I know. I haven’t come here in while. It’s such a loaded task. I want to say everything and yet fear it might be saying too much. I feel as though my mind is talking my ear off and i want it to stop. I want a break from the unrelenting, what if’s and what should be’s that flood my mind. And then I’ll find that moment of quiet and it only causes me to realize that I’ve stopped thinking about it, about her, about Tuesday for a bit, and there is pain in that too.
I feel I come here at my lowest times, and when I say I’m still broken, still a spacey, anxious mess, I feel like I need to back it up with, “but other than that, I’m doing ok” because, really, I am stil finding joy and laughter.
And when I come here and share that joy and laughter, I feel remiss in not saying, “yes, today was good, but Tuesday is still dead and I am still crushed and lots of this is faking it for your sake.”
Today set out to be a faking it day. In attempts to re-enter the land of the living, I signed Piper and myself up for a MOPS group. I was cool until we got out of the car and I watched Piper put on Tuesday’s hospital backpack.
She’s supposed to be here.
They are supposed to be running in together. Piper shouldn’t be nervous to leave my side, because she should have her twin by her side. They are supposed to be together.
Twins are supposed to be together.
So today there was no faking it for me. I’m not that good.
I walked in to a room of strangers, with my tear stained face. A few knew I was “that girl”. But what about the others? I wonder what they thought when they saw me crying in the parking lot, and then again as I dropped off Piper and someone innocently said, “she sure looks familiar, she must have a twin”, and then again when I saw the knowing eyes of my friend. I bet they didn’t assume ‘dead kid.’
Anyway, I made it through. I even made it through the paper work requesting Children’s Names and Ages.
Ouch
(I’ve taken to writing an * next to Tuesady’s name but I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean to any one.)
When I picked up Piper, she told me she cried. I told her I cried too.
She asked if it was because I needed her. I told her, Yes, because I needed you.
“Hey! We both needed each other!”
Piper, not a truer statement has even been said.
You are loved. Keep writing when you need it and we'll keep reading. Lots of prayers for you.
You don't have to fake anything for anyone! I'm so sorry you have to miss your baby. You're right— twins should be together. Wish there were something we could say to make you feel better, but I'm lost. Just know people care and are thinking of you and Piper often.
Oh Jess. Can I hop on a plane and come see you??? I don't think I can see you soon enough!
I'm so so sorry. It's so "normal" to feel like you are feeling. Sadly, I don't think there is ever a time when you won't have that guilt or that sorrow or that absolute hole where TuTu should be…
OMG! If you didn't come on here when you need to vent, then what is the point of this blog? Even if it's private for just you to read, it's so healthy to get it out. Never apologize EVER for feeling loss. And dear God, never feel like you have to sum anything up.
This sucks. More than words. SUCKS.
LOVE you always!
My poor JK. Nobody should ever have to go through this. Especially not someone as amazing as you. My heart just hurts for you. I'm sorry you have to be "that" girl. I'm sorry Piper has to grow up without her twin. You are right. Twins are supposed to be together. And PIper and Tuesday will be for eternity. Hold onto your beliefs. Hold on to an enternity of Tuesday. She will be waiting for you all when its your time to join her.
i think in this space you are allowed to say whatever you want. it should be that way, this is your safe space, i know so many many read, but it is still safe. and when i come here it is in support of your joy and your despair.
i cannot even fathom the pain that comes with taking piper into the world alone…just remember it is okay to put it all down, here there somewhere. it has to come out and when it comes here it gives us, your unseen and sometimes unnamed friends, a chance to reach out with gentle invisible hands and lift you up. even it is just a millimeter. love, always sending love. a
I can't imagine how you feel, and I can't imagine how your children feel, but I do know that all of you continue to have many prayers being said for you daily.
I read your words everytime you post and I it is always hard for me to comment on them. My words of encouragement just don't seem adaquate. All I know for sure is that your sweet girl has changed me as a Mother, that God is with you and that you and your family will always be in my prayers.
Your words never fail Jess. XXXOOO
Jen
Thank heaven for blogs…if it makes your heart even a smidgen lighter to unload here, then we'll be here waiting for you.
Thinking of you every day…
Phew. My heart is hurting for you today. Miss you. Hugs to Piper.
Twins ARE supposed to be together. This sucks! I am so sorry you have to do this. I am so sorry Piper has to do this. Never try to fake it. Come, tell us how you are feeling. And it IS ok to laugh, to smile, to have fun. That is what Tuesday would want! Love you!
Tears never fail to fall when I think of Tuesday and you and piper. I can not understand how two babies can be born together but now, be seperated by a universe… This should not be so.
I think of her very often every day. Yesterday, i put on my Tuesday necklace and cried… The thought that her she is gone is enough to feel that sharp pain in my heart… A little girl I have never known, but will never, ever forget…
Thank you for sharing your love/pain/grief/thoughts. They are treasured and never taken for granted.
Please know that I pray for you and your family often.
Twins are supposed to be together. Mine are not either (for different reasons) and I, too, am "THAT" parent who had something really horrible happen (different horrible, but still horrible) and I hate the looks from people that don't know me well and I'm thankful for those who do, who don't have to say anything to understand. I really really miss having typical twins. I'm thankful for the time that I did. And I know that even though mine are not typical, they will be together forever in some way. I hope.
I was listening to Selah's new CD and I Will Carry You brought you and Tuesday to mind this evening. Still praying for you and yours.
Blessings,
Carolynn
I have no word, but that I'm praying for you.
There is nothing I can say except to let you know that there are MANY people out here that not only think of you missing your daughter but your children missing their sister on a daily basis and hope that y'all are doing okay.
There are so many more "firsts" you and your family will have to go through. I can only imagine they may not get easier. I live in Pueblo, CO and wish I was a bit closer to you. I would love to give you a great big hug. I read your blog often, but am not always great with words of condolences. The closest thing I can up with is a gigantic bear hug. Good luck on your road trip, sounds like it will be a lot of fun as well as great for raising awareness. <3
This blog is your space, and the readers your community. I suspect that there aren't too many places you can be broken, but here you can.
I look at my own daughters, and I hurt for you, for all your kids, but especially Piper.
I can't imagine, and I have to admit that I don't want to, but I am so so sorry.
I apologize if this is out of line, but there is an organization for Twinless Twins that Piper may reach out to for support when she's older. I don't think any of us can quite wrap our heads around what she has lost.
oh, what a precious piper you have. grieving is messy and i thank you for your transparency. no one here will ever encourage you to "get over it"
a place where you are always free to feel.
that's so heart-wrenching.
i think of you often. know that you, and Tuesday, will never ever be forgotten.
Sweetie, your words always clench so strongly to my heart. I sat here staring at the computer screen for a long time with tears and an ache in my soul for you and dear Piper. I don't know. I can only imagine. And I'm sure that doesn't even come close. You and your family are always in my heart. Always in my thoughts. I love you.
Oh, your sweet Piper! She is wise already at not quite three!
I am so sorry that this is so hard. But I give you so much credit for the ways that you keep trying to "re-enter the land of the living." I would like to think that eventually these things will get easier. At least that is one of my prayers for you every day.
xoxo
P.S. You could never say too much here. I think its a good thing that this is one place you can come to unload whatever you are feeling.
Oh the pain…I'm so sorry. I've never lost a child but I remember when my husband died the grief just went on and on. Oh yes, twins should be together. Keep writing. We all love you here.
Praying right now!
Psalms 27:13-14 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
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Jessica, let go of what you think other people are thinking of you. They have no idea. it's hard enough just being a mom judged by other moms.
my motto lately is that i just don't give what anyone thinks not anymore.
little ones are so right in their innocence…. sending you my love and prayers
I agree- you don't have to fake it for us, at all. we read what you write. good or bad. and we understand that there's good moments! we want to hear of those too (even though we know there are still bad) because we want to know that you are in some way, doing a little bit okay.
I'm so glad you wrote….I miss reading your blog even though it is understandable…all your thoughts. I can't say I understand because I don't, I have experienced what you have but I can say that I will listen, even a cyper listen =). You don't have to be fake on your blog. Sweet Piper, she couldn't have said it better, could she? Keep doing what your doing, one step at a time…good for you going to MOPS.
I can't say I understand what you are going thru, but I understand what ya mean about faking it for others, that is the mother in you. You want everyone else to be ok. Well, this is a time where you should only worry about you and just let it be said how it is. If others can't handle it, then they shouldn't ask. You need to be able to express the raw truth. You need to be able to say it how it is, how it really is. Just speak your mind. You might actually find that you give other people the courage they need to be able to say how they truely feel without sensoring it. You deserve to say and feel however you want, your beautiful daughter was taken away from you and it isn't fair. I truely do feel for you and I would never think of you in any bad way for speaking how you truely feel.
As always i have no words to say, my heart hurts, i cant breathe, it just sucks, it is so hard. You are always on my mind, ALWAYS.
Blessings and love from a stranger in VA. You are constantly in my thoughts.
I read often, but comment rarely. I don't know why I don't comment. I'm a pretty talkative person usually. I guess I just feel so connected to your family. Though I'm sure from your side, it wouldn't seem like a connection at all, because once you've experienced a loss like you have I'm sure connections only come instantly to those have been where you are.
Anyway, I have twins. They are just a little older than Tuesday and Piper. 3 years old actually. I was reading along and was doing okay until you said, "Twins should be together."
I lost it. Listening to mine argue and play in the background, my heart broke again for you.
I'm sure it sucks beyond anything I can understand to watch Piper walk into a new situation alone. I'm praying for you all.
The hole in your heart and your lives will always be there. That is as it should be becasue Tuesday was there and no one who knew her will ever forget her. Allow God to encompass you with His arms and love and fill you with the hope that you will be with her again some day. We all ache with you.
There is no right way to be. And that's what's right.
This is your space to be whatever and whomever you need to be.
To be. You're doing a great job, in my opinion.
Come when you are happy,
Come when you are sad,
Come when you are faking,
We will never get mad
Because You Are.
PLEASE >>> Continue to come here Jess, and share. We check your blog way too much, like stalkers, but in such a loving way, just hoping you will share & we will not have to bother you for an update into how you are surviving…I mean living…
Thank you for you blog today that erupted tears, almost immediately.
XOXOXOXOXO
Have a fun & safe & productive trip! We all love you-
HUGS,
mpbpdpnp
I say – good for you and good for showing your brave soul!! Way to get out there. I also say – that you are right – Tuesday SHOULD be with Piper, twins should be together! Sadly, no matter how much we say and think and wish it – and we are all saying and wishing and thinking it – God had other plans! Oh to be able to have that damn magic 8 ball about right now!! I can't say that I know what it would say – but I do know that you are not in this alone and I do know that whenever you need to come to this blog – we are here for you! No apologies, no questions, no faking anything! We are here – and Someone Else is here, too!! Listening!! We love you and we will forever wrap you in hugs as long as you need it!!!
Janice Rolfs
oh – and let us know if you are free for dinner at our place in the next week!! 🙂
Know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers!
Hebrews 6:17-20 Wherein God, willing more abundantly to shew unto the heirs of promise the immutability of his counsel, confirmed it by an oath: That by two immutable things, in which it was impossible for God to lie, we might have a strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold upon the hope set before us: Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil; Whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus, made an high priest for ever after the order of Melchisedec.
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We haven?t forgotten you or Tuesday or the rest of your family. Love and prayers for you all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, too
Beautiful, sweet Piper. She knows just what to say.
Don't ever feel like you need to justify yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do and you always know you have us to lean on when you need it.
Love you beautiful lady.
yes, you are definitely loved and your very real story is in the hearts of so many. prayers and love and peace for you and yours.
This passage is so very comforting! Here praying!
John 14:1-3 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.
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*hugs* You've said all the words I can't add to them as my words sound so small next to yours. Just know that I am here on the sidelines cheering for you, crying with you and praying for you & your family.
God Bless You.
wow….it must be so hard…know that we are here..still thinking about you all…and praying for you….
much love
~colleen
I know. It hurts and you feel as though no one will EVER understand. While I won't understand your pain, I do understand how it feels. Please don't feel guilty or sad for feeling happy. I did that and I think every Mom who's lost a child does it, but I know that our babies would want us to be happy and joyful. Besides, they are perfect. We just miss them terribly. I'm always thinking of you guys.
Keep saying what is in your heart. It helps with the healing. And Piper is very lucky to have you as her mommy!
All I can say is I am sooo sorry.
hugs, melanie
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Isaiah 55:6-7 Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near: Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
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Praying!
Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Prayer Bears
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You feel what you feel. No apologies or faking it ever needed. I know what you mean about thinking you "forgot" about your little one for even a second. You didn't. Just because you have had a few moments of actual joy doesn't mean you have or will ever forget your little sweetie. Never. But it's okay to let yourself be joyful. All your experiences have made up who you are. And that's a good thing.
Take care.
I come here everyday. To catch a glimpse of Tuesday. To see how you are healing. I'm sorry this pain is yours to bear. You are remarkable in the transparency you show to friends, family and complete strangers (me). Your upcoming pilgramage towards healing is both courageous and fantastic. I pray for you often. My heartbreaks everytime I think of Tuesday. When you have moments/days that you don't think on Tuesday please know that so many of us are thinking of her on your behalf.
Praying for peace.
Jessica
I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I am sending love your way!
I don't think you are faking it. I think you are doing what you need to do. . . living your life. I wish so badly that Tuesday were still here, but I can't do anything about that. Neither can you. Meanwhile, Piper and the boys and Charlie need you desperately. You grieve in whatever form is best for you, there's no need to apologize! I think you are a wonderful, incredible woman and I'm glad you have this blog to share your emotions. That will help you immensely.
Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!
Isaiah 43:1-3a But now thus saith the LORD that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour…
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i read your words, and i look at my twins, and my heart just breaks in a million tiny pieces for you. what would my girls do without each other? even when mackenzie just has to go for her surgeries, makayla is lost. i can't even begin to imagine piper's lost-ness. nor yours. keep writing. we'll be here reading. and never, ever apologize. many, many prayers going out for you and yours.
Lifting up prayers right now!
Job 19:25-27 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God: Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.
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When does your road side journey begin?
I know blogging is now a loaded task, but don't think about it so much. Look back at your beginning blogs when you could give a F what anyone thought.
Let your brain talk our ears off. It helps you heal by talking and it helps us heal by feeling we can "be there" for you and Charley. Talk, cry, share, laugh or talk shit. We do not care. Just talk and share those feelings that we all search for, as we also try to heal, all the while missing that beautiful baby girl you had.
Piper will be ok. She has a strong family that will not let this determine her future, or theirs.
Now, GO, enjoy your journey, changing lives along the way.
You are such an inspiration Jess!!
NEVER be afraid to share your happiness, pain, anger, fears, or joy…WE NEED YOU as much as you need us!
XOXOXO mp
I've just found your blog and have read all the entries &will return often.Your raw honesty reveals what a powerful pain flows through your words. Thank you for sharing with us, that we might lift your family in our prayers and hold you within our hearts, and somehow seek to offer our feeble attempts at comforting you. Be real, Jess,there's no time or need for faking it for yourself or for others. We pray for healing in your family. Please know that you are being upheld by those prayers and comforted by The Almighty. Keep writing.
Praying hard right now!
Psalms 116:6-9 The LORD preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the LORD hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
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You and your family are so often in my thoughts. I send love and prayers and hugs and healing.
Know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!
Romans 8:26-28 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
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Sweet Piper. She's just so smart.
Jess I wanted to comment earlier but I just didn't know what to say. Twins should be together and I know that this just isn't fair. Please know that I love you and think of you so very often.
These verses are so comforting. Continuing to pray!!!!!!!!!
Revelation 21:1-4 And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Prayer Bears
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Big, wordless((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))s.
Sarah
This is your blog, and your place to pour out your feelings. I doubt that anyone can blame you for needing this space to unload the myriad of emotions that you go through.
I hope that I am not out of line by saying this but I have twin boys, and although I cannot begin to know your pain, I do know the unique and special relationship between twins. Having twins is not something that you can understand unless you have them. I think (but I cannot speak for all twin mommies) that we tend to see our twins as a pair while still seeing them as unique individuals, and that pair is not complete without both of them.
Again, I hope I am not out of line in saying that, I just wanted to speak as one twin mommy to another. And you always will be a twin mommy.
Always praying for you.
~~Amy~~
Only the Lord can give the strength needed for whatever lies ahead. Praying!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
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I hope that MOPS-and other activities- can bring you some joy and fun and comfort, and Piper too. But if it's not for you or her right now, then it's okay, and don't go just because you think you "should." I wish you were at our MOPS group and my little girl could bring Piper a puzzle like the kids did for her today when she cried at MOPS.
Still praying for you.
Continuing to pray as always!
Psalms 86:1-3 Bow down thine ear, O LORD, hear me: for I am poor and needy. Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee. Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily.
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I hope one day, when the loss of Tuesday begins to hurt in a different and less agonizing way, you'll put your thoughts on paper and publish a book. Your mind needs to be heard. For all the other suffering parents out there who don't know what to expect, who don't understand why it isn't getting better, who don't know why it's not hurting less but only different. A book for Tuesday.
Know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers!
Psalm 32:6-8 For this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found : surely in the floods of great waters they shall not come nigh unto him. Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah. I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go : I will guide thee with mine eye.
Prayer Bears
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Hi Jess,
I think your journey is awful.
I think your writing is amazing.
I think of you often and wish you…well? the best?
Whatever you wish, I'll let you fill that in.
What you are enduring is every mother's fear and I am sorry you have to go through it. It sucks. sucks sucks sucks.
Sara
Just wanted to come by and tell you I am thinking of you & your family. Praying for a wonderful trip with lots of bonding and amazing adventures and praying you all will feel Tuesday with you every step of the way. *Hugs*
Tamara
Stopping by to let you know I'm still here praying!
Psalms 16:7-8 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
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I found this achingly beautiful poem that I thought you might like too. Thank you for sharing Tuesday with the rest of us….
"I Couldn't Stay Long"
"You planted me, Lord
In the womb of my mother
and let me know love
unlike that of another.
I couldn't stay long,
but I'll never forget
the way mom and dad
took care of me yet.
Please trust the Lord
and soon you will see,
to some that's a lifetime
that will never be.
God must have loved us
an awful lot
to let our souls touch
though our arms could not.
I have to go now,
But please know I'm okay.
Remember I love you
and I'll see you one day."
– Sue Lueck Carlson
Praying!
Psalms 50:15 And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me.
Prayer Bears
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I know that you are leaving this week. Can you share before you go?
I am missing your voice Jess!
I love you, more than you know…
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Psalms 34:4-7 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.
Prayer Bears
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I think your MOPS group will be very healing for you. I joined one a few years ago and it was a wonderful experience. MOPS moms take care of each other. If you let them know what's up, they'll help you get through this. Lots of baby announcements though.
I’ve been going through a lot and its all so confusing and depressing. Ive been a twinless twin scince birth, and I feel I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I hve no 1 to turn to because no1 understands me. I am constantly judged on being ” desperate and clingy”. I just need some inner support and understanding. Thanks for sharing on your blog. I feel that exact same way all the time. I will pray 4 you