Missoula, MT
Emotions have been running high the past few days. High, and deep and wide and seeping out the seams and running over the top. Mostly mine, but of course that makes everyone else on edge too. I don’t know how to get past it either. Yes, I know all of the obvious things, but I don’t know how get out of this place. (no, not the RV) Yes, baby steps, day by day, blah, blah, blah. I know it’s cyclical. It will most likely be a bit better tomorrow. I can’t believe how powerful missing someone can be. No need to explain any thoughts on celebrating a twin birthday when one of your twins has died. You can come up with all of those painful scenarios on your own.
We’ve just left Washington state, where we stayed in Seattle for a couple days and then on to Spokane for a couple more. We spent my birthday morning at Pike Pace where Charley indulged me with pastries and coffee and flowers. We spent Piper and Tuesday’s birthday running on bridges around Spokane. My anxiety levels must be insane right now because I was sure that the kids were going to jump every time I turned my head. I hate feeling like that. I just want to let them run on the stupid bridge with out yelling ‘be careful’ every 4 steps. I liked living in that fantasy world where children didn’t die. But since we don’t live in that world, and since children do die, we went to the Sacred Heart Children’s Hospital and left money, our mission, and Tuesday’s story, with a sweet nurse named Lindsey, for another high risk, Neuroblastoma family. If you happen to be that family and you happen to come across this post, know that we are holding you close and praying for the strength to keep on. The kids were bummed that they had to wait in the hall because of flu season. I think they were looking forward to meeting someone and being the expert. Poor, sweet Piper asked if Tuesday was there. It almost killed me.
Yesterday was Couer d’Alene, ID. It is gorgeous. We got a ticket for not having a trailer on the RV. (whatever) I met a woman who lost her 16 year old son, years ago, in a canoe accident. It was cold. I cried a lot. We went to a toy store. I cried a lot. That’s about all I remember. At the end of the day, I needed to move the car to this big, empty parking lot. When I got out of the car, I saw this.
Thank you for the reminder. I’m trying.
Tuesday IS there, with you! I am sure she had something to do with the message on the sidewalk.
Jessica, we love you. Thank God that you are still breathing, and living, and sharing, and loving. This world is a better place because you are in it.
I will continue to pray for your heart to heal.
XOXOXmp
my heart goes out to you. your honesty is healing hears and mending broken people. bit by bit. the Lord bless you and keep you.
I'm crying with you, and just featured the Tuesday Fund on my charity blog. http://ifihadamillionbucks.blogspot.com
My photo holding the candle is there. Sending some funds as well…it's not much, but I hope it blesses you.
You are loved and I want you to stay in touch with us, whether you're having a good day or a bad one…we're here.
Love,
Kelli
ugottafriend.com
you are amazing.
Jess…
My heart aches for you.
I hate not having the words and I hate even more having so many miles between us. I just want so badly to give you a hug and curse the world a little bit (wrong, I know, but so what.)
LOVE you Jess.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. (Prov 3.5-6)
thank you for so poignantly sharing your journey. literally.
i wish you continued peace. . . happy birthday girls. may piper enjoy her days. . . she'll always have a special angel.
her story and life is special. thanks for your willingness to reach out to others.
You are trying and you're doing it well. Find joy where you can and know you're loved.
This week here in Australia the news seems to be full of babies and children who died – abuse, murder, accidents, tsunamis and earthquakes. Some preventable, all so horrible and sad and then your posts as well. I keep praying that no more children will ever have to die. Come Lord Jesus and put an end to death forever. Blessings to you and Charley and your little ones.
I can't imagine how any parent ever gets over this. I am thankful that you have faith, your family, and reminders from angels that love is all you need.
xo
Thank you. I'm feeling sorry for myself today and after reading your post I should be feeling grateful. The sign of Love. I'm so sorry your baby girl had to have a birthday without her twin. I'm so happy she got to run on bridges! I'm so sorry you have to ride the roller coaster. I hope tomorrow it's on the up side for you. I'm so glad you got to go to the hospital and surround that family in love. Love to you sweet Jess and family xoxo
p.s. Why did you get a ticket? No trailer?
Crying with you. Grieving for you. Praying always. I'm so sorry you lost Tuesday and you have to face these days without her.
oh love, just sending love along with the signs. and hoping for you a moment of rest and a second or two of lightness.
I didn't know you were coming here! Did the weather cooperate for you? It's raining now…what a shock!
The Lord will always be there with you! And I'm here praying!
Romans 8:31-32 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
Prayer Bears
My email address
Jes… there really isn't anything to say… know you and your family are thought about often.
I know that I don't know you or see you or hear you everyday, but it seems to me that you are doing remarkably well. There is no "right" way to walk this terrible road, it's the destination that matters. Your ultimate destination is where Tuesday already arrived. I hope and pray that you are finding some peace. God Bless. BTW…Did you happen to come through Eureka, MT yesterday? That's where I live, and we are covered in snow today. Y'all stay warm!
You ARE amazing. I just took the time to watch the Autumn Burke video of your family – it brings me to tears – you have an awesome family.
you are good people….
i'm sorry tuesday isn't there with you…but know that what you are doing is going to help so many…so many families that are fighting the same battle you all fought for/with tuesday…i tell people about your family all the time…i just want them to know about neuroblastoma and how incredibly cruel it is…and i want them to care….i pray for a cure….
you are an inspiration.
peace.
I think of you and your family often. I can't imagine what you've been through or go through each day. I admire your strength to keep moving forward.
Hey Jess,
Boo on the ticket and yeah for the "love" sign. I wish sometimes you could grieve for Tuesday without it having to hurt so much. Actually, I just wish it hadn't happened. Happy Birthday again to sweet Piper and sweet Tuesday.
Love,
Jessica
Simply praying for you.
I love Tuesday…I am so glad you are sharing her story on your journey. Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart– praying God will hold you as you grieve
My heart just aches for you. Piperasking if Tuesday was at the hospital is just so incredibly hard. Call me anytime if its only just to have someone hear you cry. Love!
The flowers and pastries at Pike's Place are wonderful. A lot of beauty here in Washington. But non of it compares to the beauty of you, Jess and your family. You all are amazing and such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing this journey with us.
I'm crying along with you, at my desk, at work.
I agree with others, the world is a better place with you. our world is a better place because of you and your story.
I hate the way that sounds because it's not fair to you, it isn't.
Happy Birthday Jess, Piper and Tuesday. I am praying for you all, sweet friend!
(((hugs))) Thinking of you and praying for your family often!
Love you Jess…I pray for you and your family …you're in my thoughts constantly…thank you for sharing you journey!
I just screamed. I went outside and screamed as loud as I could. Maybe it will wake the kids (hope not). I screamed for T and E and you guys and the Groce's. It's so EFFING unfair.
You are beautiful, you Whitt's.
Sorry will never say enough, but it's really all I can say. Well that, and I love you.
Thank you for bearing your heart in your writing. I know it can't be easy.
Know that I'm here praying!
Romans 8:33-34 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
Prayer Bears
My email address
We love you Jess, and the kids and Charley. We love Tuesday and we know that she is with you on your trip and in all of your days. Go at your on pace and heal at your own pace. You have many friends that will be there for you when you need us.
Love,
Aunt SuSu and Uncle Jim
Love to you girl, as always.
J – I've been following your blog half-hazardly over the past year or so. I'm not good at following blogs of people "just like me." My son Max lost the NB battle, too. But I was touched by your posts, and by your note on acor, and felt I must reach you…
as you said, bereaved parents are really the only other ones to understand the true pain. Compassion… we all have it, but it's really hard to put yourself in the shoes of a parent who has lost a child.
I have a hole, too.
If you are ever in San Diego you and your family have a place of comfort here in our home.
For a good short book that lets you cry, pick-up "Tear Soup." It's like a picture book for big people.
Don't apolgize for anything you write on your blog. Your close friends get it, the outer circle needs to hear it.
With you in your loss,
Melissa, Max's Mom
http://www.mikulak.com
cureNB@gmail.com
So, so, so much love to you and your family.
Jess, If that isn't a sign from Miss Tutu I don't know what is. It immediately made me think of the peace sign in Charlie's glass.
Brandi
thank you for sharing your story. i hope you have a good day!!
Continuing to pray in Seattle!
Romans 8:35, 37 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? …Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
Prayer Bears
My email address
I have commented off and on as I read your story, feel compassion, cry some tears. I always wondered why I had been drawn to you and your story. You are powerful, your words are meaningful and there is no F-ing around…gotta say that I love that.
I know a family now who's son is fighting Leukemia…I pray for them every day for a different reason, but for you and your family, I pray for peace. Peace for your hole and for Piper's missing partner in crime.
Peace and Love…
HUgs!
What a wonderful example of LOVE you are showing your children when you do things like stop off at a hospital to share your story as well as donate. I think it proof of that fine example that your boys already really want to help! Maybe next time they will get to share their thoughts, and perhaps help another family.
Jessica – warm light is shining on you and I hold you and your kids in my heart each moment. Feel the warmth!! Jacqueline
This gave me goosebumps! You can't deny that you have Tuesday looking over you all. Her Angels are leaving signs all over!
Bless you all!
Thank you for sharing your words. Big hugs to you guys and continued prayers for healing..
Life has been a bit busy for us, selling our house and stuff like that…and so I missed posts. I missed lighting a candle for Tuesday.
So I'm just lighting one now and thinking of you like I do a lot anyway and wishing that I could sit and talk to you for hours even though that's probably creepy since you don't know me…
Peace.
how's that for a run-on sentence?
I love that you are taking the trip. I'm sure it's painful every step of the way. . . praying for you through it.
Love to you and your family on your journey. If you make it to the NYC/NJ ….contact us and we'd love to cook for you and just give you a hug
Enjoy and find the peace…..
Chrissy
thescrapgirl@gmail.com
Jess, I'm glad you came through Seattle and left you spirit here. I'll think of you next time I'm in Pike Place. Hope to meet you on another visit.
Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss, Tuesday is so beautiful and with you EVERY day. I am an identical twin that lost my twin to Acute Leukemia on June 1, 2008. And as a twin, I would just like to forget "our" birthday all together. Thanks to God's promise – Tracy and I will be reunited again, and that's what keeps me going each day! God Bless you and your family – you are stronger than you think!
Hugs, Dorothy
http://www.tracystwinsister.com