I knew what she was going to ask. I could see it forming in her mouth before my ears picked it up. I didn’t know I was going to say 3. My dad told me he’d gotten advise, and that when strangers ask, I should just say 3. To which I thought, Um, ok, I’m NEVER going to do that. I will never leave Tuesday out of the count.
I’ve done it twice now. It didn’t feel good either time. Especially the first time. Especially when she was going on and on about how hard it’s been to see all those bruises on her son from his football games. My urge to trump her had to be choked back by the coffee I was gripping in my sweaty hand.
She doesn’t need to know. I’m not going to see her again.
Just sit and enjoy your stupid coffee.
You don’t always have to be a public service announcement.
Just sit there and get your toes painted.
Stick to the idle chit chat.
The second time was a little easier, as second times tend to be, but it still caught me off guard. (You did it again. Why did you do that?)
“Oh, you finally got you girl! How perfect!”
Yeah. Perfect. I could have said, “No we actually got two little girls at the same time and that was perfect, but one died of cancer so, no, not really all that perfect anymore.” But that’s usually a conversation killer.
What I’ve gotten from this, 3 vs 4 experiment is that it’s sometimes better to not share her. It’s not a disservice to Tuesday and it’s not unjust. It doesn’t mean I love her or miss her any less. That is impossible. I’m not a bad mom because I didn’t tell the sales lady. I’ve shared her with the world. Sometimes it’s ok to keep her to myself.
In the same vein, I’m working on letting go of some of the pain and sorrow. I don’t need it in order to love her, and my theory is by giving some of it away, I’m creating more space for her love. There is only so much room, and I overflow so easy these days. If you come here because you’ve lost a child, you might think this is total bullshit. Sometimes I think so too. 1 year and nine months and 2 weeks is not very long in our world. I’m still making it up as I go.
But today, dear stranger, as I’m stewing in the news of a sweet boy and his second relapse, I’m sure if you ask me how many kids I have, the answer will be four.
I usually say three, but have ocassionally said two and don’t feel good about it. Last night at dinner at church someone said to me, “so you just have the two?” and before I could say anything he went on with the conversation but I was set to correct him. I have also gotten then “so how many children do you have NOW?” question which I detest because they know and don’t count him. I n a professional setting I say two – in a personal setting I say three.
I am just now comfortable with it after three years. I am ready for the looks, I am ready to confort the person who asks when I answer them if they push it beyond just the number question.
You are in my prayers, as always.
As you have said to all of us before, “it is ok if you say the wrong thing or didn’t say the right thing, because there is no wrong or right thing to say.”
I will always think of you as a mother of four. You will always be Tuesdays mom. And she will always be your daughter. You are, and always will be, a mother of four beautiful children.
Praying for you, your family, AND Justin and his family.
I have a friend who lost her son at age 16 to suicide. She has struggled with this question for 6 years. She handles it by saying three, one has passed away. I think you need to do what you can handle at that moment. I am a believer in feeling your feelings. My friend says it’s ok to hurt and it’s ok to laugh. No guilt. You have all of the memories, the love and the pain. It will always hurt, but not always so much!
Like so many, I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine being in your shoes. I agree with letting go of pain making room for love, though.
3 years, 9 months and 25 days………..my heart is always with you.
Jess…
You have my heart always. Just as Tuesday will always have it.
Always.
Love you and pray for you every single day.
Words can’t describe my thoughts. Your strength, honestly and constant desire to make the world a better and more aware place amazes me.
You are often on my mind and in my heart.
Catherine Bernard
What a touching post, as always.
Can’t even begin to imagine.
Your family is never far from my thoughts.
I talked to a woman last weekend about her daughter that she lost at 4 weeks. I listend as she talked. I asked questions. The next day, she thanked me for listening…for talking. She said she doesn’t get that often. I owe that to you. Thanks for letting me know it’s OK to talk about her.
I love you. Think of you often. Pray for you and your family, always!
i am always struck by the question at the OBGYN {like this information ever changes oh why oh why do them make me fill out the same $$#^& things year after year??} office of how many pregnancies vs. how many live births. i know there’s a perfectly good reason for it but it still stinks.
i completely see your point and i’m sure it’s an incredibly hard question for you to answer or anticipate.
love the way you honestly share your raw emotions.
As always tears flow whenever I read something you have written, but who is to say which is right and which is wrong? I don’t think there is either. I talk about Tuesday to anyone and everyone that will listen. I show people pictures of the Kids standing on our balcony with the “whatyagonnado.com bus in the backround. By the way we are now not going to sell the condo so think of a way to use it as a fund raiser. Love you Jess and Family!
i have been following your blog since the beginning but this is the first time i am leaving a comment.. i think you are handling what happened to your family, the best that you can. i dont think there are any rights or wrongs in how you handle it.. i’m sure that sometimes it’s one second at a time.. just to make it through. you have every right to choose what to say and to whom and how much. you are SO right, it takes nothing away from your love for tuesday if you choose not to share at a certain encounter. nothing in this world can EVER take even a smidgeon of love away. i can see how much you have healed since she died and yet to you it prolly feels like you havent at all. my heart goes out to you and yours… and i think the only thing in this world that could ever give me a grain of comfort if i lost one of mine, is the fact that i believe she/he would be waiting for me where ever heaven is, when my time is done here, too. it’s not much comfort compared to the pain of the loss, but it would be the tiny string of hope that would get me through… and give me the will to stay here with the other 3. [i too have 4]. god bless your heart for all you do for childhood cancer, i am sure you have made a huge difference and given hope and inspiration to many… maybe even being the ONE thing that helps somebody stay in this world when they planned on following their child. it’s SO cliche and difficult to hear this because it makes one want to scream out WHY? but there IS a time and a REASON for everything… i am so sorry if that hurts you to hear.. i pray you are able to continue on your path in tuesday’s name and try to remember that you make a difference. C
I am sorry these are questions you even have to contemplate.Not fair.Not fair at all.
I am in this middle ground.A place between.A foot inside the cancer world,with a child blessed to be in remission.Knowing all too well the in’s and out’s of it all but blessed to be where I am.And in that place I see all too clearly the faces of my mommy friends,in your place,contemplating the same things.Not wanting to share their child.Wondering about how Christmas cards should be done or even IF they should be done.All questions no mommy should have to ask themselves.
So today my prayers and peace to you Jess.And to all my mommy friends.Prayers to your sweet friend who has relapsed.We have one of those today as well.
Oh this world that we have been dumped in.
You are always on my mind. Tuesday is always on my mind. It’s just not fair any parent has to deal with this. ð
Love, the Eadles
prayers….
At least you have enough kids that when you use the plural “kids” in casual conversation you aren’t then backed into a corner where you have to explain about the dead one. For some reason saying, “Oh my kids loved their easy bake oven at that age” and then answering the how many kids do you have question with “one” makes people think I’m crazypants…
I’ve almost called you several times this week just to say, “Holy crap dude, our girls are dead, WTF.” I guess I’m back in the how the heck is this my life stage…
I’m so so sorry about Justin. So so sorry, I hope he gets a miracle.
this may be a little long, but in august i went to blogher and i finally met a mama/blogger/artist woman that i have loved reading for so long. she is also a mama that lost a twin, her little boy liam at 6 weeks old. i started reading her blog just after he was born and have never stopped reading because she is an amazing writer and person.
there is something about her that reminds me so much of you. i had been with her for maybe about an hour, we were in this party setting that blogher seems to foster and this not so nice, kinda snooty ny woman was asking us about our children. she said two, which is the number of her boys minus liam. she looked at me when she said it and her look said ‘i don’t want to share him with this woman’. and i just nodded at her. i cannot understand the things you and kate have been through, but i understood for a moment what it must be like to have to choose what to say …
i think of you often, you and piper and tuesday, your boys, your husband and family. i can never feel like i have found the ‘right’ words to say when i comment here, but i try … so here it is:
you are so beautiful, jess, in your ability to be and breathe and create and find strength to make money and awareness and people aware of your tuesday, her struggle, the fight others are still fighting.
my heart and thoughts and prayers are sent your way tonight. a
Barbara Johnson once said when someone asked her (she had 2 sons die in seperate accidents) “I have one & 2 deposits in heaven”
Not sure if you would, but I thought that was such a sweet way to put it.
Praying for you & your family.
My daughter died when she was 15 months old. She and her twin sister were born very prematurely and she died when her lungs finally gave out. Her sister is fine. I have an older son as well and usually answer by saying “I have 2 children at home” or I have 2 children here. It makes me feel better knowing I didn’t leave my baby out and the person has no idea what I mean. Why get it in to it with a stranger…it’s not worth it
my mother in law had 3 sons and lost one at 18 years old. She typically tells people when they ask, “I have 2 living.” Most people don’t inquire further, but some do. Yuck, there is no good answer.
It’s like when people ask me if I want another child. (I’ve had two miscarriages and have one 2.5 yr old son.) I hate just saying, “yes.” b/c then they’ll say things like… well, you better get to work, you don’t want them too far apart, etc. But, if I say, “we’ve had two miscarriages” everyone gets weird acting and feels bad. Sigh.
My heart is always with you and often times I explain the story of Tuesday. Esp when I wear my “Tuesday” shirt. I can’t even imagine the questions you may have not only from strangers, but in your own heart and mind. You handle it all with grace and courage. You are by far one of my greatest heros. Love you!
Am so sorry that yet another family has received bad news…
I’m here praying right now.
Psalms 116:1-5 I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the LORD; O LORD, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I’ve followed your blog for a while – when Tuesday was sick. I had then 4 children at home. This summer, my eldest died – of a non-heroic illness, one that makes for lots of questions, and head-shaking, and ‘should have’ ….’why didn’t you…’ type comments. There weren’t legions praying for him, because mental illness isn’t someting you talk about. Since his death, I have found that it’s something people WHISPER about. Yet still a secret.
It’s been 3 months – sort of like maternity leave, people are ready for me to be ‘normal’ and preferably very quiet about it all. For the rest of the world, it’s like we really need to pretend he just went to camp or something – or college – or moved to Alaska.. I answer the question how many however it works for me – because at the end of the day, they are going home to their regular lives, and I am going home to a big empty space.
I always say I have 8 grandchildren, one in heaven. Tuesday is on our hearts
every day ~ still praying Romans 8:28 will be revealed to us all and that her brief
but amazing life will continue to bless others who have come to know her through
her mama’s love, words & tears.
Wow. That has always beena question I have taken for granted. I never really thought about how those who have lost a child might have some difficulty answering that question. Thank you for once again grounding those of us who taken way too much for granted. Love you!
It was so great to see you last week! Your words always make me stop and thing. Here’s what I’ve got…you have 4 kids. Share Tuesday with the people you want to share her with, and don’t worry about the others. I’ve found that people get stuck in their own lives and don’t really think about what is going on in other people’s lives. I know I do, but I’m trying really hard to really pay attention to the people I come in contact with. I don’t know how I’d answer this question, but the woman who was complaining about the bruses on her kid from football is one lucky chick. She may not need to know that, and I hope she never has to travel this road. Grip that coffee, please know you are loved, and please know you are not in this alone!
These verses are so comforting. Continuing to pray!!!!!!!!!
Revelation 21:1-4 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers!
Isaiah 25:8-9 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it. And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Stopping by this blog is always bittersweet! Jessica’s ability to convey her
painful insights is amazing and those who respond always bring me joy!
Love you all.
Grammy Leslie
Agree with “Grammy”! <3
"FOUR"ever!!
Hugs Jess.
Lifting up prayers!
Lamentations 3:55-58 I called upon thy name, O LORD, out of the low dungeon. Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry. Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not. O Lord, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life.
Prayer Bears
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Continuing to pray!
Psalms 18:28-31 For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness. For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the LORD? or who is a rock save our God?
Prayer Bears
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Know this time of year is so very hard…saying extra prayers for your family!
Psalms 50:14-15 Offer unto God thanksgiving; and pay thy vows unto the most High: And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
Prayer Bears
My email address
As I am gearing up for the holiday tomorrow, you are on my mind.
Thanksgiving.
Prayers will be said around many dinner tables, that will include ALL of you. My dinner table included.
“I am thankful that Tuesday was a part of my life, and my kids life. And I am especially thankful she was part of your life.”
Hugs!!
Know that I’m here, continuing to pray!
Psalms 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I think about your sweet little princess a lot, almost every day.
I will never be able to understand how and why a little girl that I never had the privilege to know, touched my life so deeply… I would’ve loved to get to know her.
I can just tell you (what you already know) that she was a very special little girl and she really changed my life, I’m a better person because of Tuesday and Tuesdays are and will be forever her days.
Thank you for sharing your angel with us. As always I’m praying for you and your family ð
Praying in Seattle!
Psalms 121:3-5 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Four. Four-ever.
How is your new artwork coming?
Share with us, please.
Always here praying!
Psalms 121:6-8 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Jess, sorry I didn’t meet you when I was in Colo for Thanksgiving. I’m Jay’s mom. Tears are rolling down my eyes as I read your blog. I want to read more, but as you know, we can only take in so much sadness at a time. I totally understand about sharing our babies with strangers – I have found it less comforting lately to share about Emmy. Your thoughts help me understand what’s happening.
Love to you and your family.
Patty/Grammy
Continuing to lift up your family in prayer!
Psalms 5:1-3 Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my meditation. Hearken unto the voice of my cry, my King, and my God: for unto thee will I pray. My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.
Prayer Bears
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No matter what happens in life, the Lord has us wrapped up in His loving care. Praying!
Psalms 91:4 He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I have a friend who has lost a child and faced with the same question answer. She has found a great solution. She has had 4 children…. her answer when asked “How many children do you have?” She answers with “I have three children at home.” It doesn’t leave her angel out and there is no need for further explination. Hope this helps.