Sometimes it’s very clear that I’ve been put back together with Scotch Tape and safety pins and only a strong wind is required to blow me apart.
It’s been a windy week.
We’ve had a school meeting to address one child’s “emotional needs”, another child that wants to fix or have a solution for everything, but only winds up frustrated by everything, and a little girl that is obsessed with a cartoon about twins, because “I Love it because I’m Tuesday’s twin.” She watches and then she melts down because
1. I tore the toilet paper and she wanted to do it.
2. Her raisins are stuck to the bottom of her cup.
3. That’s not her best shirt.
4. Her panties aren’t on rightaways in.
5. Her panties are on rightaways in.
6. She doesn’t like the panties that I’m wearing.
7. She’s 3.
Charley and I are totally burned out and are desperated to get away for a few days, but we are totally and completely incapable of making any plans or decisions.
I know that this is cyclical. We’ve been through enough cycles that I know a day or two from now the sun will come out. When you’re in it, it’s as though the sun doesn’t exist. The bummer is that I know my mood sets the mood for the whole family. I’m blue, the kids are blue, my husband is blue and the dog is blue so he pees in the house.
I’m also aware that this is not unique to us or to our situation. I know that. I know that every family has cycles like this, regardless of what has happened or has not happened. What I don’t know is how to tell when I should be concerned by these behaviors. Is it because of, or just because? Should I be doing more for them? Am I doing too much? Are we depressed or just sad. Are we going to be ok? Do we just need the sun to come back out?
The extreme highs and lows, joys and sorrows and feelings of love and emptiness still come with too much frequency and too much unpredictability. It’s still, sometimes, too much. It’s got to be better than complacency and numbness, right?
I don’t need answers. I know we are going to be ok. I just needed to get it out so I can clear my head enough to choose a restaurant and a movie.
And the world spins madly on.
Dear Jess…
I haven’t visited your website in a while, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think of Tuesday. I always think of Tuesday. My neighbor has twins, a boy and a girl and I just love them. They just turned one. They’re so different and yet they’re a package. Try as I might I can’t imagine one of them without the other. Because of that my heart aches for you. I always wanted twins myself. You not only lost your child, you lost half of your package. I can’t begin to wrap my brain around that kind of feeling. Over the past 7 months I’ve been watching this dreaded thing called cancer slowly deplete my best friend’s husband. He’s not a child, but he too is too young to die. Cancer is SO horrible and just look how many people you’ve touched and made aware. You are SO amazing in your posts. I feel as though I’m turning pages in your heart. I can’t really empathize but I can love you and care about you. I was amazed that when I logged on here you had only posted your most recent comment 1 minute before. I was thinking of you and drawn here today and voila there was your post. You’ve touched me in such a special way Jess and I look forward to a day when I can meet you ‘face-in-face’ as my Chinese friend says! Then I will give you a real hug…not just a cyber hug…and we will no doubt cry together.
(((((((hugs)))))))
Sending love your way as you negotiate life… praying for the kids and you!
I don’t have any answers for you, no advice. All I can offer is prayer and love from a complete stranger. I think of Tuesday everyday. I have one of your buttons on our family blog, it will always stay there. She continues to change my life, my families life.
I hope you have a wonderful night with your honey!!
Sending prayers and blessings
[hugs] virtual, internet,pretend, from God, from Angels. [hugs] a little bit of comfort.
I am praying for you, Whitt family. I so wish I could do more, but know that from across the Pacific Ocean, I am lifting you up in prayer.
hugs!
I think that you’ll just know…..if there’s reason for concern, I’m willing to bet that you’ll feel it in your gut. Or a caring friend or family member will see it and offer help.
Hugs to you and your whole family.
i have been missing you…not for the posting of hard things to mull over (and oh god, we have reached three and it is like totally insane) but because your voice is like a love magnet.
i burned you a c.d. that i vow to send tomorrow. it is mason (of course) from the day we saw him in store and he signed all those bits for us. it is winging your way…
no answers, and this is not to be construed as advice because i don’t think you need it, but keeping writing and keep listening to your innards…they will tell you.
Just let it out Jess.It can’t hurt and absolutely has got to help.
Sending love and prayers as the world continues to spin.
And when I say it can’t hurt,I hope you know what I mean, as I know “it” hurts your heart …. like no other.Wish I had wisdom for that ….
My heart aches with yours….
Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers right now!
Psalms 37:39-40 But the salvation of the righteous is of the LORD: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the LORD shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I hate that you have to feel this way ð
I can’t imagine how very hard it is when the kids are having trouble as well. You’re so right. We play on one another’s emotions and set each other off.
I pray that the sun comes up quickly for you and the whole family.
Please know I am here if you need to talk.
And, soon, I’ll be there and I’m going to give you a big hug.
Love you jess!
No words, just (((hugs))) and prayers. Prayers that you will find all of the answers you are looking for and that the sun comes out soon!
Love you!
You have such an amazing way with words and I often use things that you have written to put across a point I have with hubby, friends, family etc.
When I first came upon your blog I read the whole thing from start to finish and it struck me how sudden it all was and final. I cried my eyes out and still often think of you and your family.
Anyone who goes through what you have must have amazing strength and love to maintain any type of family life. I’m sure it’s hard not to analyse everything but all you can do is your best on that day, not every day, but as much as you can.
Take care. xxx
I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you
This world keeps
spinning faster
Into a new disaster
so I run to you
I run to you baby
And when it all
starts coming undone
Baby you’re the
only one I run to
I run to you
I wish I knew something that I could say that would make the pain go away. Just know I love you and pray for you every day. And I will always be here for whatever you need.
I hope you were able to find a movie and get out. Movies are my escape from everything. I go once a week, typically by myself and savor every moment.
And, you are so right…..the world does go on……and you’re handling it all beautifully.
i don’t for a a second pretent to know what you are going through, other than to say that i understand the dark and twisty times of life
press on
and know that many of us are praying for you and your family.
{{{{hugs}}}}}
and by “pretent” i meant “pretend.” gah.
Jess,
I wish we all had the right answers to give you. I wish that you didn’t have to feel this way at all. I don’t have the power to give those things to you, but I can send my thoughts, prayers, and lots of love to you and your family. I still plan on getting to meet you face to face one day. And when I do, I plan on giving you the biggest hug. All these virtual and spiritual hugs will keep coming in the mean time. You can email me anytime you need to scream at the computer. I promise not to scream back! ð
Hugs!
What a blessing and comfort to have eyewitness testimony of Christ’s life. Praying!
I John 1:1-4: That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, and our hands have handled, of the Word of life; (For the life was manifested, and we have seen it, and bear witness, and shew unto you that eternal life, which was with the Father, and was manifested unto us;) That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ. And these things write we unto you, that your joy may be full.
Prayer Bears
My email address
You have safety pins? I think I only have straight pins.
I blogged the other day too. First time in forever, maybe it was the gloomy weather that set us both to thinking too much.
You know I’ve said since day one that parenting through the death of one child is the hardest parenting I’ve ever done, and I’m doing it when I am totally off my game. And I only have the one nearly grown kid to deal with. You and Charley are doing an amazing job. All we can do is our best and if we love them and listen to them and respect them then we have done all we can.
If we can help you get away we would love to. We would be happy to have your kids for a weekend.
I have a plan for you – ready?
Traveling to a destination is the hardest part of getting away, so don’t do it.
1) Book a Hotel downtown for two nights. Hotel Monaco is our favorite and they have good weekend deals sometimes. Or go to Hotels.com and book the cheapest 4star with good reviews you can.
2) Do whatever you want all day long with no kids to bug you, Museum of Contemporary Art or DAM, Tattered Cover, shop, movie, Elitches, nothing, whatever.
4) Have a nice dinner – I like Osteria Marco and Panzano. Or don’t, have gelatto and go see if there are any cheap same night tix at DCPA.
My point is, there is no need to plan, just go.
These verses are so comforting. Continuing to pray!
Revelation 21:1-4 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Thanks for the reminder that I need to make time to spend with my husband. I let the day to day dealings take over and I am so busy being a mom I forget to be a wife. My poor hubs is neglected. You’ve inspired me to try to take an overnight escape with him next weekend.
I have not been through the loss of a child, but I am on the flip side of what you have mentioned about dealings and when to know if it is normal or when to seek help. My oldest son has many issues, things I thought were just quirks and him just being a boy later turned out to be more. I fight the good fight daily with him. To the point where I want to scream and pull out my hair and I plead with God to make him normal because I can’t take the damage his behavior does to our family. I wonder where I went wrong with him, what I fed him, if I didn’t take enough vitamins while pregnant…even though the Dr.’s assure me it wasn’t any of that we can’t help but to blame ourselves.
Anyway, so did not mean to unload on you. Your posts help to keep me grounded. To remind me that no matter how hard things get I can keep going. To be thankful. To love them like there is no tomorrow, and make sure my boys know how deeply I care for them.
I hope you and Charley had a nice date night. Hugs to you and your family.
hang on…
I’m just here listening and wanted you to know that.
xoxo
Ride it out, you’ll be in a brighter patch soon enough. Eventually, you’ll notice the brighter patches last a little longer and a little longer in between. I think there will always be the bad patches, especially for bereaved mothers. Cope in which ever way you can/need to. Ride it out, do what you can to survive, don’t beat yourself up. You’ll resurface for air, and you can catch up then.
My heart aches for you and your family.
You inspire all of us to be better. Thank you for that.
You and Charley are desperate for a get away, and I am desperate for a way to help. Leave your kids with us. It will be fun for all our kids to get together and have fun. While you and Charley breathe, and talk, and love each other quietly. We are here. And would love to have your kids over for a couple days – we will make it fun for them…I promise.
Hugs.
Happy Mothers Day Jess. You are an amazing mom who truely makes us all strive to be better, at a job that is really not a job, but a gift.