they are too tight she answers, “No, Mama. They’re just perfect.”