Almost 9 years ago, my world began to be measured by weeks and months.
I’m 10 weeks pregnant. I’m 38 weeks pregnant. He’s 4 weeks old. He’s 22 months. They’re 6 weeks. Maybe parents measure time in this way because every week feels like an accomplishment of some sort. Every month another milestone met. Sometimes it goes too far. We’ve all heard it, “She’s 47 months”. Huh? At some point it’s ok to say “He’s 3,” or “She’s 5.” Every week no longer feels the need to be noted. I’m not there yet.
I’ve made it 3 months. Tuesday died 13 weeks ago. Every day feels like an accomplishment of some sort. Another milestone met.
I’ve made it through my first trimester. That’s always been a good feeling, especially since I didn’t make it through on two separate occasions, however, this particular kind of first trimester comes with no joy or relief. Only pain. It sucks. It’s the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Last night I thought I’d die of a broken heart. I was watching old video clips, like this one.
and this one
She was so healthy. So perfect. What happened? How in the hell does a baby get cancer? I’m sure you’ve wondered the same. But it wouldn’t ever happen to your child, right? After all, your kids are really healthy. (So was Tuesday) Your kids were breastfed. (So was Tuesday) You feed them healthy food, organic food. (Me too) You didn’t expose them to any harsh chemicals in or around your house. Not even sun screen or bug spray. (Yep) You were extra careful and during your pregnancies. (Yeah, me too)
Cancer runs in families but not YOUR family. (Ours either)
Whatever.
It makes no sense.
I’m sure that in another 13 weeks, or 47 months, or 47 years, it will still not make sense. Some day it will be my time and then it will make sense.
But not today. Not day 92.
10 yrs have gone by. 10. Last night I dreamed of him. He was talking to me. (He died as a 4 week old baby). Then I woke up and remembered he is still gone. 10 years and I still ache. I think at 2 yrs I stopped counted the months. By 5 years I had 2 more children and at 10 years I have 4. I still miss him. I still worry obsessively over my children.
But in between those incredibly horrible bouts of grief, are great times. My marriage. The birth of my subsequent children. Their first breaths, words, steps. I have somehow learned to focus on those.
But sometimes. It just eats me alive and I just want him. : (
Your words are beautifully accurate.
Jenna
Beautiful, JK. The videos were lovely, I know the boys and I will watch them a million times in the next few days. xoxo
Why has to be the hardest word in the english language. Why Tuesday? Why you and your family? Why when she was so perfect? Why does evil live when sheer joy, beauty and light like Tuesday is gone? Why don’t we have the answers? I can’t answer the why but I can say that what you do have are my thoughts, prayers, sympathy… mine and some many others. Though they can never even come close to taking your loss away maybe from time to time they can be a salve. And though we are strangers in life, you have my sisterhood.
it’s weird the way we mark milestones….even sad ones….but we all do it…..
i pray with each passing day, you find some peace…..it will never make sense…at least not in this lifetime…..
seeing your baby girls made my heartbreak all over again for you….and for piper…and everyone that knew tuesday…..someday….you’ll hold her again….and she’ll dance with her brothers and sister again….hold on for someday.
peace..
Oh sweetie, wish that I could wash away the pain as John the Baptist “washed” away sins for our Heavenly Father….There are no words, there is no comfort, except one word “faith”…that is your “lifesaver” your “buoy” I cannot even begin to imagine the pain, lost a chlld when I was 4 months pregnant, thought I knew that child….not the way you knew Tuesday…not the total smell, sweetness, and ok “yucky” diapers…but Moms are meant to be moms….so, again, I really don’t know how you feel, but as a mom…the heart hurts…but, together, with all your family and “blog” family…you will be okay…We will stand by and with you through this time….prayers, love and pink balloons…always
It is so unfair. One of my twins also suffered a tragedy, not by cancer, but by choking, and she is severely brain damaged and disabled. She is alive now and I am thankful, but I have lost the healthy, bright person she used to be. It pains me to look at the “before” so much, especially with a twin to show me exactly what she “should” be doing right now. I don’t know that it will ever go away. My heart just aches for you.
I’m so glad that you have so many wonderful memories to look back on.
Isn’t it always the way though, ‘they’ tell you not to smoke, not to eat fried food, not to do this, that and the other. ‘They’ tell you what you should do, eat and be near. Yet so many people who do all of the right things still have bad things happen. It’s just not fair.
((( Jessica ))) It doesn’t really change, the marking of time in that way. It is just that one day you realize that it has been longer than it feels and you marvel as you say, my god, it has been a year, two, or ten. You never stop feeling it, you just get used to it, I suppose. This year is will be 10 for us, and it is like yesterday and an age ago all wrapped into one. I wish we would get answers to “why”… Sending a hug to you and your family. Corinne
My heart breaks a little for you every time I come here, but I want to continue to come to show you that even those you don’t know are touched by Tuesday and your family. That her life means something to us. Thanks for sharing those precious videos.
Your life will never be “normal” again, but you will find a new “normal”. Eventually.
My heart breaks for you and for anonymous commenter number one, (whose comment was the only one I could handle reading).
I’m sorry.
Cancer is awful and I will never understand it. I will never understand why babies die.
I can not imagine what you are feeling, yet my heart aches at the thought of what you have endured. Tuesday as well as all your other children are beautiful.
I’m bawling my eyes out after watching those videos, especially the very end, where Tuesday looks right at you and says bye bye. Oh man, I’m aching from crying so hard. And I didn’t even know her. I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through.
I’m 7 1/2 years down my journey and it still doesn’t make sense to me (SIDS – we did everything “right” too), and I still sometimes have to break down and scream and cry, or spend a whole day looking at her pictures and watching videos.
For the most part, I don’t feel so raw anymore though. No big gaping wounds, getting infected and bleeding everywhere. Very obvious scars, and they’re still tender. But no gaping wounds. not for the most part. I don’t actually want the pain to go away entirely. It keeps me connected to her. I feel if I stopped hurting, I’d be losing something – like cutting myself off from her. I am healed enough to function and even thrive, so I’ll happily embrace the pain and the scars now. Does that make sense?
You’re in my prayers. Thank you for sharing those videos. It was very touching to share in those happy, perfect moments with you all.
i think you are right. there is no sense. a little part of me has been breathless since you lost tuesday to cancer. breathless because i know better than to think it just would not happen to me. to us. it is part of the reason i stopped working in peds.
i thought of you today while listening to talking heads. it seems that is our bond, the music. and i have more for you. it seems like the best thing i have to offer at this time. i wish i could offer something more.
sending love. and some tears today for her and for you.
I am so sorry. I know it doesn’t make it better. I worry about you so much, I can’t stand that you are having to go through this. I can’t imagine losing a child but especially 1 of 2. They are supposed to be together for life. A least that’s what I like to think. I also have twin daughters and I can’t imagine. You are handling it great. I can only imagine how bad it hurts but you (and your husband) are amazing. Amazing parents, amazing survivors, amazing people. I pray for you, I cry with you, and I will always keep you and the family in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for great strength. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
Jess
My cousin lost one of her 4 month old twin baby boys on April 16th. He spit-up and aspirated on it in his sleep.
My heart just aches for all the mommies who have lost their precious little ones.
Thank you for sharing the videos and for letting us all share a part of your grief.
You are in my prayers.
hugs. I am so sorry. No one should ever have to go through this.
What wonderful memories of such a sweet precious girl.
I cried so hard when I read this post and when I watched the videos. Thank you so much for sharing them. I have so many video clips of my twin girls that are almost identical. My girls were born a few weeks after Tuesday & Piper. Since I "met" you and your amazing family I think of things is a completely different light. Before I "met" Tuesday I stressed about the little things. No I look at my girls and try not to think about how I would manage in your situation. You are so strong yet so vulnerable and so real. I wish I could reach right through the computer and hug you…cry with you. I can't imagine it will ever get an easier. But I pray for you and your family that you will keep memories of Tuesday fresh in your hearts and feel the joy that she has given not only to you but to many of us across the world every time second you think of her. I also wanted you to know that I wear my "Tuesday" pendant almost daily – as a reminder to cherish each second of my life with my daughters. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts, feelings and memories with us – you and Tuesday have touched me in ways I never knew were possible. Hugs….
i only knew tuesday through your blog and i still miss her, so i can only imagine how you feel…..
praying for all of you….
If I were you (and brilliant)…
I would have typed the same post.
If I were you…
I would have blogged and worried about the same things.
And
If I were you I want to hear the following truth:
It’s not your fault.
There was nothing you could have done.
It was not fair.
It will never be.
If it’s Ok with you, I will be praying for you.
I found out about Tuesday’s story only about a week before she died because of my boyfriend’s mom. I cried the day I saw her post saying what happened. I prayed for your family the next day at the two churches my grandfather preaches at. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about your daughter.
My aunt had to have an induced labor about 2 years ago because her baby wasn’t going to survive the full pregnancy. She gave birth very early in the pregnancy, and her son only lived a few hours. It was devastating for our family. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and your family having lost a child after having her in your lives for so long. Please know that you are always in my prayers.
Jessica…
I have gone through all of those questions and thoughts myself. I find myself looking at pictures from just 8 months ago… pre-brain cancer. Mikey looked so healthy, Mikey was so healthy. How did any of this happen? I believe Mikey will make it through… and I believe Tuesday is up in heaven cheering him on.
This first trimester you have gone through is 3 months of hell no parent should ever have to go through. You are strong and your Tuesday is up there hugging you through this.
Thoughts, prayers and love to you…
Still parying for you. For your strength. Every night.
Wow! I knew you had so much love in your family — but it really rings true to me in that first video.
Jess, you are so fun and an amazing Momma and your kiddos are so lucky to have you. God bless. It looks like you never took one minute for granted. We should all live that way.
God bless,
The really BIG question I have for the Lord is, ‘WHY! Why any child? Why a single child? Why a healthy child in a a developed nation and why a malnourished child in Ethiopa?’ Why doesn’t He answer their parents’ pleading for mercy for their child? I know all of the trite, well-rehearsed theological answers, but for me they are not enough. One day I know that I will get an answer. Psalm 116 says, “Pecious in His eyes, are the death of His saints” and I would add, “especially the little saints.” He must have a good reason.
Oh Jessica, I cant even begin to imagine how bad the pain feels. All I know, is that I am so SORRY that you are having to experience the loss of your child. The way that you put your thoughts on paper really is heartfelt. Even though I dont know you personally, I wish with all that I am that I could take away the pain and the void that you and every other parent that has lost a child has gone through. These are the moments in life that I just dont understand why they have to happen. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I love you. God bless you.
~Sarah~
You are doing so well. I know that must sound weird, but you are and I admire your strength. You are right. None of us are safe. And, I will draw knowledge and wisdom from your life and the eloquent way in which you write about it. You’re helping us all…..by writing…..please keep going and know you are loved.
-from your never-met friend who used to live in Brighton and is moving to Kansas City tomorrow. I’ll be praying for you from the Midwest!
Jess,
I am crying. Sitting here crying. My heart just breaks for you.
I don’t know how the hell you will ever not hurt. How you will ever take a breath and not think of Tuesday.
It sucks. It makes NO sense.
I know we have guessed all the whys and yet nothing makes any sense and I am so sad and so sorry and so heartbroken for your whole family.
I love you Jess and think of you all the time and had my whole family praying for you.
Please continue to speak so loudly that everyone hears you. Your voice is the voice for every mommy that has every lost and for every mommy who might one day.
LOVE YOU JESS!
Absolutely beautiful. My kids keep asking for, and trying to navigate themselves to “clap and dance”. I can’t understand it either but thank you for sharing all of it.
Those are the sweetest videos, but I am so sorry it is breaking your heart all over again to watch them.
This was beautifully written, I love the analogy of trimesters. I’m glad you are looking at each day as an accomplishment, because it is! Keep taking it one step at a time. You are so loved.
xoxo
Shannon
Aww, man. What sweet memories. How bittersweet they are now. I am so sorry. I can do nothing but pray for God to comfort you all.
I just watched your videos again and had to comment on how precious it is that Piper wants to sit back down and so she maneuvers back to Tuesday. A source of comfort.
I know you’re working extra hard to be that comfort for her and more right now. Hang in there. Ask for help. Scream and cry when you need to. You are loved.
Wow. Those videos are incredibly precious, joyful and crazy heartbreaking all at the same time. You are amazing to share yourself and more of her with us….those you do not know but we feel that we know a piece of you. Thank you.
You do have an incredible voice reminding us all how fragile life is.
You are often in my prayers….and my heart is moved by your story…
and that Tuesday face. She is an angel. Just beautiful.
Always here praying!
Philippians 4:6-7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Prayer BearsMy email address
I cry for her and for you all the time. Just the other day, I was feeding my daughter thinking about one of your posts and I started crying… I try to put myself in your shoes and when I try them on, the pain overwhelmes me… I wish I could take your pain away. I wish there was something I can do to make you not hurt or to make you breath when you don’t think you can take another breath…
You are in my thoughts every single day. I think of Tuesday all the time. You and Tuesday have had such an impact on me. I am not exagerating or being dramatic when I say that Tuesday has changed my life. I can NOT take my children for granted knowing that Tuesday is not here… I can’t help but love them like crazy because if Tuesday had to go, so could they… Tuesday has changed the world in her short life. She has changed the way SO MANY people “see” and “be” in this world.
Thank you Tuesday…
Can’t tell you how often, on the plane, driving
down the road, in my dreams . . .
I have the thought that it can’t be true.
She can’t really be gone.
Should be well past the denial stage.
But . .
Jess, there is not a day that goes by that we do not think of Tuesday, and for that fact all the kids and you and Charley. I have asked the “Why” question every day and I cry everyday.
I am so grateful that you have all these videos of the kids and are kind enough to share them with all of us.I am also so grateful that you have such a wonderful group of people around you and that talk to you at home and through your blog. You were blessed with four beautiful children and one that has touched the world. I am sure that God has the answer for the “Why”for you and Charley and will revel it to you in his own time and when you are once again reunited with Tuesday. In the meantime I hope you will find peace and solace in the fact that you are a wonderful mother and we love you very much. Keep writing and showing pictures of the kids. We love seeing all of the children.
Stay strong.
Love,
Aunt SUSU and Uncle Jim
My heart breaks for you and especially for little Piper. It’s so unfair that she has to grow up without her twin…
Your children are so gorgeous. I am so sorry Tuesday left you way too soon. I don’t believe, “time heals all wounds,” but hopefully it will help.
personally, i don’t believe there is a ‘why’… even if there were, it still wouldn’t make sense. how could it?
in my son’s situation, there is a why, of sorts… he inherited a mutated gene from each of his parents. simple, huh? very clear, very scientific. but man, assigning some sort of bigger meaning or ‘reason’ is a tough one. but i know everyone is different, so i hope you don’t think i am telling you how to feel.
My heart still breaks for you,I wish i could be there to give you a great big hug, and be a shoulder to cry on. I still cannot imagine the pain you go through everday. Sending Virtual hugs to you and your family.
No words! Just (((hugs)))! Love ya!
Jess, I could never imagine the pain. It’s a pain that every parent does not want to imagine.
Little Tuesday is on my mind everyday. She put everything in perspective for me personnally.
I wish you didn’t have to count the weeks and months to this. Not this. It will never make sense to me … but maybe, in the end, it will.
Love you!
JK – You did everything right, and you can KNOW that this is not the result of anything you did or didn’t do. The why’s are beyond my comprehension, but I know that there are answers and I know that one day you will know what they are. Until then, cling to those memories…celebrate the success of making it through one more day, one more week, one more month. You deserve that…it is a huge accomplishment. And know that there are still prayers for peace for you and your family going up from all over this country and the world.
xo
Erin
I’m speechless.
I ache FOR you!
I have to say, that I have had thoughts of, “if JK’s child got cancer, then what would prevent mine from getting cancer. She is a much better mother than I am…”
Hard thoughts, but I couldn’t find a more perfect family… and in perfect families, kids don’t get cancer.
I think you are an amazing woman and You will continue to be amazing. Each day brings a new start… you may always carry the pain, but you will gain a new perspective.
hugs to you!
I’m speechless.
I ache FOR you!
I have to say, that I have had thoughts of, “if JK’s child got cancer, then what would prevent mine from getting cancer. She is a much better mother than I am…”
Hard thoughts, but I couldn’t find a more perfect family… and in perfect families, kids don’t get cancer.
I think you are an amazing woman and You will continue to be amazing. Each day brings a new start… you may always carry the pain, but you will gain a new perspective.
hugs to you!
Oh sweet Jessica, it is so utterly unfair. No mother should have to go through this pain, it seems so utterly unbearable! I wish with all my heart that I could change this path that you are on. That you could wake up tomorrow and find both girls curled next to you in bed. I don’t know how you cope with a loss so deep. I pray every single day that God comforts your spirit.
Blessings.
BlogBaby
This was one of the most heartfelt posts I’ve read in a few months. It’s beautifully honest, even though I can feel your sorrow. I don’t know what I would do if one of my children died. I can only hope that I would be as strong as you. Hugs.
I understand this all too well. My Dustin would have been 15 in just a month. Each child has their own piece of your heart. It gets easier to handle , but it never makes sense. Somedays will be hard until you are reunited with your family as a whole in heaven. My heart breaks for you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
It makes absolutely no sense. No sense! Someties you do all the right things and horrible things still happen.I have no idea why. I guess one day we will know. When its our turn. I need to take more video of my kids….
It makes absolutely no sense. No sense! Someties you do all the right things and horrible things still happen.I have no idea why. I guess one day we will know. When its our turn. I need to take more video of my kids….
Words escape me. Because of Tuesday I look at my baby (who is 15 months now) and I caress his curls and I can’t help but think of Tuesday and how she was called to Heaven so early. I really do cherish my children so much more because of her.
I am praying for you. I wish I could find the right words to say.
I am so sorry. She is so beautiful. It is not okay! ((HUGS))
I’ve written and erased this comment five times so far. My words seem so worthless considering your pain.
Instead of trying to form some semblance of a reply, I’ll just say that I’m so sorry. Your posts make me hold my 18-month-old daughter tighter, for we never know how long we have left.
Here’s a big ol’ redneck hug from Paducah, Kentucky to you! HUGGGGGGGGGG!
truer words have not been spoken….and i don’t get it. no t sure i ever will. gotta be honest.
Jess,
I am praying for you. I will always be praying for you. Hugs.
Brandi
I don’t think it will ever make sense or be fair or be okay.
She was so perfect.
tears for your words, jessica. thanks for sharing so much of yourself with perfect strangers.
I also realized when I read your whole blog the other night that you were in the PICU with Tuesday when I was there with Cici after her accident. In early November (for us Oct 29 through Nov 10 or so). Same PICU at TCH. We probably saw each other, but through a blur as I don’t remember much from that time. I’m so sad I didn’t meet you then, and meet Tuesday as well, I think I would have been a better person if I had.
My heart breaks for you. I don’t know what else to say. I cannot even imagine that pain and emptiness you feel. It doesn’t make sense, and It does suck that it happened to your family.
Those videos are beautiful, although painful, and I want to thanks you for sharing them. hugs to you.
Know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!!!!!
Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
Prayer BearsMy email address
Praying for you Jess. Thanks for posting the video’s. I loved watching her play, so beautiful and healthy. I’ll rewatch that video over and over.
ang
I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you every time I read a post. Thinking of you and your family.
Praying and thinking about you guys. Sending lots of love your way.
Cancer is in my family.
I feed my children crap.
I spray down countertops with lysol and then let them use the towel to scrub it in.
So why your baby? Why not mine? I don’t get it either. I read posts like this and I find myself praying vigorously. Please God…don’t let it be mine. Please please please. I feel my heart crumbling just THINKING about the pain you must be enduring. More than anything I don’t want to actually feel it.
I’m so sorry. I feel helpless reading your words and I desperately want to give you your baby girl back. I’m so so sorry.
As usual, I dont know what so say except to send my love. And to let you know that you are in my families prayers.
Thank you for sharing those videos…beautiful.
Thank you for sharing Tuesday with us. The videos are precious. Of course I cried and can’t seem to keep a dry eye when I think about her or you and your family. I would give every dollar I had if it would bring her and so many other little angels back. I know they are in a better place than we are and like another blog I have been following said… they just beat us to the finish line. You will continue to stay in my prayers.
Bless you!
Yeap honey i do understand, im 2 years 3 months and 18 day, and im really fine, yes i think i am.
You and your family are in my prayers every day. I am another person you don’t know, but I can’t stay away from your blog. Thank you for sharing.
I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding for you.
Gail
Sending you prayers of peace and strength and knowing really,in the end, there is nothing I could ever do or ever say to help.This cancer thing,yeah,I will be talking to the Big Guy one day and then,maybe then, I will understand.Until then,I walk this road with Zoey and all the courageous children that surround her and the beauty of the angels that hover above her and we move forward.Love to you sweet Jessica.
I enjoyed watching the videos. Thank you for sharing your honest words.
My heart goes out to you. Here’s a big virtual hug from me.
Oh Jess, my heart breaks for you, still. Love and light girl.
I’m right there with you!!!! This sucks!!!! Thinking of you and your sweet Tuesday!!!
Thank you for sharing your family with us, complete strangers who read about you every day and pray for you every night.
This is the first time I’ve ever left a comment, but I’ve been following since just before Tuesday died and I want you to know I hold you in prayer daily and sob almost every time you post. You see I have a little girl about that age and every time I see or think of Tuesday I can’t help but think of my own precious gift. And because of stories like your own I hold her closer and more tightly every single chance I get. Thanks for being so honest, even though it’s so hard.
Oh, Jess. Those videos were so beautiful. I’ll probably come back several more times in the next couple of days just so I can watch them again and again. Seeing Tuesday so full of life is a reminder to me to celebrate the good things in life. At the same time, I’m so full of agony as I think about the why’s surrouding Tuesday’s life and death, but you and she have brought so much to so many people. You and she are so much bigger than you’ll ever realize.
Like a previous poster said, you are doing so well. I know you don’t feel like it, but you are amazingly wise in your words and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey with us all. I’m blessed to know you.
I’m wearing my Tuesday pendant and thinking about the Whitts all the time. Love you so much.
Kristy Grigsby
Nothing makes sense anymore…
“my kids never get sick”
“She has a really strong immune system, I nursed her till she was three”
“She’s never been an an antibiotic”
None of it matters.
Love to you.
I think I’ve watched these videos 5 times already. Always thinking about you and always getting pissed off because it doesn’t make sense.
you are dear to my heart jessica kate. prayers prayers and more prayers your way. not a single day has passed when i have not lifted you up to the father since i stumbled upon this blog several months ago.
you are heavy on my heart and i thank God for your honesty and for allowing me to bear just the smallest fraction of pain on your behalf.
you are loved and you are an amazing beautiful treasured mother.
i want to be like you.
Precious babies. Beautiful pictures. Unforgettable memories. Prayers as always. We’ll party on – for Tuesday.
JK – Thanks for sharing. I loved seeing the peeps, so beautiful. I wish there was something I can do or say, but I feel so inadequate. If you ever need me, I’m here.
love you,
lisa
I’ve watched the videos over and over for the last 4 days. Honestly, I can’t put my words together and my heart just aches. It’s not fair. How can we do everything right to protect our babies and this still happens???? It doesn’t make sense. I just want to reach thru the computer and sweep up Tuesday and Piper and give them the biggest hug and smooch. I love you guys. So very much.
Thank you for sharing such beautiful videos with us. Sending you lots of love, hugs & prayers.
Been reading the blog for awhile…since, well – before.
I don’t know what to say and I never do – but I just had to say something, anything – forgive me if it’s not the perfect thing.
I don’t know you, your family, and didn’t know Tuesday – but I think of her all the time.
And I’m so sorry…
So very, very sorry…
Just wanted you to know that even those of us who didn’t know Tuesday personally, are still touched so much by her life.
Never forgotten
Sending love and hugs to you through the tears… Thank you for being the radiant mother that you are in those videos… it inspires me to be an even better one. I’m just so sorry for the terrible hole that cancer has left in your lives by taking Tuesday. It is the suckiest of all sucky things.
Just sending love,
Jan
i do not know you.
but i love you. you are in my thoughts this mother’s day.
and tuesday will be in my thoughts for a long, long while.
I have just read your blog. My cousin was talking about Tuesday on her blog. I cried. I thought it was beautiful.
When I was a freshman in high school, my cousin Nick was born. Four months later my nephew Aaron was born. Right before Aaron was born Nick was diagnosed with cancer. It seemed unimaginable that a baby could have cancer. They figured he was born with it. How could that happen. 22 months after he was born Nick lost his fight with cancer. 22 months of treatments. There was no time for him to just be happy and pain free. A year and a half later, we lost Aaron to a drowning accident.
It has been 20 years and we still cry for them. However, we are also able to remember and laugh. We still don’t understand how our family could loose not 1 but 2 babies, but we feel blessed for what they have given us.
Know that you are not alone. I have never written on a site like this before, I just wanted you to know we understand.
Liane Grussing
Minnesota
It was nothing you did, honey. I wish I could say ‘it was this’ or ‘that’, because then I think every parent in the world would be certain to not do whatever it was that would cause it. Unfortunately, there is no rhyme or reason, it just happens, and it flat out sucks. Tuesday was a beautiful beautiful girl born to a beautiful family and I, too, am angry and sad and suffer because she is gone. I think of you every day, I think of her every day.
I am afraid to watch the videos and ache anymore than I already do.
64 years later and I still think of my siblings daily, the pain isn't as intense but the sense of loss of a big part of my life is still very much a daily thought. I have never lost a child but I watched my poor mother, she had six and buried four of them. I saw her change and never be the same as she was before the accident. Her belief in God and her faith got her through and I am sure your faith in Him will help you too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Life is full of surprises. Some of them fun & great and some of them sad & devastating. I hope that you have had your life's worth of the negative surprises and only have good ones from now on.
A friend once told me about judi's house in denver. Don't know much about it other than it supports children from 3-17 (& others?) with the loss of a loved one….
I'm so sad for you…such a beautiful little girl..both are beautiful girls.