Piper is on her second run of fever in as many weeks. Last night she broke out in a thick rash that she’s worn all day. Sometimes this is how it starts with Neuroblastoma. This fever followed by rash is how it started for Tuesday. 2 years ago, on this date, she was diagnosed.
I replayed and replayed and replayed those first trips to the doctor and then the ER and then the Oncology floor at Children’s, all last night and much of today.
Fear is a powerful enemy. Memories can be palpable. If only I could feel and smell Tuesday the way I can still feel and smell that room at that moment.
Piper is most likely having a reaction to the MMR shot she got 2 weeks ago. That’s what the rash looks like anyway, which happens to also look like Roseola. Roseola is what Tuesday had right before she got sick. I’ve always wondered if there was a connection.
I’ve read, “Where there is no faith, there is great fear but where there is great faith there is no fear.” Whoever wrote that was clearly never the parent of child with cancer.
I remain full of both.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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As moms we HAVE to have faith, but it is close to impossible not to have fear as well. And I won’t even pretend to understand the fear you must have. Lifting Piper and you all up in prayer.
This journey with cancer has robbed us of the ability to view a bruise,a rash,a low grade fever,a long nap,an aching leg,a pain in the belly or any other seemingly benign ailments, at face value.And you,unfairly and cruelly,more so than me.
So tonight I send you peace and prayers during your unsettling moments.Wish that were enough.
I’m sorry that Piper isn’t well right now. I hope she gets better quickly, and that it will offer you some relief from those worries. It isn’t fair that you have to second-guess and what-if so much more than those of us who haven’t experienced a loss like yours. May your faith always get you through the fear. Hugs.
I will pray for Piper. Fear is normal and having faith is amazing. Any time you lack faith there are hundreds+ of people who will have faith for you. The beauty of blogging.
<3
Faith makes things possible, not easy. ~Author Unknown
We all have faith that Piper will be fine. We will all pray that Piper is fine and that you are too.
We love you,
Aunt SuSu and Uncle Jim
I’ve wondered about that faith/fear thing too. . . it’s complicated by the multitudes of Bible verses that say “Do not fear”!?!?!?!? How do we do that??? It’s not like you can just turn it off. I get this dilemma on a first hand basis, though my circumstances are totally different.
Anyway–I am praying!!! Hoping that your next post will be a whole lot of “WHEW!!”
Lord, in the name of Jesus Christ would you shower Piper & her mom in your presence. Fill Jessica with your peace & keep Piper & the whole family safe & well. I give you all the praise & glory & thank you Jesus.
*hugs*
I am thankful that you have your faith to carry you through the fear. The former is lasting, while the latter can wax and wane.
Praying. ((hugs))
Holy shit dude. SO MANY prayers heading your way.
I like how “Jill” said it above. We certainly must have faith BUT, I agree, we are human and we simply cannot stop the fear from slipping in. As many, we lift Piper and family up in prayer.
prayers going up
Sending you one big giant hug.
I’ve been without a computer for the past couple of weeks and have been out of touch with the world… You are never far from my thoughts… I actually had a dream about you last night… I invited you to a party but was too afraid to talk to you because I knew I would break down and cry… I did come up to you and talk to you about Tuesday and about how you feel… It was such a real dream. I pray that you are finding peace. I pray that you are finding happiness… Love to you and your family
Wow. Fevers make me nervous but I try to have faith that they are our body’s way of heating out the bad stuff whatever it may be. Faith.
Holy crap, that sucks, Jessica. Praying for Piper–and you and your family, too.
I won’t even try to imagine what you are going through. I know I am a total freak when it comes to my children getting sick. I am so scared of the flu, of pneumonia…since knowing Tuesday’s story I am gripped with fear over losing one of my babies to something as awful as cancer…to anything. The thought just terrifies me.
My faith never waivers but I do have fear, it is only human, really.
As your hat simply says: “Life is Good” but sometimes Life is bumpy too.
LOTS of prayers coming your way for little Piper, for calmness, and for continued strength.
*Hugs*
praying its “just a rash/reaction” I can’t imagine living with that worry. Praying for strength and that this will pass quickly with continued health
prayers and sweet dreams to y’all. think of you often
Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I hate this reality for you. It pisses me off. You shouldn’t have to go through these fears every time Piper, or Spencer or Axel gets sick.
I hate it.
It’s not fair.
I will pray, as I always do, that you won’t ever have to hear those horrible words again.
Love you Jess.
Praying that it’s just a reaction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What comfort these words give!
John 14:1-3 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I hate fevers too. However, I have never lost a baby. Fevers suck. The worry is there, Not as deep as what you feel after Tuesday, I am sure.
When my kids have a fever I always tell myself “It is ok. This is good and the body is fighting off whatever is wrong”.
Do not let go of a mothers positive attitude & do not diagnose.
Piper is healthy. Happy. Here.
Love on her. Take care of her while she is not feeling well. And enjoy her when she gets all better.
Tuesday is looking out for Piper. And YOU.
I will keep you all in my prayers.
Cancer is in your past…not your future.
Fear is human. I know why you fear and I would never fault you for it. How could anyone who has gone through what you have gone through not have these fears? Piper is experiencing symptoms that millions of other children have experienced and ended up being fine but those children are not your children and no matter how strong our faith is, there is always going to be a little part of us that says “what if?”. I have tremendous faith that little Piper is going to be just fine and that you are going to continue to heal. I pray for you and your family to find joy and heal every single day and I will continue to do it for the rest of my life. Continue to hold on to your faith. God will get you through this life and you will have an eternity to spend as a whole family. Love. Love. Love.
I’m praying for everything to be a-okay, and that Piper is feeling well soon. Poor kiddo!
Vaccinations affect everyone differently, and sometimes it can be scary. In fact, it’s that darn MMR that gets the best of my little guy, too!
Hang in there, Mama, I have “faith” all will be well soon. 🙂
I have faith in God’s will but the human nature in my also fears God’s will when it is not the same as my hopes and dreams. He knows this about me, us, and loves us none the same.
I lift you and her sweet girl up in prayer. May you feel the peace and grace of Jesus!
Blessings
Sending much peace and prayers your way. I hate that we are robbed of the innocence in life when having gown through certain things. Learning of Tuesday changed by life. Sending Piper get well wishes.
Apparently I can not spell gone or my southern accent is really thick today.
Praying for Piper. Relating to every one of your words in every single way. After going through what we’ve been through, fear is our first reaction to even the most simple illness. I hate cancer.
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry I haven’t been home. You know I know what you are going through. The worry, the flashbacks, the feeling like you are overreacting, the worry that you are under reacting. Love you so much, hope Piper is better already. Talk to you very soon, I promise.
My prayers are with you Jessica! Im so sorry for all the crap that cancer brings. My heart goes out to you.
Jess, because of Tuesday and you, I have become so much more aware of symptoms my kids have. I know that with each of my kids, in the last month, I have taken them to the doctor because both ended up with petechiae on their chest, and one of them all over their face. After some scary moments waiting for blood results, I found out they were both fine, but before, I probably wouldn`t have even thought to take them in. I didn`t know much about childhood cancers, and because of Sweet Tuesday, much of us are well informed now. I just wish it didn`t take this happening to make us all aware. As always, I think of you often, and Tuesday is brought up often here. Love you!
okay, so my heart is in my throat and i am only thinking one thing….she is okay, please tell me she is okay.
all my love and healing powerful praying thoughts are yours and piper’s… take them as you need them and know that they are there. shit, it just f’ing sucks, jess…fuck cancer and what it has done to every fever and any peace of mind. praying and praying and praying, kiss piper for me…
I pray for you. I pray for Piper and for Tuesday. I am a mother of twins and I cannot imagine the loss. I pray for you because I know that it helps. I have never met you or your family but you have made me hold closer to mine and therefor you have blessed me without even knowing you did so. Please feel well soon, both of you!
You’ve been on my mind a lot these past few days! Hoping that Piper is done with the fever and rash and back to her normal self.
Please let us know how Piper is. I check every day for an update. Still praying.
I will lift you and Piper up in my prayers, I’m sorry that you have the (understandable) fear that you have with a minor rash…….I’m hoping its minor. I hope that you guys are well and happy!! Please know that I’m sending happy vibes your way.
I stumbled here blog flipping and was compelled immediately by this picture of your daughter and yourself. I am the mom of three with one on the way, and know the heart of a mother. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers today- I’m not religious but do pray. Fear is a beast and I hope you kick it’s ass today.
Oh. I get this. I so get this. My son was born with a heart defect that could be the full extent of his diagnosis or could be just one symptom of a larger “syndrome.” I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. A few weeks ago, a fever and rash sent me into a full-on panic.
I’m so glad that Piper is feeling better and you can have some peace…until the next rash.
Your children are beautiful and I think of your family often.