There’s a lot of pressure on moms. Pressure to be better than the moms of the past. Pressure to do it all. Well. Better than well. It starts with pressure to have the perfect birth and then God forbid you choose to be a stay at home mom, a title I think every mom secretly loathes, there is the pressure to keep a beautiful home, perfectly beautiful children, cook healthy, and inventive meals, volunteer full time at your children’s school, have a better body than before you had kids and a have a blog to prove it. Apparently it’s also en vogue to be a slacker mom, slacker homemaker, never cook or volunteer, as long as you are freaking hilarious. Blog still required.
Turns out there’s a lot of pressure to be the perfect mom to your dead child, too.
First, you must start a foundation in said child’s name, immediately upon their death. It must be fabulous and inspiring and worthy of mention on Oprah or Cookie Magazine.
second, you must run your first marathon or do your first tri. (At the very least you need to quick, drop the weight that you gained while living in a hospital, watching your child die, or, which you probably didn’t gain if you were the perfect cancer mom and kept up with your exercise regime.) You will need to form a team in your child’s name and you will need to raise large sums of money for the previously mentioned foundation that you formed.
It’s also important that you get in as many interviews as possible so that you can raise awareness for (insert disease) and (insert foundation). When interviewed, shed the appropriate amount of tears so that you look like the picture of the grieving mother that we want to see. We don’t want to see the grief stricken mom in her pajamas at 3:00 in the afternoon, on her fifth cup of coffee or 1st glass of wine, that can’t finish her sentence because she doesn’t even remember what she was talking about. Please, get your shit together.
And don’t forget, you need to write a book. You need to get it published in the first year or else it’s yesterday’s story.
I’m not being critical. I’m doing all of the above in one form or another. We are working on our foundation. I may, indeed write a book. I someday hope to ride in a grueling ride to benefit our hospital. Lord help me if I don’t lose the weight I gained while living in the hospital. Am I doing these things because of self imposed pressure I feel to honor Tuesday’s precious and much to short life? Is it pressure because that’s what I see other parents doing? Do they feel pressure because that’s what they see me doing? I am working on our charity because I want Tuesday’s spirit to live on. So that she is not forgotten. Ever. I want to see her name everywhere and I want you to have to see it too. (Yes, I get the irony. No, she wasn’t born on a Tuesday.)
But what about the mom who doesn’t want the Foundation or the marathon or the book or the anything that requires more of her than basic survival of the unfathomable? What does she do with that pressure? You can say that no one is judging, but I see the magazines in the grocery store check out (ok, so I don’t ever grocery shop) and I know that people are concerned that John Travolta is still so upset a year later and whether or not, for Marie Osmond, “the show should go on.”
I don’t know. Guess I’ll go work on the Foundation.
Perfect mother of a dead kid.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.
I visit a LOT of sites and have seen a lot of moms lose their precious children. I’d say most don’t do any of the above. I wouldn’t let anything you read at a grocery store pressure you into doing anything. Do what YOU want, when YOU want to, WHEN you want to.
Just saw that you did the name in the sand! Carly’s doing such an amazing thing and helping so many. Don’t think she’s writing a book or running any marathons, though.
Lifting up prayers right now!
Matthew 11:28-30: Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I always love how direct and real you are. I wish you had a choice in the topics that are in your heart that allow you write this way.
I have never loved a daughter and lost her as you did Tuesday, so my thoughts are not from personal experience. . . but I think the best way to honor her and remember her is not in what kind of foundation you set up or if you ever write a book… I think it is in allowing yourself the time to grieve and then allowing yourself to live. Really live. Not immersed in trying to be the perfect mom of a child that died, but as a woman and mother who has many more years in this life and should get the most out of every day.
Just be who you are, apparently a mom that rawks :o), and give yourself an early Mother’s Day gift of releasing the pressure of trying to do this right. Exactly what you are doing is doing it right.
The thing I hear all parents say is “they don’t want their child’s death to be in vain”. I’ve always figured that that is where the pressure comes from.
If parents don’t do all of those things and more, they give themselves a guilt trip because their child is dead and they feel they have to knock themselves out fighting back. Fighting the lack of funding, fighting the ignorance, fighting the disease, fighting just about everything sometimes. No matter how old or young the child was.
The shallowness around us is like salt in the wound and something else to fight against. That’s how I felt many years ago when I suffered a life threatening illness and lost a pre-term baby while my first two kids were preschoolers. Your outlook changes forever and that isn’t a bad thing. Blessings Jess!
My friend lost her baby to stillbirth 3 years ago. It was a very difficult loss that was hardly understood by many people and she did not get a lot of support. She tried to do “good” in her daughter’s name during the first months of grief but now she just tries to be happy. She has been in therapy and is now enjoying life as much as possible, and her other daughter. She does not want to focus on the child she lost but accept it and “be happy again.” So there are as many different ways to live with loss as there are people. Of course this is a different kind of loss to yours, but you get the gist. As for John Travolta, and any other parent who has lost a child, I’m sure that it takes a lot longer than a year to stop feeling so bad and it makes me angry that people feel free to judge such a profound grief without having gone through it themselves. Strength to you all! Hugs.
Can I just say how it burns my butt to see a headline that says something to the effect of “John Travolta still devastated by the loss of his son.”
STILL?! Exactly how long do they think it is acceptable to grieve?! No, I’ve not been in the horrifying position of losing a child….but I still have enough of a brain and just a sliver of sympathy and compassion to understand how a parent can grieve for an entire lifetime. It’s just so insensitive and insulting.
Hugs to you all….I think about you often.
I don’t think there can be a “one size fits all” way to grieve. My stepmom lost both her sons (they were both 41) in less than five years. I watched her go from “wanting to crawl in the casket” at the younger son’s funeral, to being in the delivery room for the birth of her oldest son’s first granddaughter. She is grieving still and has been for six years, but by the grace of God, she is also healing. She is still taking life one day at a time. That’s about all anyone can/should ask of any grieving parent. And just be there for them. She knows if she wants to talk/laugh/cry about her boys, she can call me day or night.
My heart broke for her at my brothers’ funerals. My heart broke for you, a total stranger, when I read your blog the day you lost your baby. There should be NO pressure, especially from a fellow mom.
God bless.
It has been 13 years that I lost my precious baby, Not a day passes I dont think of her. Im sad that my other daughter will never know her sister will never know how strong and wonderful she was. she will have my memory to go on and thats not so great these days. Somedays I hear a song or smell something that brings me right back to the day I was holding her. I have never wrote a book, started a foundation or done anything great to help people remember my sweet girl. In fact there is only one person who even remembers her birthday and she never even met her! I sometimes feel as though I failed at keeping her memory alive, Im really the only person that matters and I will never forget her…EVER… You are a great inspiration for mothers who have lost a child and your ability to be raw and truthful with your feelings goes a long way. What you do right here in this blog is amazing!!!
I never comment but pray for your sweet family and get all excited when I see you in my Reader. We are from Monument CO, and followed Tuesday via a friend in my bible study. I continue to pray as you work through the grief and redefine your family and yourself.
It does seem like the internet is full of heroic children and super-powered parents lately. I guess it’s another outlet to grieve – but I see nothing wrong in crawling under the covers for a week, a month, a year and not coming out. Let yourself do that if you need to. No judging here.
The pressure does drive you to a certain point of insanity – I remember when ellie was diagnosed I was shocked to find out all the extra crap that came into the equation – wasn’t it enough that we were trying to survive this whole cancer world? We even fell into the whole setting up a foundation and quickly learned that was not the right thing for our family even though I too, don’t want anyone to forget the hell that ellie went through! We definitely had to step back from things but I remember feeling that same pressure and wondering why?? Now we enjoy fundraising for other foundations – does that make it less for ellie? Not to us! As “cancer parents” we do the best that we can for our family and that’s it – no explanations. If you come by my house on any given day I will most definitely be in pajamas and I may have coffee in one hand and wine in the other! We love you guys! You are doing what you need to do in your way and your time and that’s what makes it right! Btw – margs this week??
Jess, please don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing anything that your heart isn’t into.
I honestly don’t know how you do all that you do. I know WHy you do it, but the how… you just amaze me.
There is no right answer for what you should do, other than do what makes your soul feel right. Follow your heart, which is undoubtably guided by sweet Tuesday. I know the St Baldrick’s foundation made you light up. It was so clearly visable in the photos and in your voice when we spoke. It was good for your soul.
But, that doesn’t mean that you need to jump into everything that comes your way. You know you have my support, love & understanding always.
as for people who might judge how long you grieve, fuck them. They have not lost a child and screw them for judging you or any other parent that has known such a horrible loss. Don’t you even give them another thought.
Tuesday will never ever be forgotten. No reason for you to feel burdened by that worry. You will NEVER be alone in making sure she is remembered. Your friends and loved ones have your back always.
Love you Jess!
I can only imaigne the pressure you feel as a grieving mother, to preserve Tuesdays memory. To do something with your loss… I imagine it makes you feel closer to her, working towards something, in her name… I would probably do the same….Actually, I think if I didn’t I would crawl in a whole and never come out.
I don’t have any wisdom to share. I’ve never been in your shoes. But I know I’ve said it many times, Tuesday will always be in my heart. I don’t need to read a book (although I know I will be first in line to get one, if you do!) to remember her. I will never, ever forget her. You have made her so real and so loved by SO so many people. Because of you there are thousands and thousands and thousands of people around the world that think of her and love her and miss her even though they have never met her. That is an amazing accomplishment. And in doing that you have also educated so many people on pediatric cancer and Neuroblastoma. AND made mothers everywhere want to be a better mother, because in this real world, children die. Beautiful, innocent children die too soon, sometimes.
ps jess…if you EVER feel burdened, and need someone to help out, PLEASE, just ask.
I will NEVER forget Tuesday, or you and your family. You are all too precious.
I’ve come back to this post three times, wanting to find something comforting to say, wanting to lift the pressure from you.
I have nothing to offer but a hug, and sympathy.
Thank you for this post….
I feel this pressure. We are not doing many of these things and I am trying to do what feels right to me and not due to external pressure. Two and a half years later I am still working on getting a memorial installed at my son’s school. There are so many NB foundations. I have decided to support those of whom I know personally (CNCF and NB Alliance) and St. Baldricks. There will never be one in my son’s name. Those of us who loved him will always remember him and that will have to be good enough. Sometimes, though, it seems not enough but it is all I can do.
i still ? Tuesday.
The worst part about grieving is you know all about it. Till you are actually doing it. It bothers me that the people who should come around grieving people, love them, care for them, help them, etc. . . . are too busy being experts at grief. I could go a long time without the judgment personally. I wish you didn’t have to deal with the crap. ðŸ™
We lost our 2 alomost 3 year old daughter 2 and half months ago. We are doing almost all the things your wrote about. Not because that’s what we are suppose to do but because that’s what we want to do. The Tri’s were our way of dealing with Rylee being sick now the training is what fills our days because we can’t stop. There is no right or wrong way. You inspire me, be true to your self, do what is best for you and your family. Prayers for you all and screw what people think your suppose to do.
I don’t think you should do anything but what you want to do. And if 30 days into the marathon training you decide it isn’t what you want to do, than screw it. Don’t do it. Ifstarting a foundation becomes too overwhelming than stop. Or pass the torch on to people who you trust. I don’t think most people who lose their children do any of those things. And I don’t think anyone worthy thinking about judges them either way. Tuesday’s memory will always be alive in my heart. Every day. Forever. Love you!
you are such an amazing woman and mother… I am praying for you!
Jess, you’re in so many hearts…Tuesday will always be remembered…please don’t feel pressure to do ANYTHING, but grieve as you must and know so many are wishing you peace.
Love your words. You just have to be you. You would rock even if you crawl into a ball and sleep all day and gain 100 lbs. You’d still be the BEST mom ever. I’ll bet Spencer, Axel, Piper and Tuesday all think you are the most PERFECT mom.
A glass of wine at 3:00 sounds just perfect to me;) So does 5 cups of coffee. We’re all here to pick up anything you want us to run with or not.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Jen
You are a perfect mother without all of these things because you are a mother to perfect children.
I think of Tuesday often. I think of your whole family often. My heart breaks for you. Sending you much love and many prayers. Hang on and give yourself a break. You deserve it. XOXOXO
Krista (Jeffersonville, IN)
Oh Jess,
It breaks my heart to “see” you in such pain. There is not a right or wrong way to grieve for your child. Only you can decide that. Pressure be damned. You have enough on your plate trying to be mom when you want to do nothing but curl up and cry. For all those who are making you feel any thing less than the loving, perfect mother you are needs to get a life. If you want to write a book, I’ll read it and toot it to everyone who will listen. I’ll even stand outside of Borders and sell copies from a Girl Scouts style table. If you don’t want to write a book, then I will continue to support you by reading here and telling everyone what an amazing child Tuesday was, and what an amazing angel she is now! If you want to run a tri and do it to raise money, by all means go for it. I can assure you I will virtually root you on, but my big butt ain’t never running/biking/swimming in a triathlon. If you don’t want to run a triathlon for everyone to see then by all means tell them to F off and leave you alone.
Please know that many of the people who read your story and know you, would never think any less of you because you grieve differently than the next cancer parent. We love you, pray for you guys, and just want to see your heart heal a little from a pain we will never understand. Sending you big hugs! And you know I am just an email away if you want to cuss at the world for a moment!
Hey there,
I don’t know if you remember me, we were on the twin board together (I think I was momof3boys?). Anyhow just wanted to send love and prayers your way. I don’t know if you knew, but my 2nd son died of SIDS. We went through a horrendous battle with DFCS, when they removed my older son (long story, but point was the coroner couldn’t call it SIDS bc we found him and he was on life support so therefore it wasn’t sudden and was listed as unknown so DFCS stepped in). We spent almost a year in hell fighting to get them out of our lives, and then bc of the way the law is written, we “had to” start a political battle to get the law changed. I had to laugh when you talk about having to start a foundation, shedding the correct amount of tears etc… since I was forced into a similar situation. I was verbally attacked on our website bc I “didn’t look sad enough” during our tv/news interviews. I had to run pickets in front of the capitol building. I was too busy doing what I had to do to realize that I never had a chance to grieve. Basically I just wanted to say that first off, you have been amazing. You have brought so many people together in Tuesday’s name, and have made a HUGE difference in a short time. Not to mention that you have made it through something that would knock most people to their knees. I know, I’ve been there. I often did, and still do think, I just don’t know what I would do if my child got sick or if I lost a child. I wish I didn’t know the feeling, but when I see other mothers who have lost children keeping it together, and making the best of a situation, it gives me hope. But I also wanted to say that you have to do what is best for you and your family. It is ok for you to honor Tuesday by doing nothing, by celebrating her birthday, by lighting a candle every week, or however you choose to do so. After almost 2 years of picketing, fighting, working with senators etc.. we got our law passed. Now it was not exactly the way we wanted it, and some people thought we should keep fighting, but I chose to let it go at that point. I chose to focus my attention on the children that were here, especially since I know Dylan is with God and that if somebody other than Mommy had to have him, God is a good substitute. I am getting very long winded here, and not sure it is coming out the way I want it too, but my point is that Tuesday’s name will be honored every day because no matter what you do or don’t do, she still has a family (and LOTS of internet friends) who will remember that sweet smile, and keep her close to their hearts. Breathe, relax, pray. Do what is best for you and your family, whatever that may be 🙂
You are always in my prayers…
-Rae
Jess, everyone grieves in their own ways. It is unacceptable that there are these `guidelines`to how a parent should grieve for their child. There shouldn`t be guidelines. No pressure. You do the best you can with what you got. No one should ask or expect more then that.
Think of you everyday. Love you, dear friend.
perfection is just too unattainable. and you do not strike me as trying to be a perfect anything. you read to me as a mother of four amazingly beautiful children, one of which left us all way too soon. and a woman with a sharp wit and great way with words, a way that brings your child to us and her struggle and your loss. you are just so real jess. and so what ever and how ever you choose to do this will be too.
and i know that every parent that loses a child must have to find a way to pick up pieces and patch them together and try to live a life that honors their child, their immense loss. you are doing it the best way you know how…foundation, wine and pajamas and i so very hope with laughter and hugs to balance some of the weight of the grief and responsibility to her.
i still find tuesday and you in my thoughts often. sending love, amiee
Hey, hey, hey now, breathe. You don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself. I am not the mother of a dead child but I have lost a lot of family due to cancer and I am here to tell you that you don’t have to DO everything that anyone and everyone thinks you should. What you have to do is take care of yourself, for the sake of your family. Grieve, cry, fall apart. It is all acceptable. Your friends, even though I don’t know them, are probably a wonderful network of support for you to lean on. If you need to yell, yell to or at me. I will listen. If you need to eat chocolate every day for two years, so be it! Please, take it easy on yourself.
Your friend Debi had mentioned your money raising efforts and if there is anything that I can crochet that could be auctioned, or some way that I can help, I would be more than willing to do so. I have had cancer F-up my family in more ways that I can explain. I have lost so many to it and I LOATHE cancer and am always working on new ways to help make money to fight against it.
Jamie
Praying as always!
Galatians 4:3-6: Even so we, when we were children, were in bondage under the elements of the world: But when the fulness of the time was come, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman, made under the law, To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons. And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of his Son into your hearts, crying, Abba, Father.
Prayer Bears
My email address
There is no expiration date on grief. Nor is there a right way or a wrong way. You are an amazing woman. Your family is an amazing family. Please know that Tuesday will NEVER be forgotten. She has changed so many lives. She has changed mine. (((HUGS))) to you!
Jess I’m sure you are feeling all kinds of pressure but you must not give in to the pressure. Do what is best for your and your family. Only you can decide what feels right for you. I would never judge you and those that do are not worth thinking about.
Love you and I will NEVER forget Tuesday!
That was beautiful…thank you.
I hadn’t thought about the “perfect mom” problem….
I was once the not so perfect child of a dead mom…I
know how other people’s peceptions can hurt.
I have prayed for you and your family.
Blessings & Peace, E
Oh, my goodness! I’m not the mama of a dead child, and I pray I never will be. I didn’t understand or realize the pressure that comes with that whole situation. All I can say is, “Let yourselves grieve and heal!” Who knows how long it will take?
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Tuesday was a beautiful, funny, loving, joyful, brave, innocent little warrior. Her life could no more be forgotten than the most famous of famous folks out there with even one of these qualities.
She is a stone tossed into a still pond.
And you?
You are the luckiest woman on the earth to have been her mom.
Sending prayers your way, whether they find you hiding under covers or shouting “SCREW YOU CANCER!” from your rooftop.
It’s 3 o’clock and I could use a glass of wine. Wanna come over and talk about our dead kids? I can’t even begin to comment coherently on your post. But you know I know.
I swear I have come back a half dozen times,begin to write and hit delete,delete,delete.In the end all I have is prayers filled with strength and peace and grace.
Two Sunday’s ago,I sat at a table with 3 amazing momma’s.Pablo’s mom being one.Sitting there with this weird “survivor’s guilt mode”Mute then,as I am now.
Today I wait for word about another of our 4th floor warriors and his fight out of this world.This little guy came in fighting,much like Zoey and pisses me off that he has to go out fighting.
I will never be able to reconcile any of this.No wonder I am speechless.
love to you Jessica.
I can’t reconcile any of this either. But even though, the time is coming when all injustice is dealt with. I love this Martin Smith song. It stirs hope deep inside that can’t really be expressed. Hope of something bigger than I am.
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one
And we can see that God you’re moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing.
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice
Did you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokenness
And here we see that God you’re moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord.
Hang in there! Praying.
Carol
Praying as we head into Holy Week remembering all that our Savior did that we might have hope!
I Corinthians 15:1-4 Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand; By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain. For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:
Prayer Bears
My email address
I have read this post so many times, and I still do not know what to say to you. Just love, God’s love and light to you. I remember so clearly almost a year ago when we had a crises how you commented and prayed for us – you are such an amazing woman.
I had to read your blog twice…I wish I can sit and hold your hand and tell you that you are amazing. I believe that you should look past what the world expects and just be who God made you…uniquely you…rest in that.
Sending much hugs and I promise to pray for you, that the Lord will help you to carry your burden…and will give you peace.
I cannot imagine how you feel, but to think you feel under pressure to be a perfect parent of an angel, my heart just breaks for you. I can relate to the pressures of how society views stay at home moms. I am one now and I feel so much pressure to be the perfect homemaker, but truth is I struggle enough with being an imperfect mother that I can only strive to be just as good at being an imperfect but trying housewife. So far I’m about 50/50…
Regarding your wishes to have Tuesday’s name everywhere so that she is not forgotten…I have to say from a total stranger…a person who is normally shy (in person) and not one to drive 40 minutes to a child’s service to support a family she has never met during the most difficult and sensitive time of their lives. Tuesday will never ever be forgotten in my heart. God laid her and your family on my heart so heavily and I have been so moved by your little girl, during her courageous battle and even more so by her lovely message floating in your trees after her service. I’ll never look at pink balloons without being reminded of Tuesday and the assurance that there is life after it all.
Not only on Tuesdays, but each day of the week I think of Tuesday. When I play with my little boy’s curls, when I kiss my kids goodnight, when I lay down for the night and pray for another day, I think of your little angel. Each time I donate to cancer research and fill out a heart, a shamrock, a ribbon… I always place Tuesday’s name on it. I made a button with Tuesday’s photo and placed it on my blog linking here. I feel silly sometimes, like I have no business coming here and commenting each time I do because I am just a stranger, but my heart brings me here. I am not just using words, but real emotion when I say that your daughter changed my life. She will never be forgotten.
What you are doing, to honor her, is perfect. Whether it is creating a foundation or smiling for your other children when you want to cry. Whether you shout to the world how you feel, or keep a private diary. I hope you find contentment with all you have done and continue to do.
Either way, I admire you and your family and I will continue to do my best to keep Tuesday’s name in people’s hearts.
God Bless.
Tamara
Do what you can, even if that is nothing at all. Let these expectations slide. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and anyone that thinks there is, is mistaken. Tuesday will forever be in my heart and will NEVER be forgotten! I think of you and your family often.
Mrs. Whitt,
OMGosh, that me cry. You won’t EVER have to worry about
Tuesday being forgotten…because she won’t. She’s an inspiration to everyone. There really ISN”T a right or wrong way to grieve. You and your family are always in my prayers. I love you and your family. <3
whoa, can you ever cut the shit, huh??! you’re totally right about all of that mom stuff & i never thought about how it would relate to a mom who’s lost her child.
thanks for pointing it out – it’s totally sick. there’s NO one way to be a mom – we’re all just trying to survive (or faking it, whether we realize it or not), & beyond that there’s certainly not just one way to grieve. thanks for being a voice.
I just found your site while googling “naming a foundation after my dead child.” No joke. Just honesty. My daughter died in December. I feel late in the game because there is no foundation yet. I’m working on my articles of incorporation now. I’ve raising awareness of her disease non stop. Thanks for this. Lots of love. xoxo
It’s a privilege to be able to pray for you!
Revelation 1:5-6 And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
Prayer Bears
My email address
This post is so incredibly true. Somedays I want to be the perfect Mom to a dead child and others I just want to be because that’s as much as I can do. Now that I’m a mom to one child in Heaven, one here on earth and one on the way, I’ve found life to be very interesting. My favorite question? Is this your first pregnancy? Do I say no it’s my second or no it’s my third? I dealt with this when I was pregnant with our little boy as well. If I dare to tell the truth people automatically go into the “I’m so sorries.” Which can be so annoying. I mean I’m glad they’re sorry, but they really have no clue. Anyway, sorry for the rant, but thanks for being an open book and sharing so much.
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Isaiah 53:3-5: He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
Prayer Bears
My email address
If I don’t get to meet you one day I’m going to be annoyed. I’m not going to say much in response to your post because I think you already know. I don’t think you were looking for a cheering section. You need to vent and what you said made perfect sense to me. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to do these things, it just means there’s pressure. Lots of it.
I am just so sorry. The Death of a child is a path my husband and I have been walking for the past three months.
Our daughter lived only four days, losing her was awful. The expectations after we lost her, were huge. People expected us to be falling to pieces – but we didn’t. We felt like we were grieving wrong, that we didn’t read the manual, and were screwing even this up.
Do what you have to do, in your own time. If it helps you then it’s right. If it helps one other person, It’s right.
And again, I am just so, so sorry. x
I think you are A PERFECT MOTHER to all your kids. Not just to “your dead kid”. (ugh) That isn’t what is important now. Tuesday’s memory, legacy, and beauty will forever live on, despite what you do or don’t do- SHE made that impact on our lives & we will all live different than we did before, because we knew her !! What is important, is that you are there for your other 3 kids that are here, helping them to live & enjoy life, move on, and be happy. You & Charley have done that, and will continue to do that everyday, Stop worrying about what others think. That is not your spirit & never has been.
You Jess, have been all you can be, to everyone in your life. That is what makes you perfect!
TUESDAY knows YOU are perfect.
Who cares about anyone else.
He died that we might live. Praying!
Isaiah 53:6-8 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I never would have thought about it this way, if you hadn’t pointed it out. I’m glad that you are doing all that you do in Tuesday’s name for the “right” reasons, not because of that pressure. You are so thoughtful for speaking up for those who may be feeling that pressure though, I can’t imagine how overwhelming a feeling that must be…
I love what the second commenter (Kristyn) said, about it not being about what kind of foundation you set up or book you write. That its about just allowing yourself to grieve, and then living, really living. I remember sitting in your living room after Tuesday’s memorial, and you said, “what now”? All of us who were sitting there didn’t know what to say to that. I think what Kristyn said in her comment would have been the right thing. You don’t have to “do” anything. Just live, and cherish each day. I’m sure you’re already trying to do that. And that may be the best way to honor Tuesday. I will never forget her, nor will countless others. Hugs 🙂
Shannon B.
Oh what comfort these words give! Praying!
Job 19:25-27:For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Know that I’m always here praying!
Lamentations 3:24-26 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him. The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I have been following your travels and your story. We think about you often. Peace be with you. . .cindy lou
Perfect Mother of … (period)
Yep! Perfect.
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Zephaniah 3:17: The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.
Prayer Bears
My email address
[…] from Go Blog Yourself makes my list again with an entry about being a perfect mother. Sometimes, others just totally nail what I’ve been thinking and can say it a thousand […]
I don’t know but I swear every Tuesday, “Blinded by the light” plays on my car radio and I think of your child Tuesday dancing. She is not forgotten! She is still around.
Know that you’re always in my thoughts and prayers!
Psalm 130:5-6 I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning.
Prayer Bears
My email address
We have Jesus Christ, Almighty God, on our side, with us every step of the way! Praying!
Philippians 2:9-11 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Prayer Bears
My email address
The passage today is a little different. But the way I look at it, life itself is a battle and the Lord doesn’t change. He was with the Israelites as they headed into the Promised Land, and He’s with you, helping you and giving you strength to face whatever lies ahead. Always here praying!
Deuteronomy 20:1-4: When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, and seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou, be not afraid of them: for the LORD thy God is with thee, which brought thee up out of the land of Egypt. And it shall be, when ye are come nigh unto the battle, that the priest shall approach and speak unto the people, And shall say unto them, Hear, O Israel, ye approach this day unto battle against your enemies: let not your hearts faint, fear not, and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them; For the LORD your God is he that goeth with you, to fight for you against your enemies, to save you.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I’ve been following your blog for a while – know that you matter to a lot of people, Tuesday and your entire family is important to many people.
I haven’t visited your site in a couple of weeks – but last night I had a very vivid dream.. including you and Piper! [weird] I know. Especially because you don’t know me – or anything about me so I could techinically be this crazy person – but please trust me when I say that I’m not.
I think the dream stemmed from a prayer at night for you and your family and then I got thinking about it.
Anyways, in my dream we were at an Egg Hunt and I recognized Piper first – and then realized that you were there too – on your RV trip – in Michigan – at our egg hunt – so we started talking and laughing and crying. & that’s pretty much it.
So you can either feel glad that someone was praying and ended up dreaming about you or get weirded out lol either way, it happened!
I hope I get a chance to be the type of mother you are! What lucky kids they all are!
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Psalm 130:5-8 I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning: I say, more than they that watch for the morning. Let Israel hope in the LORD: for with the LORD there is mercy, and with him is plenteous redemption. And he shall redeem Israel from all his iniquities.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Praying!
Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
Prayer Bears
My email address
You brighten my day and so does Tuesday. She is always close by. I keep a necklace with her name on it, either around my neck or on my dresser 🙂 I hope my kids think I’m think as cool as you are 🙂
Just got my mail and found an adorable advertisement of a little girl in a tutu for the “Rock Your Tutu for St. Jude” event through http://www.classickidsphotography.com and http://www.stjude.org. Of course my mind and heart went immediately to your family and sweet Tuesday. Then the next piece of mail was a thank you from Spencer. Perfect or not, I just gotta say that the impact of your family is immense. Peace.
Know that I’m praying!
Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I saw you driving and singing the other day. Glad to see you singing and smiling!!
Praying in Seattle!
Isaiah 41:13-14: For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Fear not…I will help thee, saith the LORD, and thy redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Continuing to pray!
Psalm 73:23-26 Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand. Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
Prayer Bears
My email address
i have never commented, but think about you and your amazing family daily.
THIS is the reason I think you are such an exceptional woman and mom. I love your honesty so much. It is why I continue reading you. This is so damn honest and refreshing. I’m not a perfect parent now and would be the most imperfect parent if something happened to one of my kids. And for all the foundation work you do, and for all of the days you stay in your pajamas and have trouble remembering what you are saying, Tuesday’s spirit IS living on. I, for one, have a real sense of her soul and spirit because of you and who you are. No matter what you have done, are doing, will do or what you won’t do.
That angel of yours and all of you are always in my prayers.
Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers!
Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Praying!
Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
Prayer Bears
My email address
It’s over 5 years now, and the only pressure I face is still the pressure to get out of bed each day. I’ve basically kept myself locked inside my house for 5 years, and my drug of choice has been food.
Twenty pounds later, and a recluse…..I say fuck it to all of it.
I love Olivia Grace and life will never be the same.
Dearest Jessica,
I join many in holding you and your dear Family in my prayers. We first connected when my grandson and your beautiful twin daughters were born a few weeks apart.I have been a patient of your Father for 25 years. I made 3 of everything I could think of. As joy became tinged with grief, I searched for anyway I could to let you know I still cared…deeply. Piper has the bunny I knitted; I am completing one for me to hold. I will always hold you and your Family close to my heart, with Love, Sharod
Always here lifting up prayers!
Philippians 4: 13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Of course, we all still come daily. Miss you so much. And yes, we pray too.
Know that I’m continuing to pray!
Isaiah 25:4 For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat, when the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Sorry to put this here but I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted to say thank you very much for the lovely note and photo from Spencer. It was unexpected and lovely. Thanks again and best wishes to you all.
Jess… still here and always praying.
LOVE you!
Praying right now!
Isaiah 25:8-9 He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it. And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Know that I’m continuing to pray at this end!
Isaiah 26:3-4 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Your children are beautiful……all 4 of them!!
Love and blessings, Kristy
La Vernia, Texas
The Lord is with you right now, lifting you up, giving you strength! Always praying!
Isaiah 40:28-31 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Praying hard in Seattle!
Psalms 46:1-5 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
Prayer Bears
My email address
Sending love, positive thoughts, and lots of prayers to you and your family from Cincinnati, Ohio! 🙂
Tuesday Fionna will never be forgotten.
I think of and pray for your family often. Just thought you’d like to know that. 😉