I see why people run away from home. For the last two days, I kind of did.
1 friend, but mostly just a city of strangers.
I was just a girl at the bar enjoying the band. Someone on the dance floor, some lady by the pool in jeans, asleep with her book. Oddly, I was even called a few names but they didn’t imply cancer or death. (What? You crazy Texans have never see straight girls with short hair before?) People didn’t have pity in their eyes. No one stared awkwardly or pretended they didn’t recognize me.
I soaked up the warmth.
I soaked up the music.
The sounds of a busy city.
The smell of green.
Of humidity.
Of the river.
I slept in late. I slept in the middle of the day. I danced till after 2:00. Walked around on busy, misty streets in the dark. I laughed and laughed and laughed. It felt good to be her. She reminded me of me.
I sat at the pool under overcast skies, just watching the river and the river boat guide wash the windows on his boat. It was the first peaceful hours I’ve spent alone since Tuesday was diagnosed. It felt good to be alone but what I noticed most was that I wasn’t alone. It’s like I could feel Tuesday and The Prince of Peace, hands on my knees and patting my back, and I knew everything was going to be ok. I realize it sounds a bit like crazy talk, but I felt it.
And now, back to reality. And nothing says reality like some 20 inches of snow in April.
But anyway, I know it’s going to be okay.
I’m glad you’ve found some peace, some “okay-ness”
It doesn’t sound crazy to me at all, it sounds…good.
It IS going to be okay…
Blessed are those find peace in the midst of tragic circumstances. Hang in there and know that God is always by your side. Many hugs.
God Bless time to yourself….
And feeling Tuesday all around. Not crazy even one little bit. It’s amazing.
I’m so glad you got to have some time to yourself! You deserve it more than anyone I know!
It sure sounds like this is just what you needed to catch your breath. I am glad you found yourself and realized that it IS going to be okay. Still praying for you here in Ca.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
Oh Jess. This is the farthest thing from crazy talk….
I am so glad you escaped for a bit and got to feel alive again and even happier to hear you felt TuTu and the Lord both with you and found comfort in that.
LOVE you Jess!
Debi
ps We finally got that crazy woman to agree, so we are officially moving!
I am glad… you have so many people, still, who think of you daily. You give Tuesday alot to be proud of. (hugs)
It sounds like a great trip. Now it’s “back to reality,” and I hope it is easier for you now. I don’t think it is crazy talk either, I’ve had a similar experience. . . bottom line is you are not alone!! đŸ™‚
here’s to more and more days like those…..
glad you were able to enjoy them…
Can I say I’m proud of you although I don’t know you? You’re taking good steps in taking care of yourself. As Moms, we don’t often think of doing such. But, a content mother is good for everyone. I applaud your strength and you’re an inspiration to me.
-Your friend in Brighton…..who only got an inch or two of snow….far different from when we lived in Castle Rock near your neck of the woods!
I love your writing. I’m so glad that you had such a great time with your awesome self! Austin is a great place to feel all those things. I loved spending time with you, let’s do it again. Love to you, Charlene
Jess,
I am so glad that you had a little while to enjoy some quiet time with just yourself. I am also glad that you know it will beokay again one day. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but with God by your side and Tuesday as your angel you will be okay! Hugs darlin!
Yes, it will be okay…never the same…but you’re right, His hand is on you and I pray for many many many more moments where you feel Tutu right next to you and His peace over you no matter what!
Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (”This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)
Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
I am so glad you got some time away to find you, to be you, to breathe again. And I am so glad you felt the presence of Tuesday and God your time! What precious good news for my soul and I am sure yours as well…
Tuesday is always there….
I'm glad you felt it this week!
In Alabama, we have been praying for Peace for you…
Have a wonderful week~
?,Lilly
You are inspiring.
Sounds like a very healing trip you just took! I’m so glad for you that you got a chance to get away and remember what its like to feel peaceful.
Still thinking of you every day.
xoxo
Praying for you and the family. So glad that you were able to get away and “see” yourself again.
Angels continue to surround you on all sides, friend.
xo.
So glad you had time for you! It really is good for the soul!
good for you!
It sounds like a very nice break from reality. You are in my thoughts and prayers so much. BOO to the snow, go away already! Much love.
When your hut is on fire…
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, ‘God! How could you do this to me?’
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! ‘How did you know I was here?’ asked the weary man of his rescuers. ‘We saw your smoke signal,’ they replied.
The Moral of This Story:
It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering.
Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. ?It just a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
Like you said…” Everything’s gonna be alright.”
We love you,
Aunt SuSu and Uncle Jim
Once when I was going through something traumatic (cancer of the placenta and subsequent miscarriage) I remember longing so much for people to look at me in a normal way – no pity, just normal. Eventually they did and then it felt like I was the only one who remembered and cared about the little life that was cut so short. 24 years later I probably am the only one. No, – me and Jesus, and that is enough.
I don’t know if things ever get back to normal. I think you gradually develop a different version of ‘normal’.
I am so happy you found some peace. It absolutely will be okay. And this post was so beautiful! Nothing about your words were crazy, they were healing and hopeful! Tuesday is with you, always. God Bless.
Truly wonderful Jess.
And it isn’t crazy at all.
Is there anyone better at capturing bitter-sweet
than Jess?
I am so glad you were able to glimpses of “you”! Glad you were able to have a good time! Everything will be OK! Love you!
It will, slowly but surely… I think, I hope.
I am so happy to hear that you were able to get away for a bit. I think about you very often and pray for you every single day. It comforts me to know you were able to experience some peace.
The post title put Sara Grove’s song “It’s gonna be alright” in my head.
Every time I hear that song, I think of you. (which is often, since I’m a little obsessed with Sara’s music) đŸ™‚
I’m so glad you had this time, and this feeling of peace. So glad.
sounds a bit like austin?
i’m with rita… bob marley popped into my mind, too.
so i’m a little sad that i’m not the only one that’s been mistaken for a lesbian in texas!
sometimes a little reprieve can be healing.
enjoy the snow. yikes!
The theraputic qualities of just being a girl are a force to be tapped into when we find ourselves in need. Even those of us who haven’t suffered like you, find them moving. And crazy is so far from you. Nearer to the truth in life are those who have suffered a loss like yours. In that I’m sure that there is comfort in the pain.
Wow…Amen.
Thank you so much. Through your feelings expressed here, I draw comfort..through your faith and your strength. Glad you had a nice vacation and found your way back to you even if but for a moment. LOL about the haircut comment đŸ™‚
glad you were alone and not alone all at the same time.
you are going to be alright. i knew i was thinking about you for a reason. hugs.
By His grace He will make it ok…we will miss them forever in this life!! But we have hope, and when there is hope we can live and move and keep walking towards that hope…where your Tuesday is and my Joel. May the Lord continue to give you the hope and bless you with His presence and peace.
Cindy
I am so happy that you were able to enjoy yourself, relax and get away for a bit.
I hope that life continues to go well for you and that you continue to be blessed in all ways. I also hope that you truly know how much you touch the lives of others. I know htat I don’t personally know you but by reading your blog I feel like you are a part of my life, a friend, someone who truly inspires me and someone whom I laugh and cry with. Thank you for all that you have helped me to learn, for the ways that you have helped me to grow and for all of the inspiration that you have given me. I hope one day to meet you, give you a huge hug and to sit and chat while we share some great coffee.
Not crazy talk at all. Makes perfect sense to me, every word.
20 inches of snow, the surprise in the basement, music, the “comments” by unknowns, the peacefulness watching the window washer, and the laughing,laughing,laughing… All these things brought on by Tuesday, letting you live life and ENJOY all the blessings that you still have.
Tuesday WAS there with you! So happy to see her mom living life, enjoying life, feeling like Jessica again.
I know that in time, with Tuesday’s strength behind you, that you will be ok. Even better than ok.
It will be good again, happy, calm, joyous, and right.
I love you. I love your strength. Strength that you are not sure that you even have…but you DO…Tuesday has given it to you.
We all feel it. Thanks Tuesday.
xoxo!
I’m glad you saw a little glimpse of YOU again. She’s pretty special, that YOU.
Still praying.
BlogBaby
Not crazy one bit, Jess. You needed to feel all those feelings again even if it was for a short while. It helps build your strength to face reality again. I love you! And I love hearing from you :o)
Your blog today really gives me hope. My brother died last Sunday and I am broken. I have been following your blog for awhile and it is so comforting to know that somehow even if the pain doesn’t get better at least you can distract yourself and enjoy yourself…
Glad you had such a good time!
Continuing to lift up prayers!
Psalms 119:49-50 Remember the word unto thy servant, upon which thou hast caused me to hope. This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.
Prayer BearsMy email address
Everything’s gonna be alright.
Mwah.
Three Little Birds.
Every little things is gonna be alright.
Take care, glad you had a peaceful day. Hope you have many, many more. Love from ND.
You deserve it Jess, your entire family deserves it. I don’t know you either but your word inspire me.
Oh JK, so glad you got the chance for some much needed me- time. Love to you girl.
It doesn’t sound crazy at all, not one little bit!! Thank God for his reassuring touch!
Ah, the Prince of Peace. He makes it so that we aren’t quite so burdened by such a heavy load of ‘whys’. Something I am so grateful for. He carries our burdens and loves doing it.
I don’t know you or your family except through your blog. I just want you to know that Tuesday has touched my life and my heart in a way that no one could have imagined. Your faith in the midst of such sadness is a testament to the comfort we can all find from the Prince of Peace.
You are right, it will be okay. I know that you felt Tuesday and The Prince of Peace. They are both there for you and you are so very blessed to feel them near. Happier days are just ahead.
hugs! =D
I’m so glad you were able to have some peaceful time to yourself… sounds like it was just what you needed!
i WILL be okay but will take some time. maybe a long time, but will definately get easier.
Sounds like you had some good old fashioned fun! Nobody deserves it more than you. Just wish I was there to join you. We will make our own crazy fun blog post soon! Love ya!
That was a beautiful post. And good for you to be reminded of YOU. So essential for the soul.
I think you are remarkable. Your words are just perfect. And of course it didn’t sound crazy at all. Of course Tuesday is there swirling around you, that joyful innocent spirit and soul, reminding you she is okay.
I’m glad you were able to laugh. đŸ™‚
Know that I’m here praying!
Romans 15:4 For whatsoever things were written aforetime were written for our learning, that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.
Prayer BearsMy email address
Please pray for Stellan tonight and
tomorrow. His family needs all our
prayers. Thanks Jess
Im glad you had a great evening! You NEED it!
I know Tuesday will always be with you.
May God Bless…
I am glad you had a sense of certainty — a moment of peace…even if it was only for a moment. I hope in the times you are in the depths of your grief, you can recall that feeling.
Happy that your heart got the peace you so very needed.
love,
angela
I cannot even begin to imagine.
Best wishes
How wonderful to have had some necessary time for yourself, Jess. I’ll bet you’ll start to recognize yourself more and more. I woke up on this brisk but sunny Tuesday morning thinking about your Tuesday. And thinking about you. Love you tons, my dear.
–Kristy Grigsby
I’m glad you felt her presence and His presence!
Hi…I have been lurking around checking your blog and following along….I am so happy to hear that you had some time for just ‘you’ that is so so so important and hopefully you feel like you can breath a little better and feel a little lighter!
I am glad you had some great laughs and fun…. you needed that!!!
You are amazing and awesome and I have an award for you over at my blog…. I hope you don’t mind…
take care and God bless!!
I’m so glad that you had this time to yourself and you were able to find some peace. {{HUGS}}
Good. I’m glad that some peace came to you.
None of this sounds crazy at all. His presence is constant and always with you and because He lives in you and Tuesday is in Him, so she is always with you. I have followed your blog a long time now, and I am not sure I have ever posted, but I enjoy your blog and hurt for you all of you. Our daughter was diagnosed with ALL Leukemia Oct. 16th of 08′, 5 months after we picked her up from Guatemala. I check on you all the time and pray for God’s peace that passes all understanding for you. I can see you are receiving it. I know your strength and courage to go on is not your own. Many blessings, Susie
Truly happy you found some peace and a sense of normalcy. It’s not crazy. My little niece was heartbroken when my grandfather died. She just cried and cried for days. One morning she just kind of stopped, when we questioned her about it she said she’d had a dream about grandpa the night before and he told her not to be sad, that everything was going to be okay. More or less, from then on out, she was. I really believe he talked to her that night to ease her little heart.
Praying for you all daily.
Jess, I just learned about the fundraiser that Debi is hosting next week and I just wanted to stop by with a hug.
A hug from a stranger probably seems kinda odd, but somehow just hearing your story, even though I never met Tuesday, I feel her loss.
I have a real heart for families who have had to face challenges and losses such as this, so when I learned about what Debi’s up to, I had to join in. I’ll get my auction post up soon.
In the mean time, know that your heartache hasn’t gone unmarked, that you matter. Your family matters. Tuesday matters. And I’ll be praying.
As I work on crafting my auction item, I’ll be praying for you and for your beautiful family. For courage, grace, and strength in those moments when missing Tuesday seems like too much to bear.
Much love,
Michelle @ In The Life of a Child
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