Piper started her first full day of preschool this morning. By full day, I really mean 2.75 hours. It’s something. It’s a milestone that I have been dreading. Not dreading because she is my youngest, my last to leave the house, but because she is doing it without Tuesday. We laid in her bed and I wept and she sobbed.
I don’t want Tuesday in my heart, I want her in my school. I want Tuesday to come back
I want Tuesday to come back
I feel so fucking inept. All I can say is, I do too. Because I do. It doesn’t matter how totally impossible and irrational it is, I want her back.
Piper is a great kid. A funny, happy, whirlwind of loveliness. Everywhere we go, people ask her where she got her curls, and she always replies, from Tuesday. I’m sure they wonder what the hell that means. She will always be our beautiful, painful reminder and for that I am eternally grateful. And still eternally heartbroken.
But, she is also struggling right now. She cries for her twin daily.
I miss Tuesday.
We draw her a picture and she puts it in a drawer. Sometimes Tuesday thanks her with a rainbow. More often than not, a double.
There is very little useful information on twin loss in childhood, and what there is is subjective and circumspect, because if I’ve learned nothing from this tragic world of child loss, it’s that we all do it and feel it different. Someone else’s take on the matter is just that, their take. I’m finding that I am her expert. It’s a daunting task. The bondshe shares with Spence and Axel runs deep and they are her ultimate protectors.
And they are having their own issues, too, that I’m weeding through. Spencer is burdened with this sense of responsibility to care for all of us and make sure we are safe. He has trouble sleeping and we can’t talk him out of it. He doesn’t want to talk about it all. He’s an amazing empathetic and sensitive soul.
Axel, after almost 6 months of the silent treatment for every and all adult, is starting to blossom. He has our sense of humor and and cracks us up when we least expect it. I worry he will always feel the need to be the one that makes us laugh.
We are a psychologists wet dream, the 5 of us.
The 5 of us.
I still hate that.
It should be the 6 of us
Whitt, party of 6.
But we are healing. Somehow we are better than we were a year ago. And in other ways we are worse. But maybe next year we will be a little better than last.
More sweet than bitter.
Jess My heart goes out to you and your kids. I wish I had a magic power to fix everything for you. I have no words only prayers that someday God will explain why this happened to your family
Love you always
Denise
I wish I had answers. Something. All I have is love and prayers and I will continue to have them for you all. Always.
OMGod Jess. I wish like hell there was something any of us could say that would help.
Just know that you are in our thoughts, prayers & hearts always. Always will be.
You are so right.
You SHOULD be Whitt, party of 6.
I am so sorry. It sucks. So much.
You have my prayers forever.
I love you all.
Debi
I believe the bonds you all share with each other is the glue that holds you and your family together when you’re all alone in the still of the night. And it will hold you together for another year, and another decade, and another forever. And the next milestone.
Sending warmest thoughts to you on this day.
Hugs to you all! I think of you and pray for your family often
I wish there was something I could do. I really do.
My heart just breaks for Piper, and you all.
You should be the Whitt family, party of 6. You just should be.
Hugs to you all!
such a beautiful photo, and a beautiful and poignant post. you are a reminder to us all of the bigger, more important issues of life. thank you.
Piper looks beautiful in this picture! This post is really beautiful and tragic, and very moving. Your kids are lucky to have you to help guide them. And vice versa.
As always, I’m not sure what to say. I look at my two who are rarely apart for more than a few minutes and can’t imagine having them split apart for a lifetime. I can’t imagine having to be so strong for my child when experiencing such pain myself.
I will continue to pray and hope for peace for each of you. I hope Piper continues to feel Tuesday’s presence – that she can share each special milestone with her own angel
praying for your family….i think that’s all we can do…..hope tomorrow is a little easier for you all..
peace.
Dearest, sweetest Jess,
The words you put on paper spill from your heart and fill up mine. The triviality of the day-to-day problems pale into nothingness. You are a mother extraordinaire. The sweet picture of Piper on her first day of school is precious and beautiful. You’re so right, Tuesday should be right there next to her. Somehow I’m sure she is! They should be sharing these memories. What a lucky little Piper girl to have a mom who cries with her and feels her pain and knows intuitively how to ease it. Piper will do amazing things as an adult. She’s already experienced more than most of us. I don’t know what to say to you to help. I do know how to send you love…so much love.
Carol in Cave Creek, AZ
How utterly heartbreaking and devastating. I’m sorry you have to go through all these milestones without her. It’s just not right.
I cry for you while I am reading this… praying for your entire family!
This picture is so fantastic. I was thinking about how hard it must be to pass these milestones like pre k without Tuesday. Each year will get better and children are resilient. Eventually they will overcome this in a better way than we ever can as adults. As they grow and change they will become happier than you can even imagine. Good for them and sad for us adults who will never forget Tuesday or the pain of losing her. I think of you guys every day. I don’t know how, but I know that people do get better, feel better, enjoy life again. I love you.
My heart is just breaking for you all, i sit here weeping while reading your post…. you are always in my prayers, God’s amazing love will keep you strong. Tuesday is home with him and one day we will all be there reunited with our loved ones that have gone home before us. Much love Debbie xxx
My heart breaks for you. My twins never really realized that they were twins, I think – the accident was before they were 1. Now, they will always be separate, and one has a limited life span. It breaks my heart to have milestones where I should have two little identical girls flouncing around in school or at activities, and I only have one. (although my other one is still alive now, but very disabled). I see only a glimpse of what you feel, I know. But I know someday, I will only have one twin left too. I think of you often, even if you don’t know me (although I think I saw you and Tuesday in the hospital PICU after our accident). Much love from here.
Jess – thanks for the update. Since finding you on someone else’s blog awhile back and then following you since, including Tuesday, you and your family are in my thoughts a lot. I will see little girls in the grocery store or wherever and think of Tuesday and Piper. Amazing how small this world really is. We always hear the bad but I enjoy reading blogs and hearing from people, like me, that none of us know each other but can still care. Piper looks beautiful in this pic. And hearing how your boys are coping is both encouraging and sad. So much weight on all of you. So much sadness to try to maneuvre around in life. You will always be a family of 6…always. My heart breaks as you have to try to talk it through with Piper….can’t imagine but do care. Keep hanging on.
oh god, jess, i am just weeping for piper… i cant stop. i am so sorry that this is part of the way she has to live, with the loss of tuesday. you have every right to want her back. i never even held her and i want her back. but i will send what strength i have to you, i give it to you and hope it keeps helping with the healing. it may seem imperceptible at times, the healing. but thank you for telling us there is some happening because i still think of the 6 of you more often than you probably know. and hope for you. all my love, a
Hi Jess:
A friend of mine (Jenny Fischer) referred me to your blog. I love it. I love your honesty and how your put your heart and your hurt to the world.
We lost our Samantha a month ago due to a mitochondrial disease. We were long-time patrons of Children’s.
Give Piper a hug from us. Peace to you all.
Heather
You are always on my mind. I always wonder how you, Charley and your kids are coping. This was a heartbreaking answer to that. I wish there was something we could do, anything. Praying helps, but it doesn’t change anything. I suppose it will all take time.
Your kids are lucky to have you and Charley…and you are lucky to have them! I am certain that it makes Axel’s heart sing when he makes his mom laughing & smiling!
Keep strong Jess. One foot infront of the other. Day by day. You will all survive this – together!
Jess ~ I have no words, just love and prayers for you and your sweet family. Together all of us who have been thrown down this rabbit hole will survive…not sure how, but I have faith that we will survive!
Love ~ Jen
Continuing to lift up prayers!
1 John 4:9-10 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Prayer Bears
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I wish I had words of comfort, but know none except I am so very sorry you all have to have so much pain. PEACE BE WITH YOU
I think about Tuesday and your whole family often. I am so sad to hear how Piper is suffering. I can not even begin to imagine how hard it is for you to watch her struggle, to watch all your babies struggle with the pain of losing your sweet Tuesday. Much love to all of you!
It is a good thing my information is stored in your little reply box up there, cuz I couldn’t see through the tears to type. So excuse the typos.
Jess, you are 100% right. It should be Whitt party of 6. And it will always be that. Tuesday is in each of your hearts, your spirits, and as much a part of you as breathing. I am crushed everytime I think of the fact that you of all people have to go through this. It isn’t fair. I like so many others, wish there were a way to wave a magic wand and make it all a different story for you. Praying next year is just as you hope and more sweet than bitter. Praying that Piper receives peace. And especially praying for the boys who understand so much more than little Piper. Love to you all always!
As a mother of twin girls, and a mother of 4 children, my heart breaks. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I think about you and your family EACH and EVERY day, how much I want to give you, a complete stranger, a hug, because through all of this misfortune, we aren’t strangers. WE are all in this together, across the country, across the globe – neverending support. May God bless you continually in your life, in Piper’s life, in Charley’s life, Spencer’s life and Axel’s life.We do not know the reason’s for the hand that God has dealt, but through faith, we know that one day, we will understand.
I, like the 26 other people that have commented before me – wish that I could reach through and give you a hug.
Piper is beautiful. she will continue to grow – continue to be beautiful – she will always have this loss. you all will – but you will have it together.
many families let something like this pull them apart – I’m so glad to read that it isn’t happening to you all.
My heart aches for your entire family. and I, like the others, wish there was something I could do.
<3 hugs and prayers your way…
We want Tuesday back, too.
Love you all so much
Still here listening, with no words.
You are not inept. You are doing the best you can and that’s exactly what your family needs.
I’m sorry things didn’t turn out differently and that Tuesday isn’t here to share these milestones with Piper.
Praying!
1 Peter 1:6-9 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.
Prayer Bears
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Always here praying!
Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
Prayer Bears
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Being a twin, I do know how deep that bond is… it is hard to explain. You are born as a pair. In a way, you are really not your own person. You always feel like part of something… It’s a bit hard to explain… But I can imagine how Piper feels… I remember as a child wondering how I would feel without my twin and I would cry… At just the thought… I so wish that Piper had her other half… She probably feels this huge piece missing from her and doesnt know how to fix it… Atleast, that is how I felt when my twin, Maya, was in the hospital…
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Tuesday and of your family. You are always, ALWAYS, in my heart and in my prayers….
I wish there was some way to ease the pain. No parent should have to bury their child. I will never understand it as long as I live. It is far beyond my humanness and all I know to do is listen, pray, and love from a distance. Seems so futile at times. I choose to believe that someday when this earthly life is over, we will see the big picture, and it will all make sense. I think of you all often…God bless you always.
There are no words. HUgs!
Dear Jessica
i am a friend of Jo-Ann Thrailkill and Jeff Castelaz who lost their own beloved son Pablo last year to Wilms Tumour .
Jo-Ann forwarded me your blog as she had been speaking about you and your family and of course…..your little Tuesday.
i know she has drawn some comfort during her darkest minutes,hours, days by reading your beautifully written blog…….
And that by reading about Tuesday she is also reading about Pablo.
By reading and recognizing your pain and your suffering, she is also given permission to acknowledge her own which I believe is helpful to her on her journey forward as a parent who, just like you, is crippled with grief.
As someone who loves Jo-Ann and Jeff, Pablo and their surviving son Grady…..
i just wanted to write and let you know that your blog, as articulate as it is……devoid of self pity and full of bravery……..has touched my life and helped me understand what my friends continue to face as the months,the years trickle by without their beautiful son.
My heart goes out to you and Tuesday and the rest of your lovely family.
I wish you all well and hope that life treats you kindly as you move through it, remembering Tuesday always.
Kindest Regards
Shirley Manson
I do too.
My heart breaks for your family. I HATE what your family has to go through by not having your precious Tuesday with all of you. Your family is contuinously in my thoughts/prayers. God bless you all.
Love, Sarah